Changeups and Curveballs 7/14
7th Inning:
I don't wanna waste the weekend,
If you don't love me, pretend
A few more hours, then it's time to go.
And as my train rolls down the East coast,
I wonder how you keep warm.
It's too late to cry, too broken to move on.
Still I can't let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep.
Don't take what you don't need, from me.
Just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven
Then it was time for Chicago’s series in Boston and Luke went to the games.
He sat in the press box and did his job. Even when Reid gave up five runs in the first inning and was taken out he just wrote about the game. He felt numb and as if he was going through the motions.
Then he was at the press conference and sat there as everyone asked the Red Sox team questions after they lost. He stayed in his seat, but he caught Reid’s eye three times. Each one was worse than the previous one.
It was finally over and escaped back to his hotel.
Then someone was knocking on his door.
Luke opened it thinking it was his food, instead Reid barged in.
He smelled like whiskey and stale beer.
“Reid, what the fuck? How did you find my room?”
“I told them you were my brother and I had short term memory loss, so they gave me the room number.”
“What do you want?”
“You want to know what I want?” Reid was slurring his words.
“I’ll tell you then. I want you to quit fucking acting like a baby, and tell me why you have ignored me for three weeks. I want to fuck you so much I feel like I’m going to die if I don’t, and I want you to be my friend again, because I miss you.”
Then Reid was kissing Luke sloppily and Luke snapped. He roughly pushed Reid against the wall and kissed him back.
“So this is what you want?”
“Fuck yes.”
“You want me to have my way with you and then leave you?”
“Oh yeah.”
Luke was angry and he was horny, but mostly he was just sad. He didn’t want to have sex like this. He wanted to make love to Reid, but he did what Reid asked. It was rough, dirty, hot, and it was satisfying.
Reid lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Luke began to get up, but Reid stopped him.
“Can I please just stay here for the night, Luke?”
“What about Grant?”
“What about him?”
“I just thought you two were back together.”
“Grant is getting married to someone else.”
“Oh.”
Luke understood then. Reid was feeling about Grant what Luke was feeling about him. He just wanted to be held and told it was going to be fine. Reid needed Luke. Luke wanted to push him out of bed and tell him to go find comfort somewhere else, but Reid looked so broken he just held him.
“And you’re upset?”
“I’m sad.”
“Because you love him?”
“Yeah, I love him more than I love baseball. He just doesn’t see it and I don’t think he ever will.”
“I’m sure he will, Reid.”
Reid fell asleep with his nosed pressed into Luke’s neck and his arms wrapped around him. Luke could see dried tears on Reid’s face.
Luke kissed Reid lightly on the lips and fell asleep himself.
That weekend Luke tried to help Reid get over Grant, and the only way he could think of was with sex and food.
Then the weekend was over and Luke was getting ready to head home. Reid and Luke had been in bed that morning when Reid got a phone call from Grant. Reid told Luke he needed to go to Grant, because he had just broke up with his boyfriend. Luke told him to do whatever he wanted he didn’t have to explain anything to Luke.
Reid was confused by Luke’s sudden vitriolic reaction.
“I’ll be back before you leave though.”
“Whatever.”
Reid went to Grant’s hotel room and talked him through the latest argument. It was over the guest list and Reid helped Grant realize he was overreacting. Grant called Elijah back and told him he loved him. Reid left happy knowing he had helped Grant.
He arrived back at Luke’s hotel room just as he was leaving,
“You were going to leave without saying goodbye?”
“No, I just needed to get going.”
“I guess I should thank you for this weekend.”
“Just be happy, Reid. That’s all the thanks I need from you. That’s what I want for you. To find happiness with whoever it is.”
“Why do I feel like this is a permanent goodbye?”
“I just need to be away from you for a while, Reid.”
“Why is that?”
“If you don’t get it by now, I don’t think you ever will.”
“Why won’t you ever just fucking talk to me, Luke?”
“Reid, I don’t want to pretend anymore, okay?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Just let me go, okay?”
