I'm Still Alive
Tomorrow will be exactly 3 yearz since my last public entry in this journal.
I just spent the last few hours reading through old entries, and listening to many of the songz they made reference to. I've been realizing how many of the same thingz, how many habits, tendencies, and patternz are still at work in my life, and it'z rather discouraging. I keep getting caught up in the same kindz of situationz, with similar types of people, and not focusing nearly enough on what I actually ought to: my own well-being, my own process of healing and growing, and I need to be doing more to make my dreamz a reality. I've been unwittingly shooting myself in the foot just as much az many otherz I've dealt with recently, but at least it izn't quite so blatantly self-destructive az what I'm seeing from them. But in some wayz... maybe it iz, even moreso.
I'm really tired, and focusing/clearly articulating my thoughtz izn't really a strong point right now.
I'm very glad to be writing again. I've even cranked out a few poems that I feel rather proud of; one in particular from last month comes to mind. I'm reconnecting with the music which haz played such a significant & defining role in my life, and coming to termz with what got thingz to where they're at now, and what can be done to ensure that I really *do* move onto better pastures this time, and not just keep on making the same (or very similar) mistakes.
About 2 months from now, on February 4th, it'll be 4 yearz since I moved to Seattle. It'z the 3rd longest amount of time that I've lived in a specific city, and this house iz the 4th longest I've ever lived under one roof; it'z the 2nd longest since I've been out on my own. I hope to stay here until my friendz & I are ready to acquire land & start our treehouse & hobbit house community. Now that there'z a new landlord who haz been doing a great job with helping us fix up the place,
Part of me feelz unsure if I would want to build it in Washington, but all thingz considered, there are really no better optionz without leaving the country... while that idea holdz itz own levelz of appeal, for practical reazonz, it'z not all that feazible.
You may have also noticed that I've caught a bad case of the Z'z, and it'z incurable. I am completely ok with this.
Today iz also my father's birthday. I haven't spoken to him in over a year, and I am also ok with this. You can only allow someone to casually dump their toxic waste into your mind-tank for so long, until you either let it kill you, or put a fucking stop to it. I wish I had done it sooner; maybe I wouldn't feel az fucking broken az I do now, with a few less yearz of accumulated shit to shovel out.
This haz been a very hard year, and in some wayz, right now I am at a very low point... I've spent the last year going through the existential mindfuck rollercoaster which iz dealing with a malfunctioning nervous system & being in constant, often debilitating pain. I recently lost a love under circumstances which echo what I waz going through 4 yearz ago in far too many wayz (but there were a lot more good thingz, thankfully, overall. the bad shit was only at the end.) I lost my best friend on the west coast via lies, betrayals, and a level of selfishness that I will never really get my head around, and which put 2 of the people I care about most thru shit that waz just az bad, if not even worse than what I got. And a co-worker from Naked Chocolate died suddenly last month at age 24, and I can't find out any info about what happened to him, though I have my suspicions. We weren't close after we each left for different jobs, but I still thought of him and that time of my life really often, and with a lot of fondness.
Even so, the summer waz *glorious*. And there will come a time when I can remember it all and just be happy, rather than the way I'm feeling now... raw, worn out, heartsick, and put thru the ringer... like I had to pay for every ounce of joy & freedom & goodness with a shittonne of unnecessary heartache & aggravation. Needless suffering iz probably the worst kind. But maybe it'z not needless... maybe it'z building character, or serving a greater purpose that I cannot yet see. I've been able to convince myself of such thingz in the past, and it'z been a huge comfort. But considering the way thingz seem to inevitably get shitty again every time, and how the same forms of stupidity keep springing up over & over, no matter how many times I think I've pulled all the damn weeds out... *sigh.*
Sometimez it feelz like there'z no good reazon for anything, or really no reazon at all. We are infinitely small specks of dust floating around on a slightly larger speck of dust, orbiting a glowing ball of gas & thermonuclear reactionz that'z just like billionz of otherz throughout time and space. There'z nobody out there to save us from ourselves, or if there iz, I really wish they'd come back and simply get on with it. I'm tired of being stuck here, surrounded by people who think that I'm crazy for being so honest & who are consistently, thoughtlessly cruel towardz one another, yet we call that "normal". I keep thinking of my theory back in kindergarten, about how my real parents were much like E.T.'s and they'd accidentally left him behind when they left the planet. I waz seriously convinced that it made more sense for my parents to be aliens, and my personality to be influenced by them, than it made to look at my parents and think that the 2 of them = somebody like me. My OS seemz fundamentally incompatible with the world around me. I miss having optimism.
I still want to go home. For the life of me (literally) I can't seem to actually build one here.
I didn't mean for this entry to sound so goddamn sad... But I never really did know how to do anything but just be honest, for all the good it'z ever done me.
Somebody recently brought up that they wanted to "do a hard reset" of some kind on a situation, and I asked them what they meant by that. They didn't know. I'm in the process of deciding how I can do that within myself, in wayz which run even deeper and will hopefully have more positive & lasting effect; moreso that even pulling myself up by my wizard b00tz & moving all the way across the country did.
I don't need a new place. I need a new Gwyddion.
That can mean anything I want it to mean, and I know that I can be anything I want to be, or do, or even believe in. The real question iz, after doing so much, and trying so many different thingz already... What'z next?
I might have a pretty good idea... guess we'll just have to see how it happenz.
Hopefully, I'll pull out of this infernal funk soon, and be able to enjoy much better times ahead.
