relapse or something
last night, after looking at/watching/listening to porn (not seriously, it was a joke mostly), I basically broke down. I called Amy and told her how much I missed her and talked myself to the verge of tears.
This is like one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and it doesn't help that I'm practically surrounded by girls. I can't help but think of her everytime I think about sex, and the thought of her doing anything physical with anyone else really makes me feel bad inside. I don't know how that translates to emotions, because I'm not very good at that, but I mean... it's jealousy and longing and sadness and angst and anxiety and loneliness all rolled in to one i think.
I can't even begin to think about working through these feelings, because that would be the end of me. She says she gets to sleep at night by making plans for Thanksgiving and winter break, and I know we'll be together then even if we don't do anything together. That's not what matters most to me, it's just what gets to me most.
Really, I envy anyone she shows any kind of special feelings for, be they friendly or whatever. The worst part is I know that she won't go doing anything that will hurt me, because that would hurt her just as much. And I keep trying to "leave my options open" when all I really want to do is be comfortable and relax in to her, but obviously I can't do that at all. I guess her way of protecting herself is by not doing anything tricky with anyone, and my dirty scoundrel way of protecting myself is to try and hope I do. I feel like such an ass, especially when I realize that I couldn't possibly explain any of that business to her. I want her to tell me everything, but I don't know how I would bring it up if I did it, and I certainly don't know how I would feel about hearing about her doing it.
Of course, this puts a damper on my long time plans to fall in love with and marry someon I meet in college, but fuck all that when I'm already in love with Amy.
This is like one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and it doesn't help that I'm practically surrounded by girls. I can't help but think of her everytime I think about sex, and the thought of her doing anything physical with anyone else really makes me feel bad inside. I don't know how that translates to emotions, because I'm not very good at that, but I mean... it's jealousy and longing and sadness and angst and anxiety and loneliness all rolled in to one i think.
I can't even begin to think about working through these feelings, because that would be the end of me. She says she gets to sleep at night by making plans for Thanksgiving and winter break, and I know we'll be together then even if we don't do anything together. That's not what matters most to me, it's just what gets to me most.
Really, I envy anyone she shows any kind of special feelings for, be they friendly or whatever. The worst part is I know that she won't go doing anything that will hurt me, because that would hurt her just as much. And I keep trying to "leave my options open" when all I really want to do is be comfortable and relax in to her, but obviously I can't do that at all. I guess her way of protecting herself is by not doing anything tricky with anyone, and my dirty scoundrel way of protecting myself is to try and hope I do. I feel like such an ass, especially when I realize that I couldn't possibly explain any of that business to her. I want her to tell me everything, but I don't know how I would bring it up if I did it, and I certainly don't know how I would feel about hearing about her doing it.
Of course, this puts a damper on my long time plans to fall in love with and marry someon I meet in college, but fuck all that when I'm already in love with Amy.