Reid was so confused and sad. Yet again, Luke was pushing him away and basically telling him his admission of love for him meant nothing.
Reid left then. He tried to wrap his head around why Luke was pushing him away, but he couldn’t figure it out.
Luke leaned against the door and let the tears stream down his face.
He needed to take a break. He called his boss and told him he was going on vacation.
Luke went home for the first time in nearly a year.
As he walked into his parent’s house, he saw Ethan and Natalie playing a board game.
“Hey kiddos.”
“Luke!”
Natalie ran and gave him a giant hug. Ethan was close behind. Luke had missed them a great deal.
“So, how are you guys?”
“Good. I just got back from academic camp and Ethan just got back from the fishing trip with dad and Jack.”
“Sounds like your summer has been busy.”
“Yep. So what are you doing here Luke?”
“What? I can’t come visit my family?”
“Sure you can, but you rarely do, so something has to be going on.”
“You are far too smart for your own good. I just came home to be around you guys.”
“It’s about a guy, isn’t it?”
Luke spun around to see Faith leaning in the door.
“How did you know?”
“Because the only other time I’ve seen you like that is when you and Noah broke up.”
“Well, this time it wasn’t anything like that. I was starting to fall for a guy and it turns out he didn’t feel the same way.”
“Doesn’t mean your feelings don’t mean anything.”
“Yeah, well, it was sort of stupid to fall for him considering I knew going in he didn’t want a relationship.”
Faith just walked over to Luke and hugged him,
“It doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.”
“Thanks.”
Luke excused himself and made his way to his old room.
He threw his bag on his chair and then curled up in his bed and cried himself to sleep.
That evening he woke up to find himself covered with a blanket and his mother bringing him some hot dinner.
“How long have I been asleep?”
“A few hours I think. When I got back to the house Ethan kept talking about you and I thought he was just making things up. Then I realized you were upstairs. So I came up and found you sleeping.”
“Sorry, I’m just exhausted.”
“I wonder why. How much water do you think you’ve lost crying?”
“How did you know that I’ve been crying?”
“You used the entire box of tissues and Faith told us you were upset about something. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t think I can.”
“You know you can tell us anything.”
“I just need some time to deal with it on my own.”
“Okay, but you do need to eat.”
Lily handed him the tray with the food, kissed him on the cheek and walked downstairs.
Holden was watching Jeopardy with Natalie and Ethan when she came down.
He got up and followed her to the porch.
“Did he tell you why he’s home?”
“No, but Faith was definitely right. There is something going on with our son and he doesn’t want our help.”
“He’s a grown man, Lily. Sometimes there are things you don’t want to share with people.”
“I just wish he weren’t so stubborn like Damian.”
“I’m sure that Luke will talk to us when he’s ready, until then all we can do is be patient and just give him space.”
“I know you’re right, but I’m his mother and he’s hurting and I hate that I can’t do anything to help him.”
They went back in the house and a few hours later Luke joined them downstairs for some television. They didn’t say much to him but Holden knew that whatever Luke was going through was something he had to deal with in his own way.
The next morning Holden was at the farm working with the horses when he heard a car pull up.
Luke got out and went inside. Holden hoped Luke could talk to his grandmother and start to feel better.
It wasn’t long before Luke was outside chopping wood.
Holden finished up with the horses, and then joined Luke.
“You feel any better today?”
“Not really, but hitting things seems to help.”
“Is there anything you need from us?”
“There isn’t anything you can do for me, unless you can give me a heart that isn’t broken.”
“Sorry, buddy, that’s something we all have to go through in our lives at some point.”
“Right, well I wish just once I could get it right and wouldn’t end up heartbroken with only myself to blame.”
“Is it Noah again?”
Luke looked at Holden in surprise,
“No, why?”
“Just wondering. Noah comes around sometimes. I know he misses you and I thought maybe you two had something going on again.”
“No. Noah and I have not seen each other since I left for Chicago.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I loved him but we were not right for each other. I left because there was no way either of us could move on if we were always around each other.”
