(no subject)
i am probably going to go to therapy soon, just because i am abroad and it is free and i have been crying in class a lot, but this is a fantastic short-term solution.
yes, i was crying in voice class basically every day, but i seem to have gotten past that mostly. my movement teacher told me to challenge myself not to and then she taught me how to be a warrior. for which i am infinitely grateful. even though i allow myself to bitch about stuff sometimes, i never really fight for myself because i guess i don't always feel like i deserve it. boohoo i don't love myself, but that's not the case, i just really hate burdening other people with my shit a lot of the time. which is why this is great. people can choose whether or not to be burdened with my shit.
so now i am a warrior and i am gonna be a tough bitch.
i am still with phil which was hard over the summer because he didn't come to visit me. he didn't have money and was trying desperately to book something (he is a recent-college-graduate-slash-actor), and i understand that. i went to visit him and everything was absolutely and completely perfect. there was no doubt that we would have to stay together when i would leave for london.
well, here i am in london and i have barely spoken to the fella. he finally booked something (law & order svu!!!) so now he is mad busy, but even before that we rarely spoke. the time difference is hard and he didn't have skype and our ichat wasn't working and it's like he's fading away.
i wrote this to him:
"more and more i'm beginning to see you as a distant dream of someone i love and want desperately to find in waking life"
but how can i obligate myself to someone i never even speak to, much less get to touch?
and now there is this boy that i like that i am constantly around and he is roommates with two of my classmates and he has been asking me to hang out and i really want to and i could try to convince myself that it's harmless, but who am i kidding? even if we don't get involved physically, it is still clear that we are interested in one another and he is cooking me dinner at his place.
but if i weren't obligated to anyone else, it's not like i would be in a relationship with this guy. he is really down to earth and it would just be what it would be until it was something else. but now i have to put labels on it and make everything black and white in order to make sure i don't step outside the boundaries that phil and i have set for one another.
and meanwhile i can't even talk to phil about it because he is virtually unreachable. so basically i am stuck in london with no boy to be with. and if you've ever read any of this stuff before, you know i love boys. a lot.
yes, i was crying in voice class basically every day, but i seem to have gotten past that mostly. my movement teacher told me to challenge myself not to and then she taught me how to be a warrior. for which i am infinitely grateful. even though i allow myself to bitch about stuff sometimes, i never really fight for myself because i guess i don't always feel like i deserve it. boohoo i don't love myself, but that's not the case, i just really hate burdening other people with my shit a lot of the time. which is why this is great. people can choose whether or not to be burdened with my shit.
so now i am a warrior and i am gonna be a tough bitch.
i am still with phil which was hard over the summer because he didn't come to visit me. he didn't have money and was trying desperately to book something (he is a recent-college-graduate-slash-actor), and i understand that. i went to visit him and everything was absolutely and completely perfect. there was no doubt that we would have to stay together when i would leave for london.
well, here i am in london and i have barely spoken to the fella. he finally booked something (law & order svu!!!) so now he is mad busy, but even before that we rarely spoke. the time difference is hard and he didn't have skype and our ichat wasn't working and it's like he's fading away.
i wrote this to him:
"more and more i'm beginning to see you as a distant dream of someone i love and want desperately to find in waking life"
but how can i obligate myself to someone i never even speak to, much less get to touch?
and now there is this boy that i like that i am constantly around and he is roommates with two of my classmates and he has been asking me to hang out and i really want to and i could try to convince myself that it's harmless, but who am i kidding? even if we don't get involved physically, it is still clear that we are interested in one another and he is cooking me dinner at his place.
but if i weren't obligated to anyone else, it's not like i would be in a relationship with this guy. he is really down to earth and it would just be what it would be until it was something else. but now i have to put labels on it and make everything black and white in order to make sure i don't step outside the boundaries that phil and i have set for one another.
and meanwhile i can't even talk to phil about it because he is virtually unreachable. so basically i am stuck in london with no boy to be with. and if you've ever read any of this stuff before, you know i love boys. a lot.