There is a Tide in the Affairs of Men
A/N: Okay, so I
have had this idea forever and a damn day, and I finally just sat down
and finished it. Anyway, this is a song! Fic using all Chase Coy songs,
because everytime I hear a song I think HOLY CRAP this a total Kurtofsky
song! So anyway, I hope you enjoy. I hope you enjoy!
There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.
Kurt walked into the small building nestled in between the large looming
buildings. It took him two hours to find the place, but when he saw
Blaine's tiny Mini Cooper, he knew he had the right place. Who else
would have a rainbow colored car in Ohio? He parked his car and made his
way into the small bar.
As soon as he walked in he was greeted by the overwhelming smell of coffee, baked goods, and scented candles.
He looked around and saw mismatched tables and various shapes and sizes of chairs spread through the tiny room.
There was a tiny stage with a stool and various guitars and a tiny piano off to the side.
Small candles flickered; white lights were strung throughout the tiny room. It was cozy, warm, and very unique. Kurt loved it.
He saw Blaine in the corner talking to someone, gesturing wildly. Kurt
hung his coat on one of the vintage coat racks and made his way to the
coffee bar.
He ordered his specialty coffee and found a table near the middle of the room.
He sat and watched the various people who were there talk and laugh and interact.
It was quite clear that the regulars were a very tight knit group of people and great friends.
It reminded him of high school and the glee club. Finding people who you
could relate to and with whom you shared something in common. Music.
He missed it. He was in his third year at Miami of Ohio in Music
Performance Studies, but truth be told he missed high school. He had
enjoyed attending Dalton and McKinley both; well the latter only after
Karofsky had gone to therapy and quit harassing him. But he did enjoy
Glee club and his friends, and winning Nationals his senior year. He
missed it now. Singing and performing just for the sake of performing
because he loved it. Now there was so much pressure to be perfect, to be
the best at any cost. Truthfully he just missed his friendships. He
missed seeing Finn, Blaine, Mercedes, and even Rachel on a daily basis.
Blaine finally spotted him and promenaded over to him bouncing as he did. Kurt
just shook his head. Blaine was always so full of life and happiness,
he often wondered if he was real.
Blaine instantly grabbed Kurt and hugged him.
"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel! It is so great to see you. Thanks for coming tonight and sharing this night with us."
"Well you said if I didn't come see you perform on your last night before you
graduate college, I was no longer your friend. So here I am."
"Well, I'm glad. Also, I saved you a seat at the front. So come with me."
Kurt picked up his things and walked through the tables. He was led to a table with people at it.
"Blaine, are you sure…"
Blaine was ignoring him though,
"Hey guys, I hope you all remember Kurt."
Heads turned then and Kurt nearly fell over from shock.
Sitting at the table were Noah Puckerman, Quinn Fabray, Rachel Berry, Sam
Evans, Finn Hudson, Mercedes Jones, Arthur Abrams, Santana Lopez,
Brittany Pierce, Tina Cohen Chang, Mike Chang, and Lauren Zizes. His old
glee club. Everyone was there, except one notable omission. Dave
Karofsky. Kurt wasn't surprised though. Even though Dave had always had a
great voice, he hated the idea of being forced to sing in glee club to
atone for his past mistakes and bullying. Kurt was sort of sorry that he
wasn't there though, because he wanted to see how bad his life had
become after he graduated and left McKinley. The only thing he had heard
from Finn was that he had also been accepted into Ohio State University
just like he, Sam, and Puck had been, but they only saw him twice their
freshman year. Kurt never asked about him again, and frankly he hadn't
cared much.
Then the lights flickered and Blaine scurried off to get ready to open the coffee shops open mic night.
Kurt whispered to the group,
"What are all of you guys doing here? Here to see Blaine's last performance as a student too?"
Quinn smirked and cocked her head a bit,
"Sure, Kurt. That's why we're here."
Kurt looked at Mercedes who instantly turned her head and stared with interest at the ceiling.
No one would look at him or give him a direct answer and he was about ready to pitch a fit when Blaine started to speak,
"Welcome to The UnderGround. Most of you have been coming here for a while, so I
know you know what we're all about, and what we do. But for those of
you just joining us for the first time, I'd like to introduce you to the
first LGBTQ coffee shop on the campus of The Ohio State University.
We've been around for the past four years, and I with the help of a few
awesome friends and sponsors created it as a way for those struggling to
identify and accept their sexuality to embrace who they are using
music. Most of you know this is my last year as a student here at OSU,
and on my last night, I felt it proper and fitting to end it on a high
note. That being said, I have a special friend here with me from high
school who has struggled with the same issues many of you are facing or
have faced in the past. This night is for him and for anyone who is
still trying to find the courage and strength to admit who they are and
learn to accept and love it.
So without further ado, please welcome my co-star for the night, Mr. Dave Karofsky."
Kurt nearly fell out of his chair.
Dave walked out with an acoustic guitar and sat down on the stool.
People were still clapping and cheering as he began to speak.
