H is for Hunger
This is a series of posts trying to get my head in the right place for losing fat. The meme is to do ten items on this subject related to the letter of the day.
Hunger is my friend. It's an uneasy relationship, though, with some bad blood between us. I was *very* poor for several years as a child forty years ago, the daughter of a single unemployed pot-smoking parent. In these days before school lunch programs, before high fructose corn syrup, my calories came from things like leek soup and stuffed cabbage and tomatoes and somewhat wizened apples. (We got boxes of farm vegetables from someplace: maybe a soup kitchen?) I remember being somewhat astonished and disquieted by my friends who ate meat nearly every day. And it was a secret, too: my mother didn't want people to know her children were hungry. One was taken away at one point because he was too thin and that scarred her... but in the wrong way. Instead of making sure we were fed, she just pressured us not to tell. Looking back, I realize my father would have thrown a holy fit about the misuse of the child support money he was paying.
But, anyway, I've been hungry. It's not so bad. It's like muscle soreness... you can tolerate it if its for a purpose, if you can see a time when it'll end. When I was a kid I trusted my Mom would find us food, even if I was irritated that she hadn't yet. And now that I'm a grownup I have set it up so I really really will never have trouble finding food. I have rendered hunger toothless. This monster is now my companion. I can be hungry and not mind.
Which is good, because I need to lose fat, and that means touching in on hunger once in a while. The modern American world I live in now never even has a passing acquaintance with hunger, having a steady stream of calories keeping blood sugars perpetually high. But the body I want is from the days when many hours of activity could pass between meals. I need to remember that that is okay. It's fine. Hunger and I can hang out a bit.
On other topics,
H is for Healthy Fats. Many years ago now I read a textbook by Udo Erasmus entitled "Fats that Heal, Fats that Kill." It was really illuminating and put the kibosh on any remaining 'low fat religion' I brought out of the 80's. I still buy Udo's Oil and use it in granola and salad dressings. As part of the transition away from the full localvore diet I really need to make sure I get a whole lot more fatty fish in my diet.
Which brings to mind Hoarding. I don't really hoard, in the sense that I think of "hoarding" as selfishly holding onto things that are scarce. What I do is buy lots and lots of shelf-stable food and stock my freezer when things are on sale (or animals are freshly butchered) and just keep what I consider a deep larder. (Makes more sense when you realize I was hungry as a child, doesn't it?) But I do need to think about stocking up on more things like canned salmon and kippers along with my tuna. Canned fish is a shelf-stable nutrient powerhouse.
Hygiene held hostage came up in a previous post in this meme and it really belongs here. I do a weird thing where I don't shower until after I've worked out. I have been doing it for so long that it just feels really really weird to step into a shower if I'm not sweaty. The result of this will compulsion is that I simply cannot go too long without working out: it will make me feel too gross and render me unfit for human company. I simply *must* exercise/shower. I can't help but figure this is good for me. I cannot go off the exercise wagon for TOO long. OTOH, when I *do* push those limits I get pretty gross. One of the people whose blogs I read, mercyorbemoaned is always ranting about smelly people. She shouldn't try this at home.
But h is also for Habits, and developing good ones is part of changing to be the sort of person I want to be. For example, I've really been struggling with how to fit in walks now that I'm no longer walking Small Boy to school first thing in the morning. But my bank is a half mile away and they let me bring my dog in with me. I think the new habit I'm going to nuture - perhaps until it becomes a compulsion like the one above - is to only take my business deposit to the bank on foot. If I want access to my money I have to walk a mile. Sounds reasonable.
H is for Health, and that's the foremost reason I want to lose fat. It's not about being a specific size of clothes (although, uh, it'd be sort of nice to fit into the clothes I already own, please!) It's not about being able to do a decent showing in triathlons (anymore). Now it's about avoiding diabetes and heart disease by shedding the abdominal fat, and preserving my bone density. My beloved grandmother ostensibly died of congestive heart failure, but I think the *real* cause was a hip fracture the year before. Avoiding hip fracture is one of my (very) long term goals.
Happiness is another decent goal. I remember how unhappy I was to be fat. I also remember the joy of being able to move freely, strongly, being able to run and swim and bike and dance, now sexy I felt, how alluring I was to B. I haven't been really happy in a couple of years and I wonder how much of that has to do with losing my athleticism. I know - I remember - that losing fat doesn't solve my problems. But I honestly think it's fair to say that I'm happier when I'm slender.
Honesty is another word that's necessary in the quest for fat loss. I am still not really logging my food, hung up on the issue that I'm eating such a weird melange of homemade stews that it's impossible to guess the calories. While this is true, it ought not to keep me from at least writing it down in a notebook. I ate *how* many clementines today? Even good foods can be abused.
Help is useful. I wonder if I should join a group or something. It'd have to be an online group. I am very isolated in real life these days, hardly ever leaving the house (except to walk to the bank, of course.) Mostly I've just been reviewing the places and things that helped me before. Because most of fat loss is about...
Headspace. It takes a lot of psychic energy and attention to change something as fundamental as your diet and exercise patterns. I still have more head work to do to figure out why exactly I put on 40 pounds. There had to be *some* way in which that lifestyle worked for me, or I wouldn't have done it. Perhaps it was merely accidental. That would be a lovely solution. But whatever caused that accident still needs to be ferreted out and stopped from happening again. If I want to change I'm going to have to change. That's a lot to wrap my head around.
