Happy things
I've been okay lately, no signs of Depression to speak of, but there are a few things bugging me. I'm not working out. I'm really sad about Ela. I'm getting sucked into some family drama that I won't blog about because, hello, drama. B. is out of town and I'm missing him. So instead of telling you my sorrows I'm going to tell you my happy things. As usual, I don't know yet what I'm going to tell you. There aren't any happy things in my head at the moment. That's sort of the point: I figure it out as I write this.
1. Small Boy is marvelous. He's becoming a teenager in two weeks, but still my loving boy. I adore him.
2. Oh! He has to be at the middle school tomorrow. It's only a mile walk instead of two miles. We could walk it! We haven't done that in a long time, and I used to love to walk him to school. A mile there and a mile back sounds like an AWFULLY long walk for River, I think I'll hold of on taking her with me though. (Oops, that just turned out wrong, as I just teared up realizing that Ela will never do that walk with us again.)
3. River! River is such a joy. She's a sweetie pie; affectionate and easy to train and fun to play with. Last night was the first time we let her sleep outside her puppy crate. She woke me at 5 AM (or, as she calls it, "play time") but at least she's house-broken now. She and Ela are getting along really well except for one minor issue that I'm going to erase and think about later because it doesn't belong in a "happy things" post, and, besides, it can't go on much longer because, uh, nevermind. Ela's imminent demise doesn't belong in the happy things post, either.
4. Money! I've been working steadily all through May and just sat down to pay bills and it was no problem. I love it when that happens. I should be happier about that as a general rule. This is a nice time of year. The rush is over and my business is down to a manageable level that brings in adequate income. Not enough to put anything by, but enough to pay current bills. The dark hungry days are coming, but they aren't here yet.
5. Darling Daughter! She left for Houston this morning looking poised and beautiful. Last night she made a massive dinner - enough for leftovers for a few days - and baked a pan of brownies. She brought some brownies to her boyfriend, and left us just the right amount. She's turning into an excellent adult.
6. Eldest Son! He called me the other day to tell me he was getting a GPA average of 3.4 this semester. Not 3.0, but 3.4. He is starting to get a whiff of the pleasures of achievement. This is uplifting to me in massive ways.
7. B.! He called me tonight (and emailed me, and texted me) because he misses me, too. He gets a bit sappy when he's away on business. I like that. Next month will be 27 years since we started dating. I'm still in love with him. One of the central joys of my life is that I'm in love with my husband. What a blessing that is! Think of all the drama I get to skip by being in love with that particular one person! Yay for a drama-free life!
8. I've got boobs. I feel yucky and out of shape and my tummy sticks out in disconcerting ways that tell tales of visceral fat, but when I'm skinny I'm an A cup and when I'm fat I'm a C cup. Guess which one my husband prefers. It's the consolation prize for being fat. I may as well enjoy it.
9. Volunteering! I've been asked to come and speak to a local high school class on financial literacy. That's sort of cool and I'm glad to do it. I've been volunteering for many years now as a speaker in this area and this is the third group that has asked me in. (I also do a twice/yearly gig at the community development center for new businesses and occasionally do a gig for people on food stamps/subsidized housing.) The people who are newly self-employed love me. The people who are in the financial literacy class as a requirement of some sentencing or whatever don't. I vastly prefer the self-employed gig. We'll see how the high school gig goes. I generally only like teaching people who want to learn; I'm not sure which this will be. For the time being I'm going to assume it will be a soul-enriching experience.
10. Hopes and Dreams! I've been toying around with a new business plan quite a bit lately. I've started to put it onto paper. Well, an excel spreadsheet. I'm having to recall all my old MBA classes; doing a SWOT analysis and thinking about marketing plans and organizational behavior. I'm contemplating dropping a few thousand dollars on some training, and doing some market research as a volunteer. It's fun an exciting to launch a new business. I'm likely to play with this idea for a solid year before I leap, if I leap. One of the virtues of doing a solid business plan is that you can save a year of your life and a bankruptcy by thinking it all the way through to make sure it's a viable plan. I get jazzed up at the idea of tweaking my life to alleviate some of the horrors of tax season. Doing it in such a way as to make more money? Cool beans. I'm even a bit excited about the idea of creating some decent jobs... although the concept of staff scares me the most about everything in this story. The good part of this story is that I think I can meet an unmet need with my idea. Hustle that makes the world a better place through economic activity. Doesn't that sound like something I'd like?
11. Grandma Florence. She died ten years ago (already?) and yet I still think of her nearly every day. Maybe just because of Mother's Day this past week-end, but she's been on my mind a lot lately in a sort of good way. The grief has mellowed into a sort of calm joy that she ever existed at all. Love doesn't go away at death, it stays around and fills me up from time to time. She was a woman executive in a day and age when women weren't executives. (She was proud to be a long-time member of the Business & Professional Woman's Society, a group that gave me a low-interest loan when I went back for my MBA when the kids were ages 2 and 4.) She would have loved how well my business is doing. Come to think of it, these early women business leaders would ALL have loved how well their dreams of women-owned business have played out. Grandma would have been proud of me.
12. I am healthy. I'm not happy with the fat I'm carrying, but tomorrow my friend with stage 4 breast cancer is coming for lunch and it reminds me of how very little I have to complain about. I am of sound mind and body and may very well remain that way for 40 more years. She can't say the same. Our children are the same ages. I will most likely live to see my grandchildren. She... won't. Uh, happy things... steer this back on course.... so the happy thing here is that I don't have cancer. Yay for not having cancer! If I *did* have cancer I'd be spending every minute wishing I didn't, so why not celebrate being cancer-free? Makes sense to me. Oh, and I'm not blind, either! These are blessings I should not let go by unremarked.