“So you figured since it worked then, that it would work this time too?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re running away from this guy, right?”
“I’m not the one who ran away. He is in love with another guy and I’m sorry if I don’t want to stick around for the grand reunion I know is coming for him and that guy.”
“So you’re saying you gave up without a fight.”
“There was no fight. I don’t stand a chance against the love of his life.”
“How do you know that? Wasn’t there a time you thought Noah was the love of your life? And now?”
“Except Reid is with him now and I’m not with Noah. It didn’t work out for us, but Reid got his guy and I’m sad, but I’ll get over it eventually.”
Holden just looked at Luke.
“Are you in love with Reid Oliver, as in the pitcher for the Boston Red Sox?”
Luke dropped his head in his hands,
“Yep, and that’s what makes it worse. I can’t be in love with him. I’d lose my job.”
“So you came back to Oakdale to do what exactly?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping putting distance between myself and Reid and my job would make things easier. Instead, I’m a mess and nothing is helping me.”
“Well didn’t you just say you have no chance of being with Reid?”
“Yeah.”
“So, I think your choice is pretty clear. You have a job, which you love, and you have people who love and support you here and in Chicago. I guarantee that your heartbreak will eventually fade and you will find someone else.”
“I don’t want to find anyone else.”
“I know, Luke, but you can’t sit around moping here forever. You have to get on with your life.”
Luke finished chopping the wood and stacked it.
“I know you’re right. It’s just that it’s going to take me some time to get over.”
“Take as much time as you need. You know your mother and I love having you here, as does your entire family and all your friends.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
Luke went home, took a shower and crawled back into bed. He wore the Harvard t-shirt Reid had left in his apartment. It smelled like him and for a few seconds Luke could pretend he was wrapped in Reid’s arms.
Then he fell asleep and dreamed about Reid walking toward him. Luke kept trying to grab him, but Reid kept fading until Reid was gone and Luke was left alone in a giant field. He looked around and all he saw was the mocking faces of those he knew pointing out that he was a failure at love. He fell to his knees and sobbed as he saw Reid and Grant getting married. He was too late.
Luke woke with a start. That dream had shaken him. As he rubbed a hand through his hair his door slammed open.
In walked his best friend and newest Oakdale district attorney, Casey Hughes.
“Dude, you look like shit.”
“Nice to see you too, Case.”
“Seriously though. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I got a phone call from your mother that you’ve been here for three days, and have spent the majority of it holed up in your room crying your eyes out.”
“So?”
“So, you didn’t think to call me?”
“Casey, I love you, but you do not want to help me with this. Trust me.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to help my best friend get over his latest heartbreak? I could’ve brought ice cream and we could’ve spent hours bashing your ex.”
“He’s not my ex.”
“What?”
“We never dated. I let myself fall in love with someone who wasn’t emotionally available. So really, it’s my own damn fault.”
“You need to back up and start from the beginning.”
“Do I have to?”
“If you want me to understand and commiserate with you, then yes.”
“Fine.”
Luke looked out the bedroom window and thought back to that May morning.
“I was on assignment in Boston to catch Chicago’s first road trip of the season. While I was there Barry called me and asked me to attempt to get an interview with Reid Oliver. I said, I would try. I used all my connections, even the Grimaldi ones to get in to see the General Manager, Seamus O’Dell. However, I nearly blew it when I ran into Reid Oliver outside the clubhouse and we got into an argument. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, Reid and I were working on an interview with the paper. We became acquaintances and one day Reid showed up at my door with breakfast and we had sex.”
“That’s all it takes to get you into bed? A little food?”
“No, Casey. It was just I hadn’t had sex in like a year. Not since Noah, and he was there and he was hot. He was basically offering me string free, guilt free sex, and I actually found myself not hating him.”
“Oh boy. I can tell where this is going.”
“So, we had sex. It was amazing. He won his game. We continued to have sex. Then one night he spent the night and I helped him stay in Boston, and we didn’t stop talking or seeing each other.”