"Most of you know me as well. Not as a singer or musician, but as your
barista. It's true. I have been struggling with accepting who I am and
how I was made since I was in high school. I mistreated people because
of my insecurities and fears, and I hated myself for a long time. But
coming here every weekend and seeing people come to terms with who they
are and find love and acceptance has finally made me understand that who
I love is who I love. I can't help it any more than I can change the
weather or how I was born. So tonight, I'm going to be singing my
feelings and thoughts. I hope anyone out there who is also struggling
like I did can find some peace and comfort in my words.
Then he started to sing and play as a hush fell over the crowd,
Click to viewSummer arrived on the back of a mockingbird.
It sang a sweet melody, but couldn't seem to find the right words.
I don't know if you've heard, but it's all over town,
Yeah they're buzzing about it now.
I was singing alone when the mockingbird came to me,
Perched on my windowsill, and hummed along quietly.
But before long, she was singing along, and she said, yeah she said:
"I've been waiting so long for these words to come out;
It's practically all I've been thinking about.
So thank you for finding the words I couldn't find on my own,
Now I'm not alone."
Autumn was on its way and summer was on its way out;
The mockingbird told me:
"I change with the seasons,"
And so she was leaving town in a few days now.
We said our goodbyes, and I secretly wished for more time,
But the seasons are merciless.
For a while, we both stood in silence
Until she said:
"I've been waiting so long for these words to come out,
It's practically all I've been thinking about.
As the music ended and Blaine and Dave ended, Kurt felt such a swell of
emotion in his chest. He had heard Dave sing before, but never like this
and it was amazing. He was amazing, and he was good. Like, really,
really good. Kurt was stunned. Soon everyone was cheering and clapping
and Dave's smile got wider and wider as he began to realize they were
cheering and clapping for him.
He sat down on his stool and once again spoke,
"As I graduate in a few days and leave Columbus and head into the real
world, I just decided tonight was the night to finally come clean and be
honest. I hope this song helps some of you understand and others to
find the courage to do what I'm about to do."
I'm a coward
I hide behind all these delicate lines I sing
But I'm trying to come clean
I'm so lonely
Surrounded by people who know me, but don't know a thing
So I'm trying to come clean
And every relationship I've ever been in
Has fallen apart at the seams
And I'm just afraid I've been singing about love
But I'll never find out what it means
And if I was honest about what the problem is
I'd have to admit that it's me
I'm just tryin' to live up to all that you want me to be
I'm a liar
I sing pretty things
But I never quite say what I mean
So I'm trying to come clean
I'm so sorry
I know that I can't take it back
No I can't change a thing
So I'm trying to come clean
And every relationship I've ever been in
Has fallen apart at the seams
And I'm just afraid I've been singing about love
But I'll never find out what it means
And if I was honest about what the problem is
I'd have to admit that it's me
I'm just tryin' to live up to all that you want me to be
Kurt sat in stunned silence. Dave Karofsky had just come out, publicly in
front of him, his friends, and the entire LGBTQ community at Ohio State
University. He was shocked. As others clapped and cheered at the end, he
simply sat and stared at the boy who had tortured him all through high
school. It was no mistake that Dave was different, he looked happier, he
looked at peace, he looked free. Kurt couldn't begrudge him of that so
he finally clapped and cheered along.
Dave sang four more songs, then finally said,
"This is dedicated to those who just need time like I did, and this is also
dedicated to those who helped mold me and make me into who I am today.
So this is for you. "
Take me away to January
I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home
There's gotta be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down
So I tell myself
"There's a boy out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."
And I can hear them calling my name tonight.
Take me away, I need the sand and the waves
The sunset and let's not forget those warm autumn days
I just need to get out of here
And visit the coast just to see him
There's gotta be something else out there for me
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream
There's more than this Midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down
So I tell myself
"There's a boy out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."
And I can hear them calling my name tonight.
Take me away to January
I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home
As the music faded away, Kurt felt something in his chest lurch. It was a
message, he felt like it was for him. Maybe it was or wasn't, but he
needed to talk to Dave desperately.
The rest of the evening was
the glee kids, Blaine, and Dave catching up, sharing stories, and
laughing and having a good time. Kurt however was lost in his own little
world where he contemplated what Dave had done that evening.
Finally, Blaine said it was time for him to close the coffee bar and invited
everyone with him for some late night/early morning pancakes. Everyone
agreed.
As they walked to their cars, Kurt finally caught up to Dave.
He put his hand on his arm,
"I need to talk to you."
Dave looked at him for a bit, nodded and put his guitar in the back of his truck,
"Hey, Fancy. I didn't know you were coming tonight."
"Yeah, well Blaine invited me. I didn't know you were going to be singing."
"Yeah, it's been a long time coming. Serving at the coffeehouse at the club
originally only started out cause I needed spending money, but the more I
did it and heard people sing and share their words, it started making
me think that maybe I could be that brave someday. It took me four
years, but I finally quit being a coward."
" I think that's great. I know how much you struggled in high school and to see you tonight was
amazing. You are really good, I'm surprised."