***
Also, this iz fucking funny:
*
I just spent the last few hours reading through old entries, and listening to many of the songz they made reference to. I've been realizing how many of the same thingz, how many habits, tendencies, and patternz are still at work in my life, and it'z rather discouraging. I keep getting caught up in the same kindz of situationz, with similar types of people, and not focusing nearly enough on what I actually ought to: my own well-being, my own process of healing and growing, and I need to be doing more to make my dreamz a reality. I've been unwittingly shooting myself in the foot just as much az many otherz I've dealt with recently, but at least it izn't quite so blatantly self-destructive az what I'm seeing from them. But in some wayz... maybe it iz, even moreso.
I'm really tired, and focusing/clearly articulating my thoughtz izn't really a strong point right now.
I'm very glad to be writing again. I've even cranked out a few poems that I feel rather proud of; one in particular from last month comes to mind. I'm reconnecting with the music which haz played such a significant & defining role in my life, and coming to termz with what got thingz to where they're at now, and what can be done to ensure that I really *do* move onto better pastures this time, and not just keep on making the same (or very similar) mistakes.
About 2 months from now, on February 4th, it'll be 4 yearz since I moved to Seattle. It'z the 3rd longest amount of time that I've lived in a specific city, and this house iz the 4th longest I've ever lived under one roof; it'z the 2nd longest since I've been out on my own. I hope to stay here until my friendz & I are ready to acquire land & start our treehouse & hobbit house community. Now that there'z a new landlord who haz been doing a great job with helping us fix up the place,
Part of me feelz unsure if I would want to build it in Washington, but all thingz considered, there are really no better optionz without leaving the country... while that idea holdz itz own levelz of appeal, for practical reazonz, it'z not all that feazible.
You may have also noticed that I've caught a bad case of the Z'z, and it'z incurable. I am completely ok with this.
Today iz also my father's birthday. I haven't spoken to him in over a year, and I am also ok with this. You can only allow someone to casually dump their toxic waste into your mind-tank for so long, until you either let it kill you, or put a fucking stop to it. I wish I had done it sooner; maybe I wouldn't feel az fucking broken az I do now, with a few less yearz of accumulated shit to shovel out.
This haz been a very hard year, and in some wayz, right now I am at a very low point... I've spent the last year going through the existential mindfuck rollercoaster which iz dealing with a malfunctioning nervous system & being in constant, often debilitating pain. I recently lost a love under circumstances which echo what I waz going through 4 yearz ago in far too many wayz (but there were a lot more good thingz, thankfully, overall. the bad shit was only at the end.) I lost my best friend on the west coast via lies, betrayals, and a level of selfishness that I will never really get my head around, and which put 2 of the people I care about most thru shit that waz just az bad, if not even worse than what I got. And a co-worker from Naked Chocolate died suddenly last month at age 24, and I can't find out any info about what happened to him, though I have my suspicions. We weren't close after we each left for different jobs, but I still thought of him and that time of my life really often, and with a lot of fondness.
Even so, the summer waz *glorious*. And there will come a time when I can remember it all and just be happy, rather than the way I'm feeling now... raw, worn out, heartsick, and put thru the ringer... like I had to pay for every ounce of joy & freedom & goodness with a shittonne of unnecessary heartache & aggravation. Needless suffering iz probably the worst kind. But maybe it'z not needless... maybe it'z building character, or serving a greater purpose that I cannot yet see. I've been able to convince myself of such thingz in the past, and it'z been a huge comfort. But considering the way thingz seem to inevitably get shitty again every time, and how the same forms of stupidity keep springing up over & over, no matter how many times I think I've pulled all the damn weeds out... *sigh.*
Sometimez it feelz like there'z no good reazon for anything, or really no reazon at all. We are infinitely small specks of dust floating around on a slightly larger speck of dust, orbiting a glowing ball of gas & thermonuclear reactionz that'z just like billionz of otherz throughout time and space. There'z nobody out there to save us from ourselves, or if there iz, I really wish they'd come back and simply get on with it. I'm tired of being stuck here, surrounded by people who think that I'm crazy for being so honest & who are consistently, thoughtlessly cruel towardz one another, yet we call that "normal". I keep thinking of my theory back in kindergarten, about how my real parents were much like E.T.'s and they'd accidentally left him behind when they left the planet. I waz seriously convinced that it made more sense for my parents to be aliens, and my personality to be influenced by them, than it made to look at my parents and think that the 2 of them = somebody like me. My OS seemz fundamentally incompatible with the world around me. I miss having optimism.
I still want to go home. For the life of me (literally) I can't seem to actually build one here.
I didn't mean for this entry to sound so goddamn sad... But I never really did know how to do anything but just be honest, for all the good it'z ever done me.
Somebody recently brought up that they wanted to "do a hard reset" of some kind on a situation, and I asked them what they meant by that. They didn't know. I'm in the process of deciding how I can do that within myself, in wayz which run even deeper and will hopefully have more positive & lasting effect; moreso that even pulling myself up by my wizard b00tz & moving all the way across the country did.
I don't need a new place. I need a new Gwyddion.
That can mean anything I want it to mean, and I know that I can be anything I want to be, or do, or even believe in. The real question iz, after doing so much, and trying so many different thingz already... What'z next?
I might have a pretty good idea... guess we'll just have to see how it happenz.
Hopefully, I'll pull out of this infernal funk soon, and be able to enjoy much better times ahead.
***
Also, this iz fucking funny:
*