fairy tales don't exist...no happily ever after
my emotions seem to be twisted and i don't know why. maybe it's that intense lonely feeling or maybe ti's soemthing else. i'm not sure. i just know and feel like i'm easily upset. something is changing in me and it's scaring me slightly. i know i want to cry most of the time. i know iw as to scream and just fucking hurt something. i know i want to feel something else. i'm not sure. i don't know i guess. maybe it's just stress from the artist table. maybe that's what's giving me all the mood swings.
i know what reichal felt like now. when she was at the mall with me, george, shannon, and ray that one time. how it feels to be the fifth wheel. it sucks. i didn't have it as bad as reichal had it that day but i just kept picturing it in my head. just thinking about how fucking pathetic i was and if we all did end up staying in the mall together, i'd either be following slowly int he back or having someone break away from their couple because they felt bad for me. and whent hey talk it's weird. even though i was only hearing snippets of converstaion i could tell that more was going on with silent communication than with actual words. it's so fucking cheesy and romantic it makes me once again wonder if it'll happen to me. but i figure that the only reason i haven't managed to find a boyfriend is because i don't really go anywhere. i only go to work and the mall and neither is good for finding potential bfs. it's fucking crazy. it's not easy and no matter how much make up i wear at work i realize that i'm wearing it only so i don't feel so fucking out of place or like some ugly bitch behind the memberserveices desk. yeah i'm sorry about kicking you that bad sean. i'm mad because...i'm jealous and i'm mad because you were late. luckily the movie decided to crap out, but it's just something for a day and i'll be fine later. nothing to hold a grudge over. fuck...it shouldn't be an excuse but i just don't feel like myself. i feel bottled up. i feel like i'm holding back massively and inside i know i should be doing something else. hm. i dunno. we'll see after AnimeNext. Hopefully something good will happen there. if not there's always florida. i really should go outside more as well. bike riding is good i like doing that. hn...i dunno. i just feel like curling up and crying and even though i know it's good for you i feel like i'm gonna just cry today. then cry again tomorrow, and the enxt and the next until something happens. but knowing my luck it won't because i have to fcuking realize that there is no happy ending. that fairytales are fucking false that give a weird hope to kids...to hopeless romantics like me who put their standards to high on guys. maybe my standards are high. maybe looking for a curteous guy who will treat me like a girl but won't underestimate me is really just a dream. because right now i should really just lower it way down so that the only qualifications is a guy that can ask me out and not be fucking intimidated by me. and i don't understand how when people ask me if i have a bf and i say now how come they're so fucking surprised. am i seeing something different in the mirror? because what i see is some stupid little girl awkwardly wearing make up. a girl who isn't proportioned at all with dark hair that looks dyed and a manly face. i don't see why people would be surprised. i'm really not that pretty. i'm not. there's nothing special about me. i don't turn heads. i don't inspire awe. i think i inspire a bit of disgust in people. honestly yeah. because fuck...i have a bad personality to boot. whatever. just fuck it. maybe if i give up then i won't be dissapointed in anything that comes my way.
i know what reichal felt like now. when she was at the mall with me, george, shannon, and ray that one time. how it feels to be the fifth wheel. it sucks. i didn't have it as bad as reichal had it that day but i just kept picturing it in my head. just thinking about how fucking pathetic i was and if we all did end up staying in the mall together, i'd either be following slowly int he back or having someone break away from their couple because they felt bad for me. and whent hey talk it's weird. even though i was only hearing snippets of converstaion i could tell that more was going on with silent communication than with actual words. it's so fucking cheesy and romantic it makes me once again wonder if it'll happen to me. but i figure that the only reason i haven't managed to find a boyfriend is because i don't really go anywhere. i only go to work and the mall and neither is good for finding potential bfs. it's fucking crazy. it's not easy and no matter how much make up i wear at work i realize that i'm wearing it only so i don't feel so fucking out of place or like some ugly bitch behind the memberserveices desk. yeah i'm sorry about kicking you that bad sean. i'm mad because...i'm jealous and i'm mad because you were late. luckily the movie decided to crap out, but it's just something for a day and i'll be fine later. nothing to hold a grudge over. fuck...it shouldn't be an excuse but i just don't feel like myself. i feel bottled up. i feel like i'm holding back massively and inside i know i should be doing something else. hm. i dunno. we'll see after AnimeNext. Hopefully something good will happen there. if not there's always florida. i really should go outside more as well. bike riding is good i like doing that. hn...i dunno. i just feel like curling up and crying and even though i know it's good for you i feel like i'm gonna just cry today. then cry again tomorrow, and the enxt and the next until something happens. but knowing my luck it won't because i have to fcuking realize that there is no happy ending. that fairytales are fucking false that give a weird hope to kids...to hopeless romantics like me who put their standards to high on guys. maybe my standards are high. maybe looking for a curteous guy who will treat me like a girl but won't underestimate me is really just a dream. because right now i should really just lower it way down so that the only qualifications is a guy that can ask me out and not be fucking intimidated by me. and i don't understand how when people ask me if i have a bf and i say now how come they're so fucking surprised. am i seeing something different in the mirror? because what i see is some stupid little girl awkwardly wearing make up. a girl who isn't proportioned at all with dark hair that looks dyed and a manly face. i don't see why people would be surprised. i'm really not that pretty. i'm not. there's nothing special about me. i don't turn heads. i don't inspire awe. i think i inspire a bit of disgust in people. honestly yeah. because fuck...i have a bad personality to boot. whatever. just fuck it. maybe if i give up then i won't be dissapointed in anything that comes my way.