Dave laughed at that,
"What that I could be good at singing?"
"No, just surprised that you have been holding all that in. It's a good
surprise though. So you're graduating, huh? What are your plans?"
"Well I graduated the aviation program. I'm joining the Air Force actually in two days."
"Oh, so that's what your song was referencing then?"
"Yeah, just ready to move on with my life and hopefully start a new chapter. I
know it's not gonna be very easy considering I literally just come out,
and then go into the military where Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed
like a month ago.
"Wow, the military, that's quite a brave choice."
"Yeah,well I decided it was time to give something back, other than hate and
bitterness and being a huge ass douche. I really should apologize for
high school again. I know it was a while ago, but I still feel terrible
how I treated you. I didn't even hate you. I was just extremely jealous
of you. The fact that you came out and it was okay for you, and it
wasn't for me, just really made it hard. I know that's no excuse, but
you should know that if I could take it back, I would."
"I forgave you the day you apologized to me when you were in the bully whips. I
know how terrible you felt, and I don't want you to carry that around
anymore. What you did here tonight was amazing. I'm impressed."
"Thanks, that means a lot coming from you."
"So, are you heading to breakfast with everyone else?"
"Actually, I was thinking of heading somewhere to be alone with my thoughts and just process what happened tonight."
"Oh, well I'll leave you to that, then. Good luck with everything, Dave. I
expect to see great things from you. I truly believe that."
"I wouldn't mind some company, Kurt."
"Oh, do you mean me?"
"No, I meant Hudson. Of course I meant you."
"Uhh, sure. Let me just text Finn and Blaine, so they don't worry about me."
Kurt's fingers flew over the keys and he slid the phone shut,
"There it's sent. So where are we heading?"
"Well I was thinking we could drive about a half hour outside of Columbus.
There is an observatory in a nature preserve that I like to lay on and
look at the stars. It helps me clear my mind and put things into
perspective for me."
"Sure, that sounds good."
"Really? You haven't seen me in like five years and you're willing to go out with me to a field alone at night?"
"For some odd reason I trust you. Maybe it's because of what you did
tonight, or maybe it's something else, but you don't scare me."
"Well, that's improvement I guess."
Forty minutes later they were pulling off the side of the road. Dave grabbed a
blanket from his truck and he and Kurt walked to the observation
platform.
Dave climbed up and placed the blanket on it and helped Kurt up the ladder.
Kurt helped Dave spread the blanket out and then laid down on it.
He placed his arms behind his head, stretched his legs out and looked up at the gorgeous clear night sky.
There were millions of stars twinkling back at him, a slight, cool breeze
rustling the grass and trees around them. It was peaceful and serene and
truth be told absolutely perfect.
"So this is where you come to think?"
"Yeah, I lay on the platform look up at the night sky and realize I'm a tiny
human being and in the grand scale of things, my life problems are
pretty much nothing. It helps put things in perspective."
"Wow that's pretty healthy of you. I often like to think the world revolves around me, even if I know deep down it doesn't."
"And how has that been working out for you?"
"Fine, I guess. But it is a little bit lonely. I mean most of you went to Ohio
State and I went off to Miami of Ohio by myself, so it was hard to be
the new kid again but I treated it like I did Dalton and I made some
good friends."
"So you like Miami then?"
"Yeah, it's fine. It's college. I made friends, I went on dates, and I've had fun. It's
just different than what you and Blaine and everyone else experienced
you know? It's like you guys had this small, tight knit group that I'm
not a part of, and while I'm extremely happy for you and for all the
LGBT students at Ohio State who have your coffee shop, I can't really
relate with my own college experience."
"Yeah, it's pretty groundbreaking and only really implemented at Ohio State, but I know
Blaine was talking about expanding to other schools in Ohio. So, maybe
he could come talk to your school about opening a branch? I know he'd
love to have you helping him again. You two were always so cute
together."
"Yeah, Blaine and I are only friends, and it will stay
that way. Our brief relationship was pretty disastrous. There was no
chemistry whatsoever between us. It was like kissing Brittany all over
again."
"Wait, when did you kiss Brittany?"
"Long story, but you know, I should ask Blaine to help me start a chapter of
UnderGround. I'm sure there would be students who would benefit greatly
from it."
"So besides being lonely at school, what else have you been doing?"
"Not much. I do my homework, watch TV with my girlfriends, and talk the kids from Glee on Skype whenever I get a chance."
"Oh yeah, they do Skype nights at the club sometimes. They always kept
trying to make me say hi, but I figured that would be hella awkward."
"You should've said hi! Like I said before, I forgave you a long time ago
and had I known you looked like this, I would've gladly said hi to you."
"Wait, does this mean you don't think I'm a chubby, sweaty jock who's balding?"
"You remember that?"
"How could I forget? That was my first kiss too."
"No, I do not think any of those things, David. I didn't even then. I was
just angry and trying to hurt you like you had hurt me. You are gorgeous
and clearly my type. Hello, Sam and Finn? Yeah, I like jocks."
