quite sad
I have been feeling quite down today. First, this morning at work didn't start off so well but wasn't so bad later on. Second, I got my union thing saying how much I owe them >_< which is just sickening. Third, I remembered that my baby doesnt get home till late tonight and I was thinking about how I'm not even going to get to see him on his birthday....depressing much? A bunch of people (women included) are going to be taking him drinking on his birthday...(me equals...not even close to being 21 meaning...I won't be there)...I also won't get to see him the day after because yet again..he will be drinking in an over 21 place with "magicians" and shit like that yet again with a bunch of people that I've never met...nor know of. But after he's done with all the hangovers and whatever else..I get to see him the third day...woo? It just makes me upset that my boyfriend is going out drinking with a bunch of girls and guys at a bunch of bars yet I've hardly seen him drink with me. It really inspires me to not do that anymore. It makes me feel crummy because I can't be there with him...whiles he's drinking with a bunch of girls....*sigh*...I guess I'll just have to find a way to get over it although I shouldn't have to since its kind of respectful to not drink with a bunch of chicks....I'm not allowed to drink with anyone at all so I kind of feel gyped....but oh well, lifes shitty and it goes on unfortunetaly. All I know is that if this wonderful person wasn't in my life that I'd be a lot more down about life than I am about this whole situation. I wish I were older but at the same time I'm glad that I'm not. I just wish he could understand. He asked me if he didn't go to that than what would I have planned for his bday and I felt like an asshole because he told me not to plan anything since he's doing all that, so I didn't even have an answer. I wish I could live up to everyone else he knows but I guess I just don't have a chance at that at all. I wish I was prettier because maybe that'd help things...but at the same time it wouldn't because i'd still be the same person. *sigh* I also feel like I've been eating a hell of a lot lately, I always feel hungry now. I feel like I haven't eaten in 10 years if I don't eat something when I feel hungry. Maybe it's the birth control, I dunno but I hate it. I just don't want to gain any weight because if I do he'll lose attraction to me and I'll lose confidence in myself again. I never want to be like I was. I need to go to the gym again but I cant afford it. Not in a million years. It's going to be impossible to get a car the way I'm trying to which is to save up money and all that but its like, how am I going to save money if I'm not even making any? Union fees are going to be about 35 dollars every month I think which is conpletely retarded since I don't even get any benefits for over about a year and a half....So i'm paying that ontop of 100 dollars to just get in the union itself and than as much more as they want to suck out of me. Im expected to pay rent which patheticaly I can't even do yet and I also have a phone bill to pay. I need to stop eating just so I can pay everyone the fucking money that they want from me. I'm sorry that I'm so pathetic that I can't even support myself, it really is pathetic, I am a pathetic human being. I thought I was doing so well too but not after remembering how much everyone wants to take away from me. *sigh* sometimes suicide does seem like the better option.....but than I think about my hunny and it knocks that dumb idea out of mind completely. I just wish I knew what to do.