“Yeah, but how did that work with you being in separate states?”
“Skype.”
“You guys cybered over Skype?”
“Yeah. It kept us both somewhat satisfied, and then we saw each other in July at the All-Star game and when he came through for me on an interview to help me out with my boss, I found myself in love with him. I think I had been falling for a while and didn’t want to admit it. But, I was too late or maybe I never stood a chance, because his on and off boyfriend for years came to town. I left and tried to end it, but then Reid showed up for another series between Chicago and Boston, and told me loved Grant and that he was getting to married someone else. I let him use me for comfort sex. It hurt though and I couldn’t handle it anymore. So I told Reid to leave me alone and to be happy with Grant. He got upset that I pushed him away but he left and now I’m here, alone and miserable.”
“Okay, so what I’m getting is that you decided a fuck buddy, no strings attached relationship would actually work, although it’s been proven time and time again that it doesn’t, no matter who it’s with? Then he shows up with a guy and you get pissy and push Reid away, only to have sex with him again, then get mad again and push him away? So in all that time did you ever just tell him what you were feeling or that you couldn’t do the sex thing anymore?”
“No.”
“And why not?”
“Because I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it, okay? It’s not about sex. I like him, I actually want to talk to him and share texts and emails. I just didn’t want that to end.”
“But it ended anyway, because you were too stubborn to just tell him that.”
“Why would I tell him that? He didn’t want a relationship. He wanted sex, which is what he got.”
“I gotta ask you something though. How many times did you two have sex?”
“In real life or via Skype?”
“Both.”
“We had sex in real life close to twelve times, and over Skype every night from the end of May to the second week in July.”
“Okay, and how often did you two email, text, talk on the phone?”
“Every day from the end of May to the day I walked away in August.”
“So, if you were doing this long distance thing since May, how can you say you were not in a relationship?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just because you didn’t define what you had, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. You guys were in a relationship and neither one of you was willing to man up and just say what was on your mind or in your heart.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“The fuck it’s not, Luke. You are whining and crying over something you could have easily avoided if you had just told Reid how you felt.”
“But, that’s not fair.”
“Luke, life isn’t fair and you are both dumbasses for letting your pride getting in the way of what you feel. You need to talk to Reid and tell him how you feel, if then he still goes on and on about Grant, then you have your answer, but you haven’t even given him a chance to make that decision.”
Luke held his head in his hands,
“What if he decides I’m not worth the time?”
“Then you’ll move on and you’ll find someone else who will and you’ll have awesome sex and you’ll be happy.”
“I don’t think I can be without Reid.”
“So tell him that.”
“I can’t.”
Casey sighed and dropped his head back against the wall.
“When are you ever going to just trust your heart? Reid is not Noah, Luke.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Reid didn’t marry a girl and treat you like crap, or turn you in the dean of your college for stuffing ballots, he didn’t blame you when he caused his own accident by being stupid, and he didn’t guilt trip you into staying with him until his eye sight was fixed.”
“You don’t think I know that?”
“Sometimes I wonder, Luke. I know that your relationship with Noah wasn’t all bad, and that you loved each other, but it sure as hell wasn’t good all the time and sometimes downright terrible. It’s okay for you to be skittish about relationships, but blaming Reid for things Noah did is not fair to either of you.”
“I’m so fucked up.”
“No, you’re human, which you are allowed to be, but I wish you’d just listen to other people once in a while, Luke. We love you and we want to see you happy, and if that’s with Reid, then go for it and quit hiding behind your fear and excuses not to lay your heart on the line.”
Luke closed his eyes and sighed,
“I think I need to talk to Noah.”
“Do what you have to. Just quit hiding and making excuses for you broken heart on other people and do something about it.”
With that Casey made plans to have dinner with him later that week and left.
Luke knew Casey was right. He was still dealing with issues from Noah and it wasn’t fair to Reid to blame him for things that he had nothing to do with.
