(no subject)
I feel stupid. But I expected that.
It's not as if anything associated with him has ever ended happily. I'm not sure why I even bothered with the harsh words again, with the attempt to find something whose form I can't even distinguish. I keep asking myself, what do I want? Why do I bring up the past again and again and again? The answer to the last question at least I do know. I don't want it forgotten. I don't want it to slip away into dull memory for him.
You say it hurt you too, but why is there never evidence of that? Why was I the one left to pick up the pieces and smile just a little sadly to the ever eager press? The very last thing you ever said to me was `Goodbye` - you said it with finality and turned away, smiling charmingly at a woman right outside the pay phone from which you had called me. I could see you from my upstairs window. You never let that suave air go even for a moment. While, I hid in my room and watched late night programs in an attempt to become too tired to care.
Our relationship wasn't the smoothest. But does that mean that it meant nothing, ever? Because it seems so to you. You didn't have a single qualm about breaking my heart. Don't get me wrong - I would never, ever want our relationship to grow again. But I'm so angry, Pitt. I know I should just give up in trying to talk to you. It always ends the exact same way. But my bitterness wants words. So, why not.
On brighter notes, -smiles very slightly- I've had the great pleasure of meeting some more people. Mandy, for example, who astounds me with the fact that she shares some of my more odd quirks, and manages to be the sweetest thing on top of that; Jen, who does not need my praise, as everyone knows how wonderful she is without it; Maggie, my dear talented friend who always makes me smile; and Katey, the often-dead but always memorably adorable.
I'm off to bed. Maybe watching several episodes of Unsolved Mysteries.
It's not as if anything associated with him has ever ended happily. I'm not sure why I even bothered with the harsh words again, with the attempt to find something whose form I can't even distinguish. I keep asking myself, what do I want? Why do I bring up the past again and again and again? The answer to the last question at least I do know. I don't want it forgotten. I don't want it to slip away into dull memory for him.
You say it hurt you too, but why is there never evidence of that? Why was I the one left to pick up the pieces and smile just a little sadly to the ever eager press? The very last thing you ever said to me was `Goodbye` - you said it with finality and turned away, smiling charmingly at a woman right outside the pay phone from which you had called me. I could see you from my upstairs window. You never let that suave air go even for a moment. While, I hid in my room and watched late night programs in an attempt to become too tired to care.
Our relationship wasn't the smoothest. But does that mean that it meant nothing, ever? Because it seems so to you. You didn't have a single qualm about breaking my heart. Don't get me wrong - I would never, ever want our relationship to grow again. But I'm so angry, Pitt. I know I should just give up in trying to talk to you. It always ends the exact same way. But my bitterness wants words. So, why not.
On brighter notes, -smiles very slightly- I've had the great pleasure of meeting some more people. Mandy, for example, who astounds me with the fact that she shares some of my more odd quirks, and manages to be the sweetest thing on top of that; Jen, who does not need my praise, as everyone knows how wonderful she is without it; Maggie, my dear talented friend who always makes me smile; and Katey, the often-dead but always memorably adorable.
I'm off to bed. Maybe watching several episodes of Unsolved Mysteries.