"Well, I'm not really a jock anymore."
"You're still hot. Have you seen your body?"
"I don't know if I should be creeped out or flattered by this conversation."
"What? You've never had a man tell you how handsome you are?"
"Just came out tonight, Kurt. There were two guys in college, both also
extremely in the closet. Neither out, proud, nor brave enough to admit
that I was handsome."
"That's a travesty, because you really are."
"How about you? Any boyfriends?"
"Yes, actually. I dated a guy named Brian for about six months, then Jeff for about three. But nothing really serious. "
"Oh, well, that's too bad."
" I figure I have time. I mean I'm graduating in a few weeks too, and then I'm moving back to Lima and getting on with my life."
"Really? You're not going to New York?"
Kurt had to laugh at that.
"No. New York is definitely not in the cards for me. After my vocal teacher
told me I'd never make it in Broadway, then my dance instructor, and
acting coaches said the same thing, I turned to teaching music."
"Really? Someone said that?" Dave looked baffled by that revelation.
"It doesn't really matter now. I ended up adding a specialty teach music
and I just was hired to be the children's choir director and music
teacher at McKinley. So I'll basically be Mr. Schue but for little
kids."
"And you're happy?"
"Yeah, it's a good job, I'll be around my friends and family and I'll be doing music."
"Well as long as you're happy, then I'm happy for you."
"And you? You're happy?"
"You know what? I really am. For the first time in years, I'm happy and good with how my life is going. I feel good about it."
"You got all that from the stars?"
"Actually I think it has to do with talking to you."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I mean for a long time, even recently, I felt terrible about myself,
but I knew I had to come out and be honest with my friends and really
honest with myself. I'm gay. I like guys and there's nothing wrong with
it. I nearly backed out tonight, but when I saw you, I knew I had to do
it."
"Why me?"
"Because you were the first guy I ever felt
anything for and you terrified and intrigued me in high school and I
treated you really badly. I took all my angst and frustration and fear
out on you, and you didn't deserve that. So I felt as long as I had your
attention, at least for a little while, I'd finally tell you what I
wanted you to know back then."
"Which was that you were gay?"
"And that I'm sorry."
"Dave you don't have to apologize again."
"I know, but I want to. I want to tell you how sorry I am for all the
times I slushied you and your friends, for pushing you into the lockers
at school and most of all for kissing you that day in the locker room."
Kurt sat up,
"Dave, really…"
"No, Kurt. I need to do this. I am sorry. I didn't even realize how stupid
and terrible I was being in the moment. I was just so scared and looking
for any reason to just keep myself protected. Then it was over and you
were at McKinley, and I had a lot of time of thinking and some
blackmailing from Santana to realize that who I was and how I felt
wasn't your fault and that you didn't deserve anything I did to you back
then."
"I'm glad you were able to realize this, but…"
"Please let me finish, Kurt. When you came back to school and Santana and I
started the bullywhips, it was as if I had a second chance. A chance to
protect you and make you feel safe and the whole prom thing happened and
I felt like I had let you down when I walked away from you, and mostly I
just felt like shit because I liked you and I was intimidated by you
and mostly I was just scared of what other people would say or do if
they found out the big jock bully was gay himself."
"Dave…"
"Kurt, I am sorry, okay? I know you said I didn't have to apologize to you,
but I really do. I am sorry and I'll probably always carry this guilt
and regret around with me."
"No, Dave. Don't you dare. I forgive you. I forgave you back in high school when you cried in front of me.
You remember that? I forgave you then. I knew you were hurting and I
felt bad for you back then. I'm glad that you're happy and okay now. Up
until tonight I really didn't care much about your life, because I admit
it I am rather selfish, but I'm so proud of you. To see you know is a
shock and a welcome surprise. You are NOTHING like the Karofsky I knew
in high school. You are Dave, the sweet, sexy guy who has a voice that
can melt butter and the soul and heart of a wonderful man."
"You think I'm wonderful?" Dave stared at Kurt in amazement.
"I think what you did tonight and what you plan on doing, shows how
wonderful you are. You don't have to keep atoning for the sins of your
past, okay? They are abolished, no more. I think it's time we both moved
on and put the past behind us. What do you say?"
"I think that's a great idea."
Dave received a text from Puck that simply said,
"Get it."
Dave groaned and shut his phone.
"Something bad?"
"No, just Puck being stupid as usual."
"Let me guess, something sexual and perverse in nature."
"Basically."
"Give me your phone."
Dave stared warily at Kurt but handed it over.
Kurt pressed a few buttons, then hit the send button and grinned.
A few seconds later, the phone dinged again and Kurt laughed aloud.
Dave took the phone from his hand to see that Kurt had texted Puck back with
a list of possible things they could be doing and he had to guess which
one. The list including rimming, tea bagging, felching, and anal
fisting.
Puck's response,
"Fuck you guys are kinky. Forget I said anything."
Dave blushed as he read the list. There was one thing on that list he had ever even tried.
Kurt saw him blushing and started laughing harder,
"Oh, Dave. Welcome to the gay world, you have so much to learn."