Luke texted Noah then,
Next
I don't wanna waste the weekend,
If you don't love me, pretend
A few more hours, then it's time to go.
And as my train rolls down the East coast,
I wonder how you keep warm.
It's too late to cry, too broken to move on.
Still I can't let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep.
Don't take what you don't need, from me.
Just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven
Click to viewThen it was time for Chicago’s series in Boston and Luke went to the games.
He sat in the press box and did his job. Even when Reid gave up five runs in the first inning and was taken out he just wrote about the game. He felt numb and as if he was going through the motions.
Then he was at the press conference and sat there as everyone asked the Red Sox team questions after they lost. He stayed in his seat, but he caught Reid’s eye three times. Each one was worse than the previous one.
It was finally over and escaped back to his hotel.
Then someone was knocking on his door.
Luke opened it thinking it was his food, instead Reid barged in.
He smelled like whiskey and stale beer.
“Reid, what the fuck? How did you find my room?”
“I told them you were my brother and I had short term memory loss, so they gave me the room number.”
“What do you want?”
“You want to know what I want?” Reid was slurring his words.
“I’ll tell you then. I want you to quit fucking acting like a baby, and tell me why you have ignored me for three weeks. I want to fuck you so much I feel like I’m going to die if I don’t, and I want you to be my friend again, because I miss you.”
Then Reid was kissing Luke sloppily and Luke snapped. He roughly pushed Reid against the wall and kissed him back.
“So this is what you want?”
“Fuck yes.”
“You want me to have my way with you and then leave you?”
“Oh yeah.”
Luke was angry and he was horny, but mostly he was just sad. He didn’t want to have sex like this. He wanted to make love to Reid, but he did what Reid asked. It was rough, dirty, hot, and it was satisfying.
Reid lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Luke began to get up, but Reid stopped him.
“Can I please just stay here for the night, Luke?”
“What about Grant?”
“What about him?”
“I just thought you two were back together.”
“Grant is getting married to someone else.”
“Oh.”
Luke understood then. Reid was feeling about Grant what Luke was feeling about him. He just wanted to be held and told it was going to be fine. Reid needed Luke. Luke wanted to push him out of bed and tell him to go find comfort somewhere else, but Reid looked so broken he just held him.
“And you’re upset?”
“I’m sad.”
“Because you love him?”
“Yeah, I love him more than I love baseball. He just doesn’t see it and I don’t think he ever will.”
“I’m sure he will, Reid.”
Reid fell asleep with his nosed pressed into Luke’s neck and his arms wrapped around him. Luke could see dried tears on Reid’s face.
Luke kissed Reid lightly on the lips and fell asleep himself.
That weekend Luke tried to help Reid get over Grant, and the only way he could think of was with sex and food.
Then the weekend was over and Luke was getting ready to head home. Reid and Luke had been in bed that morning when Reid got a phone call from Grant. Reid told Luke he needed to go to Grant, because he had just broke up with his boyfriend. Luke told him to do whatever he wanted he didn’t have to explain anything to Luke.
Reid was confused by Luke’s sudden vitriolic reaction.
“I’ll be back before you leave though.”
“Whatever.”
Reid went to Grant’s hotel room and talked him through the latest argument. It was over the guest list and Reid helped Grant realize he was overreacting. Grant called Elijah back and told him he loved him. Reid left happy knowing he had helped Grant.
He arrived back at Luke’s hotel room just as he was leaving,
“You were going to leave without saying goodbye?”
“No, I just needed to get going.”
“I guess I should thank you for this weekend.”
“Just be happy, Reid. That’s all the thanks I need from you. That’s what I want for you. To find happiness with whoever it is.”
“Why do I feel like this is a permanent goodbye?”
“I just need to be away from you for a while, Reid.”
“Why is that?”
“If you don’t get it by now, I don’t think you ever will.”
“Why won’t you ever just fucking talk to me, Luke?”
“Reid, I don’t want to pretend anymore, okay?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Just let me go, okay?”
