Brain! Brain! What is brain!?
You know what's really hard? Making a vid and then just sitting on it for a long time, because you're sending it to a con and it's also Festivids time, and you're really really happy with it and want it to be out living in the world. For, um, definitions of hard that are totally selfish and fannish.
I'm about 6,200 words into a Prison Break story and nowhere near finished, but it's so frustrating because I think it's going to be really bad -- yet I still want to keep writing it. The thing is, there's so much to do in regards to my dad, and I don't even have anything workwise on the immediate front, yet I still don't have that much time to write, and I need a lot of uninterrupted time so that I can let my thoughts wander and try to steer it in the right direction.
One of the most frustrating things about coming back and diving full force into this fandom is that much has been taken away. There was a Michael/Mahone community called wallporn, but whoever ran it fucking purged it so all the stuff is now lost. Many of the people who posted stuff haven't posted it anywhere else, so it just seems to be lost. I don't understand people who do this. Let it languish if you don't want it anymore; don't fucking purge it and take everything away as if no one will ever come back to the fandom.
Things with Dad continue to be bad. Every once in a while, he starts to seem like he might make it out of the nursing home, like maybe he could go to the second floor of his apt. building, where they have full-time assisted living situations, but then it backslides and I think that no, it's never going to get better. I know they're going to ask me to clear out his apartment and I'm terrified of this; he's borderline hoarding, such a packrat that I don't know what to do with all that shit. And I'm all alone.
I've been freaking most about his license tabs. His SUV hasn't been driven since October, I guess, and the battery completely died. So I have to find a way to get it jump started and then take it to the emissions test, and I have only a few days to do it before it becomes illegal. Fortunately my mostly useless cousin volunteered to come down and help me tomorrow; cars are one thing he knows so that feels a little less frantic. I can't sleep unless I take something, the instant I wake up to pee or something, I'm wracked with worry and fear. I have never felt so alone and helpless and I wish my sister was here more than anything in the world. Not having someone to share this kind of thing with... this is hard. The fact that I have to do everything on someone else's timeline makes it worse.
Maybe it's a good thing I have Prison Break to watch and play with. Hell, maybe that's why I've fallen so hard for it again. I'm lucky that I have some kind people in my life who listen to me blather about it and even have watched an episode or two with me -- both
belmanoir and
killabeez have been endlessly patient with my squee and even watched it. That's when you know someone is good people.
I'm about 6,200 words into a Prison Break story and nowhere near finished, but it's so frustrating because I think it's going to be really bad -- yet I still want to keep writing it. The thing is, there's so much to do in regards to my dad, and I don't even have anything workwise on the immediate front, yet I still don't have that much time to write, and I need a lot of uninterrupted time so that I can let my thoughts wander and try to steer it in the right direction.
One of the most frustrating things about coming back and diving full force into this fandom is that much has been taken away. There was a Michael/Mahone community called wallporn, but whoever ran it fucking purged it so all the stuff is now lost. Many of the people who posted stuff haven't posted it anywhere else, so it just seems to be lost. I don't understand people who do this. Let it languish if you don't want it anymore; don't fucking purge it and take everything away as if no one will ever come back to the fandom.
Things with Dad continue to be bad. Every once in a while, he starts to seem like he might make it out of the nursing home, like maybe he could go to the second floor of his apt. building, where they have full-time assisted living situations, but then it backslides and I think that no, it's never going to get better. I know they're going to ask me to clear out his apartment and I'm terrified of this; he's borderline hoarding, such a packrat that I don't know what to do with all that shit. And I'm all alone.
I've been freaking most about his license tabs. His SUV hasn't been driven since October, I guess, and the battery completely died. So I have to find a way to get it jump started and then take it to the emissions test, and I have only a few days to do it before it becomes illegal. Fortunately my mostly useless cousin volunteered to come down and help me tomorrow; cars are one thing he knows so that feels a little less frantic. I can't sleep unless I take something, the instant I wake up to pee or something, I'm wracked with worry and fear. I have never felt so alone and helpless and I wish my sister was here more than anything in the world. Not having someone to share this kind of thing with... this is hard. The fact that I have to do everything on someone else's timeline makes it worse.
Maybe it's a good thing I have Prison Break to watch and play with. Hell, maybe that's why I've fallen so hard for it again. I'm lucky that I have some kind people in my life who listen to me blather about it and even have watched an episode or two with me -- both
belmanoir and
killabeez have been endlessly patient with my squee and even watched it. That's when you know someone is good people.