Kurt looked at his watch.
"I need to get going. I have to be back to school tomorrow for a group project meeting."
Dave stood up and folded the blankets.
They walked back to Dave's truck and he put them in the back.
"Thanks for coming out here with me. It was really good to catch up."
"I'm glad you invited me, Dave. Good luck in the air force."
Kurt started walking toward his car and then stopped and marched back over to Dave.
Dave stood there wondering what was going on, when Kurt was pulling Dave to him and kissing him.
Dave gasped and when he opened his mouth, Kurt used that as invitation to stick his tongue in.
They kissed for a few seconds and Dave was going out of his mind. Kurt Hummel was making out with him. Holy shit.
Then Kurt pulled back. He was breathing heavily, his face was flushed and his lips were swollen and bright red.
Dave rubbed a hand in his hair willing his heart rate to go down.
"What was that for?"
"I figured you might get lonely while you're in the air force for 15 months."
Kurt started to walk away again.
"When you get out let me know and I'll meet you in this field."
"How do you know you won't meet anyone in that time?"
"Do you remember a certain conversation we had the week before our junior prom?"
"No. Should I?"
"You were in the bully whips. You walked me to class and you apologized. You told me to wait for you and I have."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I'm going to wait for you. I remember that conversation and it
always stayed with me. Now I know why. I think you are the person I've
been waiting for.
"Kurt, I'm going away. I'm enlisted for fifteen months. I can't ask you to wait for me."
"You asked me in high school and I said yes, and I meant it. I'm going to
wait as long as it takes. So go join the military. Go live your life. I
will be waiting here. And we'll have Skype and I'll send you letters. "
"How can you be real?"
"I just think it's time I took a chance on something I believe in. I believe in this. It's weird and sudden, but I do.
"You're willing to wait for me to get out of the air force?
"Yep. And I'll wait longer if that's what it takes."
"Why would you do that?"
"Because I know that despite everything we've been through, you came out. You
overcame yourself hate and doubt, and you are out and proud. And I also
know that the day you kissed me in high school runs through my head on a
daily basis. Not as a source of fear anymore, but more as a reminder of
what could've been. I can't get you out of my mind. It's why I kissed
you, and it's why I still want to kiss you.
"You want to kiss me?"
"Almost more than I want the entire new Marc Jacob's collection and that is a lot."
"I don't have a problem with that."
Kurt giggled and kissed Dave again. This time it was less frantic and far more romantic.
Kurt pulled away and sighed into Dave's chest,
"I really hate that this happened days before you're set to leave."
"Me too."
They stood that way for a few more minutes just breathing each other in,
both in wonder of what had happened in the span of a few hours.
"Don't you have to go, Kurt?"
"You know what? Screw it."
"Kurt, you shouldn't…"
"No, Dave. I'm not willing to waste our few precious hours before you leave
on homework. Even if I fail the class I'm going to graduate."
"Are you sure?"
"Is this your subtle way of trying to get me to leave?"
"Hell, no."
"Good."
"Well if you're going to stick around Columbus for the weekend, we should go back to my apartment."
"Don't you have roommates?"
"Blaine is my roommate and he's probably at Colin's."
"Who is Colin?"
"He's a sophomore. He's the guy that Blaine is training to take over the coffee shop."
"That's good that he found someone."
"Yeah, well I doubt that they're talking about the shop."
"Why do you say that?"
"No reason. Blaine keeps his private life pretty private, but the last few
times he's come back Colin's, his clothing has been disheveled and he
looks like he just got laid."
"Dave!"
"It's true. I don't say anything because really it's none of my business, but it's a Friday
night and I can guarantee you Blaine won't be sitting at home."
"So you and Blaine are roommates? How did that happen?"
"Well, it was about three weeks into school. You and Blaine had just broken up
and we ran into each other at the student union. He looked like shit
and I was pretty lonely. I asked him what was wrong and we spent the
next few hours commiserating over how in love with you we both were and
how you didn't want either of us. We became fast friends and then Blaine
was pushing me to a better person to be okay with who I was. And now
here we are four years later best friends."
"You and Blaine Anderson are best friends? I never thought I'd see the day."
"Ehh, what can I say, being in love with the same guy who doesn't love either of you brings people together."
"That's not true. I was in love with Blaine, I just couldn't handle the long
distance thing. It was too much and I told Blaine if it was meant to be
we'd end up with each other after college. It was Blaine who came to
visit me in October and told me he wasn't willing to wait until after
college to be with someone he loved and was with Jason. The man he was
"in love" with."
"Oh yeah. Jason. He was hot. "
Kurt shot him a dirty look.
"What? He was. That also lasted for about two weeks before Blaine realized how
annoying stupid Jason was and that was the end of it."
"I still don't see how your mutual hatred of me brought you two together."
"We don't and never hated you, Kurt. We were just heartbroken over our first love."
"I was your first love?"
"Well you were the first guy I was ever interested in and the first guy to
reject me, so in my mind, yeah you were. Anyway, Blaine and you are best
friends again, after the whole ski trip fiasco you took last year and
ended up trapped in an elevator together for four hours."