Reid was so confused and sad. Yet again, Luke was pushing him away and basically telling him his admission of love for him meant nothing.
Reid left then. He tried to wrap his head around why Luke was pushing him away, but he couldn’t figure it out.
Luke leaned against the door and let the tears stream down his face.
He needed to take a break. He called his boss and told him he was going on vacation.
Luke went home for the first time in nearly a year.
As he walked into his parent’s house, he saw Ethan and Natalie playing a board game.
“Hey kiddos.”
“Luke!”
Natalie ran and gave him a giant hug. Ethan was close behind. Luke had missed them a great deal.
“So, how are you guys?”
“Good. I just got back from academic camp and Ethan just got back from the fishing trip with dad and Jack.”
“Sounds like your summer has been busy.”
“Yep. So what are you doing here Luke?”
“What? I can’t come visit my family?”
“Sure you can, but you rarely do, so something has to be going on.”
“You are far too smart for your own good. I just came home to be around you guys.”
“It’s about a guy, isn’t it?”
Luke spun around to see Faith leaning in the door.
“How did you know?”
“Because the only other time I’ve seen you like that is when you and Noah broke up.”
“Well, this time it wasn’t anything like that. I was starting to fall for a guy and it turns out he didn’t feel the same way.”
“Doesn’t mean your feelings don’t mean anything.”
“Yeah, well, it was sort of stupid to fall for him considering I knew going in he didn’t want a relationship.”
Faith just walked over to Luke and hugged him,
“It doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.”
“Thanks.”
Luke excused himself and made his way to his old room.
He threw his bag on his chair and then curled up in his bed and cried himself to sleep.
That evening he woke up to find himself covered with a blanket and his mother bringing him some hot dinner.
“How long have I been asleep?”
“A few hours I think. When I got back to the house Ethan kept talking about you and I thought he was just making things up. Then I realized you were upstairs. So I came up and found you sleeping.”
“Sorry, I’m just exhausted.”
“I wonder why. How much water do you think you’ve lost crying?”
“How did you know that I’ve been crying?”
“You used the entire box of tissues and Faith told us you were upset about something. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t think I can.”
“You know you can tell us anything.”
“I just need some time to deal with it on my own.”
“Okay, but you do need to eat.”
Lily handed him the tray with the food, kissed him on the cheek and walked downstairs.
Holden was watching Jeopardy with Natalie and Ethan when she came down.
He got up and followed her to the porch.
“Did he tell you why he’s home?”
“No, but Faith was definitely right. There is something going on with our son and he doesn’t want our help.”
“He’s a grown man, Lily. Sometimes there are things you don’t want to share with people.”
“I just wish he weren’t so stubborn like Damian.”
“I’m sure that Luke will talk to us when he’s ready, until then all we can do is be patient and just give him space.”
“I know you’re right, but I’m his mother and he’s hurting and I hate that I can’t do anything to help him.”
They went back in the house and a few hours later Luke joined them downstairs for some television. They didn’t say much to him but Holden knew that whatever Luke was going through was something he had to deal with in his own way.
The next morning Holden was at the farm working with the horses when he heard a car pull up.
Luke got out and went inside. Holden hoped Luke could talk to his grandmother and start to feel better.
It wasn’t long before Luke was outside chopping wood.
Holden finished up with the horses, and then joined Luke.
“You feel any better today?”
“Not really, but hitting things seems to help.”
“Is there anything you need from us?”
“There isn’t anything you can do for me, unless you can give me a heart that isn’t broken.”
“Sorry, buddy, that’s something we all have to go through in our lives at some point.”
“Right, well I wish just once I could get it right and wouldn’t end up heartbroken with only myself to blame.”
“Is it Noah again?”
Luke looked at Holden in surprise,
“No, why?”
“Just wondering. Noah comes around sometimes. I know he misses you and I thought maybe you two had something going on again.”
“No. Noah and I have not seen each other since I left for Chicago.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I loved him but we were not right for each other. I left because there was no way either of us could move on if we were always around each other.”