Hunger is my friend. It's an uneasy relationship, though, with some bad blood between us. I was *very* poor for several years as a child forty years ago, the daughter of a single unemployed pot-smoking parent. In these days before school lunch programs, before high fructose corn syrup, my calories came from things like leek soup and stuffed cabbage and tomatoes and somewhat wizened apples. (We got boxes of farm vegetables from someplace: maybe a soup kitchen?) I remember being somewhat astonished and disquieted by my friends who ate meat nearly every day. And it was a secret, too: my mother didn't want people to know her children were hungry. One was taken away at one point because he was too thin and that scarred her... but in the wrong way. Instead of making sure we were fed, she just pressured us not to tell. Looking back, I realize my father would have thrown a holy fit about the misuse of the child support money he was paying.
But, anyway, I've been hungry. It's not so bad. It's like muscle soreness... you can tolerate it if its for a purpose, if you can see a time when it'll end. When I was a kid I trusted my Mom would find us food, even if I was irritated that she hadn't yet. And now that I'm a grownup I have set it up so I really really will never have trouble finding food. I have rendered hunger toothless. This monster is now my companion. I can be hungry and not mind.
Which is good, because I need to lose fat, and that means touching in on hunger once in a while. The modern American world I live in now never even has a passing acquaintance with hunger, having a steady stream of calories keeping blood sugars perpetually high. But the body I want is from the days when many hours of activity could pass between meals. I need to remember that that is okay. It's fine. Hunger and I can hang out a bit.
On other topics,
H is for Healthy Fats. Many years ago now I read a textbook by Udo Erasmus entitled "Fats that Heal, Fats that Kill." It was really illuminating and put the kibosh on any remaining 'low fat religion' I brought out of the 80's. I still buy Udo's Oil and use it in granola and salad dressings. As part of the transition away from the full localvore diet I really need to make sure I get a whole lot more fatty fish in my diet.
Which brings to mind Hoarding. I don't really hoard, in the sense that I think of "hoarding" as selfishly holding onto things that are scarce. What I do is buy lots and lots of shelf-stable food and stock my freezer when things are on sale (or animals are freshly butchered) and just keep what I consider a deep larder. (Makes more sense when you realize I was hungry as a child, doesn't it?) But I do need to think about stocking up on more things like canned salmon and kippers along with my tuna. Canned fish is a shelf-stable nutrient powerhouse.
Hygiene held hostage came up in a previous post in this meme and it really belongs here. I do a weird thing where I don't shower until after I've worked out. I have been doing it for so long that it just feels really really weird to step into a shower if I'm not sweaty. The result of this will compulsion is that I simply cannot go too long without working out: it will make me feel too gross and render me unfit for human company. I simply *must* exercise/shower. I can't help but figure this is good for me. I cannot go off the exercise wagon for TOO long. OTOH, when I *do* push those limits I get pretty gross. One of the people whose blogs I read, mercyorbemoaned is always ranting about smelly people. She shouldn't try this at home.
But h is also for Habits, and developing good ones is part of changing to be the sort of person I want to be. For example, I've really been struggling with how to fit in walks now that I'm no longer walking Small Boy to school first thing in the morning. But my bank is a half mile away and they let me bring my dog in with me. I think the new habit I'm going to nuture - perhaps until it becomes a compulsion like the one above - is to only take my business deposit to the bank on foot. If I want access to my money I have to walk a mile. Sounds reasonable.
H is for Health, and that's the foremost reason I want to lose fat. It's not about being a specific size of clothes (although, uh, it'd be sort of nice to fit into the clothes I already own, please!) It's not about being able to do a decent showing in triathlons (anymore). Now it's about avoiding diabetes and heart disease by shedding the abdominal fat, and preserving my bone density. My beloved grandmother ostensibly died of congestive heart failure, but I think the *real* cause was a hip fracture the year before. Avoiding hip fracture is one of my (very) long term goals.
Happiness is another decent goal. I remember how unhappy I was to be fat. I also remember the joy of being able to move freely, strongly, being able to run and swim and bike and dance, now sexy I felt, how alluring I was to B. I haven't been really happy in a couple of years and I wonder how much of that has to do with losing my athleticism. I know - I remember - that losing fat doesn't solve my problems. But I honestly think it's fair to say that I'm happier when I'm slender.
Honesty is another word that's necessary in the quest for fat loss. I am still not really logging my food, hung up on the issue that I'm eating such a weird melange of homemade stews that it's impossible to guess the calories. While this is true, it ought not to keep me from at least writing it down in a notebook. I ate *how* many clementines today? Even good foods can be abused.
Help is useful. I wonder if I should join a group or something. It'd have to be an online group. I am very isolated in real life these days, hardly ever leaving the house (except to walk to the bank, of course.) Mostly I've just been reviewing the places and things that helped me before. Because most of fat loss is about...
Headspace. It takes a lot of psychic energy and attention to change something as fundamental as your diet and exercise patterns. I still have more head work to do to figure out why exactly I put on 40 pounds. There had to be *some* way in which that lifestyle worked for me, or I wouldn't have done it. Perhaps it was merely accidental. That would be a lovely solution. But whatever caused that accident still needs to be ferreted out and stopped from happening again. If I want to change I'm going to have to change. That's a lot to wrap my head around.