"We didn't have sex."
"Okay. I don't remember saying you did."
"I just wanted to clarify that. We made up and became friends again after
we realized how much we missed each other and how good we were as
friends before the whole romantic feelings thing came into the picture."
"Again, it's not really my business."
Kurt was getting pissed and started to pout.
"It is too your business! I just told you I'm going to be waiting 15 months
for you and here you are bringing up my ex as if it's no big deal. It
is a big deal. I don't want to talk about my ex anymore, David."
"Well what do you want to talk about?"
"Us. Back at your apartment. Preferably with our clothing off and your dick
in my mouth or ass. I don't care which. Maybe even both."
Dave nearly drove off the road.
"Are you sure?"
"I never joke about sex, David."
Twenty minutes later David was dragging Kurt into his apartment.
He kicked the door shut and locked it.
Then captured Kurt's lips with his own.
They kissed against the door until Dave felt his lungs about ready to burst.
He lay his forehead against Kurt's.
"Fuck, Fancy."
"Hmmm?"
Kurt stared at him dreamily,
"You have no idea what you do to me."
"I have a feeling it's similar to what you do to me."
Kurt moved back to capture Dave's lips.
Dave felt his pulse quicken as Kurt deepened the kiss.
He pushed Kurt back who looked at him with consternation,
"Are you sure you want to do this Kurt? Doesn't this feel sort of sudden to you?"
"David. I told you in the field that I do want this. I want you, and I can't
explain it, but you're leaving for 15 months and I want to have one
night to hold on to, while I'm waiting."
"But we just…"
"David, please do this for me. We don't know what's going to happen in fifteen months. I just want to be with you tonight."
"Kurt, no."
"What do you mean no?"
"I don't want to have sex with you tonight. I like you, a lot. I just
think sex is and should be a very big deal and not just because I'm
heading into the air force or because I'm going to be gone. I want to do
it with someone I'm in love with and with someone who loves me back."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Kurt sighed and thumped his head back against the door.
"I'm sorry, Kurt. You can leave if you want."
"No, you're right. I just haven't felt like this with anyone in a really long time."
"Really?"
Kurt reached his hand out and caressed Dave's face,
"Yes, David."
Dave leaned into the touch,
"I really do want to do this, Kurt, but I don't we're ready yet."
"I know."
"So, what do you want to do if we can't do that?"
"I don't care, I just want to spend time with you until you have to leave."
"Do you like gratuitous violence and cheesy acting?"
"What did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking Sylvester Stallone movie marathon."
"Only if you include Judge Dredd, Demolition Man, and Daylight. Over the top is a given."
"Of course. Daylight is my favorite though."
"Mine too!"
"Is it because Viggo Mortenson is in being bamf and hot?"
"That and because it's so bad, it's good."
Dave and Kurt grinned at each other and settled in Dave's couch to watch movies.
Two hours later Kurt was draped over Dave who held him close.
They were fast asleep as the credits rolled for the movie.
The next morning Luke awoke wrapped up in a huge down comforter in a large, luxurious king size bed.
He was confused until he remembered he had gone back to Dave's apartment and they must have fallen asleep.
Dave was gone, and Kurt figured he was in the apartment.
He was still clothed, so he knew Dave was serious about the no sex thing.
He walked out into the apartment to see Blaine sipping coffee.
Blaine arched his eyebrow and tried to keep the smile off his face.
"So, Kurt. Was not expecting to see you here."
"Shut it, Blaine. Where's Dave?"
Blaine's smiled disappeared.
"He left here an hour ago with his bags. He left to enlist in the air force, buddy."
"But he told me he was going tomorrow."
"He told me, I'm heading out, give this to Kurt, later buddy."
Blaine handed him a sheet of paper.
"I can't fucking believe him."
"Kurt what the fuck happened between you two last night?"
"Nothing! Nothing fucking happened and he just leaves without saying goodbye! God, I'm an idiot."
"Kurt, stop."
"What?"
"Just read the damn letter, okay? There is a reason Dave gave it to you."
"You're right. I'm gonna take off, okay? I just need to be alone."
"I'm sorry that he left without saying goodbye, Kurt, but I'm sure there's a reason."
Kurt nodded and tried to keep the tears from falling down his face.
He walked down the stairs of their apartment and into the sun.
He found a bench a few block away and sat down.
He opened up the letter,
Kurt,
I know you're probably really pissed at me and I don't blame you. I just
couldn't wake you up today and have a long drawn out goodbye. I never
thought last night that you'd come back into my life or we'd have this
thing. And I don't know what it is, or why you even want me, but if you
wait for me, in 15 months I'll be waiting in the field for you. And if
not, I hope you have a wonderful life because you deserve it.
Until we meet again,
Dave.
P.S. In case you were serious about corresponding with me, my email is .com
P.P.S.