“So you figured since it worked then, that it would work this time too?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re running away from this guy, right?”
“I’m not the one who ran away. He is in love with another guy and I’m sorry if I don’t want to stick around for the grand reunion I know is coming for him and that guy.”
“So you’re saying you gave up without a fight.”
“There was no fight. I don’t stand a chance against the love of his life.”
“How do you know that? Wasn’t there a time you thought Noah was the love of your life? And now?”
“Except Reid is with him now and I’m not with Noah. It didn’t work out for us, but Reid got his guy and I’m sad, but I’ll get over it eventually.”
Holden just looked at Luke.
“Are you in love with Reid Oliver, as in the pitcher for the Boston Red Sox?”
Luke dropped his head in his hands,
“Yep, and that’s what makes it worse. I can’t be in love with him. I’d lose my job.”
“So you came back to Oakdale to do what exactly?”
“I don’t know. I was hoping putting distance between myself and Reid and my job would make things easier. Instead, I’m a mess and nothing is helping me.”
“Well didn’t you just say you have no chance of being with Reid?”
“Yeah.”
“So, I think your choice is pretty clear. You have a job, which you love, and you have people who love and support you here and in Chicago. I guarantee that your heartbreak will eventually fade and you will find someone else.”
“I don’t want to find anyone else.”
“I know, Luke, but you can’t sit around moping here forever. You have to get on with your life.”
Luke finished chopping the wood and stacked it.
“I know you’re right. It’s just that it’s going to take me some time to get over.”
“Take as much time as you need. You know your mother and I love having you here, as does your entire family and all your friends.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
Luke went home, took a shower and crawled back into bed. He wore the Harvard t-shirt Reid had left in his apartment. It smelled like him and for a few seconds Luke could pretend he was wrapped in Reid’s arms.
Then he fell asleep and dreamed about Reid walking toward him. Luke kept trying to grab him, but Reid kept fading until Reid was gone and Luke was left alone in a giant field. He looked around and all he saw was the mocking faces of those he knew pointing out that he was a failure at love. He fell to his knees and sobbed as he saw Reid and Grant getting married. He was too late.
Luke woke with a start. That dream had shaken him. As he rubbed a hand through his hair his door slammed open.
In walked his best friend and newest Oakdale district attorney, Casey Hughes.
“Dude, you look like shit.”
“Nice to see you too, Case.”
“Seriously though. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I got a phone call from your mother that you’ve been here for three days, and have spent the majority of it holed up in your room crying your eyes out.”
“So?”
“So, you didn’t think to call me?”
“Casey, I love you, but you do not want to help me with this. Trust me.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to help my best friend get over his latest heartbreak? I could’ve brought ice cream and we could’ve spent hours bashing your ex.”
“He’s not my ex.”
“What?”
“We never dated. I let myself fall in love with someone who wasn’t emotionally available. So really, it’s my own damn fault.”
“You need to back up and start from the beginning.”
“Do I have to?”
“If you want me to understand and commiserate with you, then yes.”
“Fine.”
Luke looked out the bedroom window and thought back to that May morning.
“I was on assignment in Boston to catch Chicago’s first road trip of the season. While I was there Barry called me and asked me to attempt to get an interview with Reid Oliver. I said, I would try. I used all my connections, even the Grimaldi ones to get in to see the General Manager, Seamus O’Dell. However, I nearly blew it when I ran into Reid Oliver outside the clubhouse and we got into an argument. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, Reid and I were working on an interview with the paper. We became acquaintances and one day Reid showed up at my door with breakfast and we had sex.”
“That’s all it takes to get you into bed? A little food?”
“No, Casey. It was just I hadn’t had sex in like a year. Not since Noah, and he was there and he was hot. He was basically offering me string free, guilt free sex, and I actually found myself not hating him.”
“Oh boy. I can tell where this is going.”
“So, we had sex. It was amazing. He won his game. We continued to have sex. Then one night he spent the night and I helped him stay in Boston, and we didn’t stop talking or seeing each other.”
