Ugh
Thought last night's date went alright,but apparently not? Haven't heard a peep from her since I dropped her off. Nothing at all today, which is unusual.
I forgot to take my meds today, which I realize is part of the reason that I'm feeling so low--but at the same time, it's not all of it because it usually takes three days before it really starts to affect me if I've missed that many. One day I'm usually fine with.
But no, I'm basically desireing to crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out and back to the wtf is the point in trying when all you ever get in re-affirmation that you suck and no one wants to be with you.
Went to work today for the stupid infant room thing and it felt so awkward. preschool kids missed me and that felt nice, but everyone else was like 'oh hi'.
If it weren't for ratio's, I really don't think anyone would care if I didn't show up tomorrow.
Things in general are crap. I feel like I am actually getting weaker physically. I can't even open pop cottles or jam jars without a struggle---or lately even passing it off. Like, it's frustrating as hell. Even right now, typing, my arms and hands hurt like they're exhausted. It doesn't feel right.
Bree's gone, havn't heard from Donna in months. Amanda is apparently not wanting any more to do with me even though for the life of me I can't think of a reason that last night would have gone wrong. I want nothingmore than to crawl ina hole and pass out for ever right now. Boy from online hasn't even spoken to me in a month and last we spoke things were fine. Work doesn't care about me. I started taking shit from my locker home today. Might as well...not like I'm gonna stay there for long. It's like I don't exist anyway. They scheduled the day care picture day on a day i was at school so the group photo i'm not in, i'm not mentioned in the recent newsletter (where EVERYONE else is), they never acknowledged the fact that I graduated, they made me interview for a position that ACCORDING TO MY CONTRACT WITH THEM I SHOUL DHAVE GOTTEN IMMEDIATELY. Not that I want it now that I know their requirements.
Oh, apparently Amanda doesn't even exist anymore. idek. Her profile on POF is gone. Apparently two weeks is how long I can hold someone's interest now. I didn't think giving her like 6 tiny homemade chocolates and a little dollarama teddy bear was a bad idea but apparently it might have been. idk. Or i killed her witht he chocolates or something.
obviously i'm in a GREAT state of mind right now because i don't even care about my spelling and grammar. it's been a while since i've just sat numbly and then broken into tears.
i'm just so done with life, i really am. maybe i should rob someone, or deal drugs or something. I hear jail is awesome. you don't have to pay rent, you get free meals, many lovely people to talk to who will confirm your state of pathetic-ness instead of pretending that you're awesome and really thinking otherwise. laundry gets done, don't have to work, get outside time. I think some even have tv's. Starting to think some criminals aren't all that stupid.
people don't seem to get how messed up i feel inside, howmuch is fucking spinning around my head, but I can't explain it. I'm too smart and my filters go 'k, stop talking, you've bitched enough' or 'don't say that, you know how that sounds' so i don't. peoplpe tell me it's just 'small stuff' and it'll work out and chin up and all that crap you hear all the time but no one understands and i don't know how to GET them to understand how I just feel crushed by everything right now. and have for a while.
I just.....fuck.