Leaving friends and the place that I call home,
I don't wanna go
I just need to know that I can come back
I need to know, I only need to know that
You'll be here when I come back home
'Cause I don't wanna miss
A single autumn evening here with you like this
I don't wanna miss
All those nights we danced by the moonlight
Conversations about nothing til midnight
You and I huddled close til the daylight came
Remember the colors reflected in your eyes,
The scene painted golden
As the sun rises over you and me, darling
Kurt sighed and wiped the tears from his eyes.
He called Finn and had him drive him to his car.
He was home a few hours later.
He pulled his laptop out and sent an email to Dave.
Dave,
Damn right, I'm pissed at you! You can't just leave a guy like that! Anyway,
I was serious when I said I wanted to find out more about you and if
this is the only way to do so, then that's what I'm going to do and in
fifteen months, I will be in the field waiting for you.
-Kurt
P.S.
I'm growing up I'm working on these flaws of mine
I'm letting go of pride and shedding this disguise
I'm facing all the facts, I'm trying to improve
I'm cleaning up my act, and I'm doing it just for you
'Cause I am broken (I am broken would you fix me baby?)
But you are perfect (you are perfect would you fix me baby?)
And you are putting me together like a puzzle, piece by piece
Darling don't you know your fixing me?
Over
the next twelve months, they emailed back and forth. Kurt learned about
Dave's passions, how much he loved his family, especially his sister
and his nephew Jack, who was in one of Kurt's classes. Dave was so proud
of his nephew when he was cast in the elementary school play. Dave
learned about Kurt's obsession with Marc Jacobs and any book or movie to
do with Nicholas Sparks. They talked about dreams, desires, favorite
shows, movies, foods, and their pet peeves.
Kurt found himself looking forward to the daily email and chat sessions they would have.
Dave always logged on at the same time each day, so it was easy to have
semblance of normalcy in their relationship.
On their "anniversary", Dave sent him an email,
Kurt,
I'm sorry I can't be there in person to celebrate our anniversary, but I
wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you today. Three months
until we get to see each other again. I miss you and I can't wait to
see you.
Dave
P.S.
I know that I'm awake,
But I'm dreaming all the same.
I know you are scared,
But baby don't be.
'Cause it's one thing to say,
Everything will be okay
And quite another thing to believe in.
I know that sometimes can get so rough,
And I know that sometimes words are not enough
And I know it's been a hard year,
Being apart but it was better than the one before.
I know that we're okay,
But I worry all the same.
And I know that you are strong,
But you don't always have to be.
'Cause it's one thing to say,
Everything will be okay
And quite another thing to believe in.
I know that sometimes can get so rough,
And I know that sometimes words are not enough
And I know it's been a hard year,
Being apart but it was better than the one before.
There was one month left before Dave came home and Kurt was excited and
nervous. He was so in love with Dave at this point, that there was no
bother denying it to anyone. Everyone knew how he felt about Dave. He
had never said the words to Dave though because he wanted his first
words to him to be that. That he loved him and he was never letting him
go again.
Two weeks before the fifteen months were up, Kurt was going over music for the school play when his attention was captured by
the television with breaking news.
Two fighter jets had collided in a Red Exercise at Nellis Air Force Base in Nevada.
His chest immediately tightened, as he knew that Dave was there for that particular testing exercise.
He sat in numb silence as the name of the pilots taken to the hospital in
critical condition were a Mr. Mark Scanlon and a Mr. David Karofsky,
both of Ohio.
Kurt felt like he was going to be sick.
Then his cell phone was ringing.
He answered knowing it was going to be Blaine,
"Yeah, I just saw. I don't know what to do, Blaine. I can't just call up his
parents and say, hey I'm the guy in love with your son who you probably
don't even know is gay, can you tell me how he is. Fine. I'll try to
find out what I can. Yeah, bye."
He called every hospital around the area pretending to be Dave's brother until he finally got the right one.
He finally got a nurse even willing to give him the time of day. She told him to hold, a few seconds later, she got back on,
"I'm sorry, Mr. Karofsky, But your brother has moved on."
Kurt felt his heart shatter in that moment,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Mr. Karofsky, your brother is no longer with us."
"Oh, okay. Thank you for the information."
He hung up and burst into tears. He barely ate or slept for the next few
days wondering how his parents and family were handling this.
He waited to hear about funeral arrangements but none ever came. Of course,
they wouldn't. No one had known about Kurt and Dave. He promised
himself he would go visit his grave after everything had died down and
leave him flowers.
He quit taking his friends and family phone calls, he just wanted to be left alone to deal with his grief. No one
would understand what he and Dave had. It wasn't normal and it wasn't anyone else's business but his and Dave's.
Two weeks after the accident and Dave's death Kurt went to the local park and released paper
lanterns in honor Dave. He missed him, but it was time for him to let
Dave go. He had spent two weeks mourning and reliving the past fourteen
months of their relationship. As he watched lanterns float into the sky,
he started singing,
If you hear this
Wherever you are
Just know I need you here
I need you near me now
You were brighter than the pale white moon
Reflected in your eyes
So I guess it's no surprise
I can't forget you
No matter what I do
Chorus:
I will always carry you
In my heart
You'll always be my shooting star
Autumn days will fade away
But memories will always stay the same
I'm hoping you will never change
Don't ever change...