Okay, that'll do. I'm going to wake the puppy sleeping on my feet (not AT my feet, she sleeps ON my feet) and take her out for one more romp and then hit the sack. 5 AM play time comes early in a single-parent household
1. Small Boy is marvelous. He's becoming a teenager in two weeks, but still my loving boy. I adore him.
2. Oh! He has to be at the middle school tomorrow. It's only a mile walk instead of two miles. We could walk it! We haven't done that in a long time, and I used to love to walk him to school. A mile there and a mile back sounds like an AWFULLY long walk for River, I think I'll hold of on taking her with me though. (Oops, that just turned out wrong, as I just teared up realizing that Ela will never do that walk with us again.)
3. River! River is such a joy. She's a sweetie pie; affectionate and easy to train and fun to play with. Last night was the first time we let her sleep outside her puppy crate. She woke me at 5 AM (or, as she calls it, "play time") but at least she's house-broken now. She and Ela are getting along really well except for one minor issue that I'm going to erase and think about later because it doesn't belong in a "happy things" post, and, besides, it can't go on much longer because, uh, nevermind. Ela's imminent demise doesn't belong in the happy things post, either.
4. Money! I've been working steadily all through May and just sat down to pay bills and it was no problem. I love it when that happens. I should be happier about that as a general rule. This is a nice time of year. The rush is over and my business is down to a manageable level that brings in adequate income. Not enough to put anything by, but enough to pay current bills. The dark hungry days are coming, but they aren't here yet.
5. Darling Daughter! She left for Houston this morning looking poised and beautiful. Last night she made a massive dinner - enough for leftovers for a few days - and baked a pan of brownies. She brought some brownies to her boyfriend, and left us just the right amount. She's turning into an excellent adult.
6. Eldest Son! He called me the other day to tell me he was getting a GPA average of 3.4 this semester. Not 3.0, but 3.4. He is starting to get a whiff of the pleasures of achievement. This is uplifting to me in massive ways.
7. B.! He called me tonight (and emailed me, and texted me) because he misses me, too. He gets a bit sappy when he's away on business. I like that. Next month will be 27 years since we started dating. I'm still in love with him. One of the central joys of my life is that I'm in love with my husband. What a blessing that is! Think of all the drama I get to skip by being in love with that particular one person! Yay for a drama-free life!
8. I've got boobs. I feel yucky and out of shape and my tummy sticks out in disconcerting ways that tell tales of visceral fat, but when I'm skinny I'm an A cup and when I'm fat I'm a C cup. Guess which one my husband prefers. It's the consolation prize for being fat. I may as well enjoy it.
9. Volunteering! I've been asked to come and speak to a local high school class on financial literacy. That's sort of cool and I'm glad to do it. I've been volunteering for many years now as a speaker in this area and this is the third group that has asked me in. (I also do a twice/yearly gig at the community development center for new businesses and occasionally do a gig for people on food stamps/subsidized housing.) The people who are newly self-employed love me. The people who are in the financial literacy class as a requirement of some sentencing or whatever don't. I vastly prefer the self-employed gig. We'll see how the high school gig goes. I generally only like teaching people who want to learn; I'm not sure which this will be. For the time being I'm going to assume it will be a soul-enriching experience.
10. Hopes and Dreams! I've been toying around with a new business plan quite a bit lately. I've started to put it onto paper. Well, an excel spreadsheet. I'm having to recall all my old MBA classes; doing a SWOT analysis and thinking about marketing plans and organizational behavior. I'm contemplating dropping a few thousand dollars on some training, and doing some market research as a volunteer. It's fun an exciting to launch a new business. I'm likely to play with this idea for a solid year before I leap, if I leap. One of the virtues of doing a solid business plan is that you can save a year of your life and a bankruptcy by thinking it all the way through to make sure it's a viable plan. I get jazzed up at the idea of tweaking my life to alleviate some of the horrors of tax season. Doing it in such a way as to make more money? Cool beans. I'm even a bit excited about the idea of creating some decent jobs... although the concept of staff scares me the most about everything in this story. The good part of this story is that I think I can meet an unmet need with my idea. Hustle that makes the world a better place through economic activity. Doesn't that sound like something I'd like?
11. Grandma Florence. She died ten years ago (already?) and yet I still think of her nearly every day. Maybe just because of Mother's Day this past week-end, but she's been on my mind a lot lately in a sort of good way. The grief has mellowed into a sort of calm joy that she ever existed at all. Love doesn't go away at death, it stays around and fills me up from time to time. She was a woman executive in a day and age when women weren't executives. (She was proud to be a long-time member of the Business & Professional Woman's Society, a group that gave me a low-interest loan when I went back for my MBA when the kids were ages 2 and 4.) She would have loved how well my business is doing. Come to think of it, these early women business leaders would ALL have loved how well their dreams of women-owned business have played out. Grandma would have been proud of me.
12. I am healthy. I'm not happy with the fat I'm carrying, but tomorrow my friend with stage 4 breast cancer is coming for lunch and it reminds me of how very little I have to complain about. I am of sound mind and body and may very well remain that way for 40 more years. She can't say the same. Our children are the same ages. I will most likely live to see my grandchildren. She... won't. Uh, happy things... steer this back on course.... so the happy thing here is that I don't have cancer. Yay for not having cancer! If I *did* have cancer I'd be spending every minute wishing I didn't, so why not celebrate being cancer-free? Makes sense to me. Oh, and I'm not blind, either! These are blessings I should not let go by unremarked.
Okay, that'll do. I'm going to wake the puppy sleeping on my feet (not AT my feet, she sleeps ON my feet) and take her out for one more romp and then hit the sack. 5 AM play time comes early in a single-parent household