(no subject)
i feel like i'm holding back majorly. i feel numb and i want to cry but for some reason i'm holding it back. and now i feel numbandburstngbut i've got nothing. i want to just sit in the dark and cry loudly. but they're always here and it's never dark when i'm alone. i have things to do. sorry if my typing sucks i'm not staring at the keyboard or the screen. so something hurts. it feels muffled right now.. i have a lot of work to do though. but i find myself not caring too much about the small assignments only wanting to do the bigger ones. i feel like a billion things are going on around me that i'm not aware of. i need an anchor right now. i'm floating anddrowning. i think my job is lsowly killing me. i don't feel appreciated but i can't leave i need the job. i'm not kidding when i say this i need to leave. it's a big source of my grief. i can't stay there unless i go somewhere else. anywhere else. it hurts i think. everything hurts a bit. i'm numb and there's no creativity. no life to me. i'm numb and it's weird. is it because of george? i know don't dwell on it but i have to. and at the most inoppurtune times i think of the misadventures and those keep me down. it's going to be a week since the break up. i still feel lost. even more so now. i don't think george was the one for me. i think it's just a cross paths thing. amybe there is more but not in the way of relationships. i need to know i won't be alone. because for all the fancy talk i give to people i never feel like it applies to me. you'll find someone. someone will come to appreciate you. it feels like a dream for me. i feel like i'll never be the princess i wanna be. but that's not my sad point. i think it's just everything weighing down on my head. i'm grasping at something i don'tknow what. maybe it's my art. myabe it's my sanity. maybe it my life, or my innocence. i've been stripped of everything i think. not atteh same time but slowly at different times and now i don't know how to react. my utereus is attacking me and usually i have a depressed time before my uterus and then when i get it i'm just misrable over the pain but right now i just feel numb. i haven't been around people in a while. i haven't been worrying about whtether or not i'm making an ass out of myself so i think i'm not grounded. ive beenw ith comfortable people. i have a love/hate realtionship with ny. when i get tehre it's this familiar place. i know the streets and i know the air, but...it's still forgign. but at the same time i dont' want to be here in nj. i feel like it's holding me back but it's my home and i can't leave. i feel pulled. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm drowning and the worst part is i don't know how far i've gone yet, i don't know how i can reach the top again. i can't breathe my back hurts. i'm going to be alone. i'll amoun to nothing. i'll have nothing. i'm alone. i'm alone. i feel alone. i know i'm not alone. i know that i have my friends but it's that other void. that void that comes from being in love. i don't ahve that. for another year of my pathetic life i'll be alone on valentines day. and nobody cares what valentines day represents. they don't have that spirit anymore. i feel so alive in something dead sometimes. no body gets excited over christams anymore. it's nothing but a commercial holdiay. ti's no longer that night of anticiaption. that night of magic and happiness. where did it all go? pelase tell me where the magic lwent. i'm losing myself. i hate reality. it's just not there anymore. i miss the magic so much. i think that's why i'm drowning. because the way i thought my life was heading what just a lie. i've been lying to myself for ever and nowi see the thruth. i'm drwoning.