“Yeah, but how did that work with you being in separate states?”
“Skype.”
“You guys cybered over Skype?”
“Yeah. It kept us both somewhat satisfied, and then we saw each other in July at the All-Star game and when he came through for me on an interview to help me out with my boss, I found myself in love with him. I think I had been falling for a while and didn’t want to admit it. But, I was too late or maybe I never stood a chance, because his on and off boyfriend for years came to town. I left and tried to end it, but then Reid showed up for another series between Chicago and Boston, and told me loved Grant and that he was getting to married someone else. I let him use me for comfort sex. It hurt though and I couldn’t handle it anymore. So I told Reid to leave me alone and to be happy with Grant. He got upset that I pushed him away but he left and now I’m here, alone and miserable.”
“Okay, so what I’m getting is that you decided a fuck buddy, no strings attached relationship would actually work, although it’s been proven time and time again that it doesn’t, no matter who it’s with? Then he shows up with a guy and you get pissy and push Reid away, only to have sex with him again, then get mad again and push him away? So in all that time did you ever just tell him what you were feeling or that you couldn’t do the sex thing anymore?”
“No.”
“And why not?”
“Because I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it, okay? It’s not about sex. I like him, I actually want to talk to him and share texts and emails. I just didn’t want that to end.”
“But it ended anyway, because you were too stubborn to just tell him that.”
“Why would I tell him that? He didn’t want a relationship. He wanted sex, which is what he got.”
“I gotta ask you something though. How many times did you two have sex?”
“In real life or via Skype?”
“Both.”
“We had sex in real life close to twelve times, and over Skype every night from the end of May to the second week in July.”
“Okay, and how often did you two email, text, talk on the phone?”
“Every day from the end of May to the day I walked away in August.”
“So, if you were doing this long distance thing since May, how can you say you were not in a relationship?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just because you didn’t define what you had, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. You guys were in a relationship and neither one of you was willing to man up and just say what was on your mind or in your heart.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“The fuck it’s not, Luke. You are whining and crying over something you could have easily avoided if you had just told Reid how you felt.”
“But, that’s not fair.”
“Luke, life isn’t fair and you are both dumbasses for letting your pride getting in the way of what you feel. You need to talk to Reid and tell him how you feel, if then he still goes on and on about Grant, then you have your answer, but you haven’t even given him a chance to make that decision.”
Luke held his head in his hands,
“What if he decides I’m not worth the time?”
“Then you’ll move on and you’ll find someone else who will and you’ll have awesome sex and you’ll be happy.”
“I don’t think I can be without Reid.”
“So tell him that.”
“I can’t.”
Casey sighed and dropped his head back against the wall.
“When are you ever going to just trust your heart? Reid is not Noah, Luke.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Reid didn’t marry a girl and treat you like crap, or turn you in the dean of your college for stuffing ballots, he didn’t blame you when he caused his own accident by being stupid, and he didn’t guilt trip you into staying with him until his eye sight was fixed.”
“You don’t think I know that?”
“Sometimes I wonder, Luke. I know that your relationship with Noah wasn’t all bad, and that you loved each other, but it sure as hell wasn’t good all the time and sometimes downright terrible. It’s okay for you to be skittish about relationships, but blaming Reid for things Noah did is not fair to either of you.”
“I’m so fucked up.”
“No, you’re human, which you are allowed to be, but I wish you’d just listen to other people once in a while, Luke. We love you and we want to see you happy, and if that’s with Reid, then go for it and quit hiding behind your fear and excuses not to lay your heart on the line.”
Luke closed his eyes and sighed,
“I think I need to talk to Noah.”
“Do what you have to. Just quit hiding and making excuses for you broken heart on other people and do something about it.”
With that Casey made plans to have dinner with him later that week and left.
Luke knew Casey was right. He was still dealing with issues from Noah and it wasn’t fair to Reid to blame him for things that he had nothing to do with.
Luke texted Noah then,
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