Kurt went home and went back to work. He worked on getting ready for the next school year.
The day came that Kurt was supposed to meet Dave in the field and for some
reason Kurt felt compelled to go. He didn't want to, but he felt maybe
if he could spend one last night in the field he could feel close to
Dave.
He drove his car to the field and stopped his car.
He took his blanket out and lay it out on the platform and looked at the
stars, he missed Dave and he felt his heart ache. He never got to say
goodbye to Dave and he felt cheated. He didn't get the happy ending.
He had waited for Dave, and all he ended up with was heartache and empty.
He yelled at the night sky,
"WHY? WHY HIM?"
Then he heard a throat clear behind him,
"Kurt?"
Kurt heart caught and he turned to see a very alive David Karofsky staring at him.
"Dave?"
"Yes?"
Kurt promptly passed out.
When he came to, he was being cradled by a very warm, definitely alive Dave Karofsky.
"Dave? How are you alive?"
"What?"
"You're dead!"
"Uhh, no I'm quite alive."
"But, I called your hospital and they said you had moved on."
"When was this?"
"Back when you had the accident in Nevada. They said, "Mr. Karofsky has moved on, he's no longer with us."
"They moved me to another hospital, Kurt. I was moved because I wasn't as bad
as they originally thought. I only had a broken arm."
"Oh My God."
Kurt was in Dave's lap hugging and kissing him,
"I thought you were dead."
"I'm sorry, baby, I didn't know."
"I'm just happy you're not."
"Me too."
"I thought you had died without knowing how I truly felt and that you died
alone, and all I thought was that I didn't get to tell you that I loved
you."
"Shh, Kurt, it's okay. I'm still here, you can tell me anything you want."
"I do love you, Dave. And I'm sorry I made you wait fifteen months to hear it."
"I know you love me, Kurt. It's the same way I love you. When I had the
accident, it was your face that flashed in my mind. I thought about our
last night here in the field and I told myself I wasn't dying on that
day, because I needed to come back and show you much."
Dave pulled his guitar out of his truck and started singing to Kurt,
just the thought of you sustains me and that smile of yours can make the whole world new
I love the way I feel when I'm with you
and when you say hello it makes me happier than you could ever know
the way you light up every room you've ever walked into
makes me glad that I'm with you
so don't forget to smile when you see the sun come out
'cause your laughter and your love are all I've been thinking of
just the thought of you sustains me and that smile can make the whole world new
I love the way I feel when I'm with you
Kurt threw himself into Dave's arms,
"You don't have to prove anything to me, Dave. I just love you. You are
amazing and I can't believe how lucky I am that we found each other."
Kurt took Dave's hand and dragged him to the blanket laying on the platform.
They spent the night watching the stars, holding each other, and making
love.
As the sun began to come up, Dave held Kurt close to him,
"I'm not re-enlisting."
"Are you sure, Dave?"
"I'm positive, Fancy. I did a lot of soul searching and growing up while I
was gone, and I've decided that I like who I am now. I like who I am
when I'm with you and most of all I love you and I don't want to go
another fifteen months apart from you."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Blaine offered me a full time job with his non-profit organization. I'm going
to help struggling teens in central Ohio who are struggling with coming
out and accepting who they are. I think it's the right fit."
"I'm so proud of you."
"Really?"
"Absolutely, plus we can finally be together."
"Great, because I told Blaine I'm not moving to Columbus."
"How are you going…"
"I told him I'm doing my work from Lima, and I'll make weekly trips to
Columbus, but I don't want to live in different city than you."
"You're moving back to Lima for me?"
"Yep, and I was hoping now that I'm back that you could give up your shitty
apartment and come live with me in my nice new apartment that I leased
today?"
"Don't you think that's sort of sudden?"
Kurt was smiling at Dave and Dave lunged at Kurt,
"Quit trying to be cute, Kurt."
"But I do it so well."
"You do. I know we haven't really been together, but I'm in love with you
and we've been in a relationship for almost a year and a half and I
don't want to waste any more time."
"I was kidding, Dave, of course I'll move in with you."
"Good, by the way, I got an apartment with two huge walk in closets."
"I fucking love you."
"I love you too."
For the first time
i feel like I'm at a loss for words,
there's nothing left to do
but move forward,
I'm finally ready for something good.
I don't know if you noticed,
but I'm trying not to show that I'm scared
that one day i might wake up,
and realize that you are not there.
For the first time
i feel like I'm at a loss for words,
there's nothing left to do
but move forward,
I'm finally ready for something good.
Songs Used In Order:
Chase Coy- Mockingbird
Chase Coy- Coming Clean
Chase Coy- Take Me Away
Chase Coy- All Those Nights
Chase Coy- Fixing Me
Chase Coy- Anniversary
Chase Coy- Never Change
Chase Coy- Picturesque
Chase Coy- I'm Ready