*Magnificent...*
Click to viewso i sit here typing by candlelight, because i knocked over my bedside lamp recently and busted the bulb. it's an oddly-shaped one; i'll try to remember to pick some more up tomorrow.
the above video is a song i think i'm going to adopt as my new personal theme song. no, not because i'm arrogant enough to consider myself magnificent (altho we do all have our moments... haha) but because it just captures the joy and pain of living so well. if there is any real way to sum up in just a few lines all i have learned and the ways i have grown since the start of this year, this would do it:
only love... only love...
could leave such a mark...
only love... only love...
could heal such a scar...
having been a fan of U2 since i was 9 or so holy shit that's nearly 20 years how is that possible o_O i am familiar with the fact that much of their music refers to god, heaven, and their christian beliefs. a lot of people think Bono is kind of an arrogant douchebag, but i think that he, more than any other celebrity i know if, it living the words of Christ with his constant campaigns for peace, justice, and aid for the poor and suffering. I do not consider myself a christian but i was raised catholic, and as time passes i can see how these beliefs shaped who i am, in both positive and negative ways. it's kind of funny how some of my favourite singers speak about christian ideas and beliefs a lot in their music... Chris Cornell has so many songs questioning christianity and catholicism that it's hard to think of them all off the top of my head (and believe me, i KNOW these things, down to the year released and record label and which producer they were recorded with, usually).
at any rate, all religious references aside, it is a beautiful song, and in ways i cannot fully explain yet, i am beginning to find transcendence in balance, and peace within upheaval. i feel like all the random pieces of Jackie and Gwyddon and all the pieces of various people who have impacted my life that i have within me via shared memories... they are all coming together in a way that makes sense in the bigger scheme of things. scattered pieces of tile are coming together in a mosaic that i am beginning to see the shape of, and i know it will never quite be finished, but it's something to be proud of. i don't think i have ever felt this comfortable and at peace with who i am, where i am going, what i want... and i am so very, very thankful for the people i have in my life, and would not trade them for anything. :)
today was a magnificent day... woke up in the sweetest way possible, everything went remarkably smoothly, the weather was nice... it was an interesting mix of fresh spring air and a brisk fall breeze... which also suited my state of mind rather well... my interview for the manager position at work went rather well, good music on the radio all day that helped me think things through with a bit more clarity (thanks, universe!), the lighting for the show, and just the rehearsal in general, went off *beautifully*, had a nice late dinner with Alex afterwards and we laughed a whole bunch... then came home and talked to various friends who had me laughing so hard my lungs feel kinda sore... i couldn't catch my breath for anything, between Snowboard Mike and Leah both being zany and awesome... even had a nice chat with Eddie just before posting this. i still miss him like whoa, and it's going to be a long, slow healing process... but it's moving forward, and for this i am very grateful.
i'm looking forward to seeing Judah again and talking things over with him. i feel better about that whole situation and look forward to having more fun (and hopefully less awkward) times with him the weeks to come. i am very thankful for that healing process to be moving along as well.
i can't seem to remember a lot of things the past few days, because i've been in show brain (yet another symptom of the glorious hell known as tech week!) so i forget if it was this morning or sometime last week... i stretched out next to Tyler, feeling amazingly at ease and comfortable, and said. "y'know... i had a feeling that this was really gonna be my year."
so far, for the most part at least, it has been. :)
i've had more fun, learned more, and have grown in more positive (if sometimes rather painful) ways since the start of 2009 than i had during the 6 months previous to it... and considering all the growth and change of that time, such a statement carries a lot of weight.
but i feel lighter, taller, happier, stronger, more confident than i have in ages.
for some reason, and despite the antennae, hehee... it struck me that this picture may be the first where i can look at myself and feel like i am looking at a real adult...
even through our blurry silhouettes look kind of surreal...
...this picture makes me happie.
(thanks matt, for taking it!)
:D
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