(no subject)
Gah, I don't know why I feel so crap at the end of a nice, relaxing week end.
Perhaps its because I know what's coming.
* 1 x week of lots of work to do envolving documenting everything I do at work and how to do it
* 5 x job applications per day.. I've got a lot of work to do.
* Buying groceries tomorrow night that have to last me who knows how long
* Buying train tickets to visit my parents for Christmas
* Lots of cleaning, laundry, ironing and unfun stuff
* Unemployment come Friday at 5.01pm.
* Centrelink forms, if I will need them.
* Organising all my forms for my British Passport
* Organising all my forms for my Australian passport
And somewhere in there I need to find time to spend with my boi, and budgeting and figure out whether to buy presents for anyone (if i can afford to) and then figure out what.
Also, Scrapz and I are spending Christmas apart so we can see our respective families. This sucks but its nothing I've not dealt with before. Its mainly that being in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do for 3+ days drives me completely bonkers. I have trouble sleeping because its so quiet and all I can hear is the ringing in my ears. I spend my days lounging about, eating and being bored off my brain because there is only dodgy dial up net (pay by the hour style) and a computer so ancient it makes my brain hurt (think HP standard system bought circa 1999). I got so excited before about it mainly because I thought we'd be able to share the quiet time, and I could meet his family and stuff, we could hang out on the beach... but
not this time, maybe sometime later. Now's not really good for either of us.
I am so stressed out lately, feeling a bit head crazy with all this shit going on, I just feel like crying myself to sleep.
With the work termination thing, it's not really my fault. And while I know this in my logical part of my personality, my girl crazies always kick in and feed my already bruised ego.
I have massive problems with rejection. I always have, but its been terrible the way it has controlled me for so long and I just feel powerless to stop it. I was always the cool one up until high school and then everything changed. I moved from Weipa (mining town in far far north QLD) back to Brisbane and started at a private school. I never really fit in there, I was so behind, and I've never really been a good academic. Everything has always been a really tough lesson for me, and I don't know if it's because I fight it or because I simply fear the change that it might bring. I've been rejected a lot; in love, in friendship, in work and in family. And I still carry the hurt of every single rejection I've ever endured.
The most difficult time for me was my parents move back to America. It was like they left me here, abandoned me, and while I played it tough on the outside, every little bit still hurts, every time.
This recent job loss is just another rejection on my long long list over time. I can't help but take it personally.
And now I'm back to that horrible place in my life I like to refer to as unemployment. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns, and while It may be nice to have time to do the things you love, I can never go back there... Last time sent me into one of the deepest depressions I have ever known, so bad that I did something I felt needed to be done, I got a prescription for anti-depressants. Much as I didnt like the idea, I didnt want to become a completely emotionless drone being on them but I accepted that I needed help.
Anyway I think that's enough ranting for now, I just need to stop being such a victim and stop taking everything so fucking personally.
Missions for next year:
1. Find FT employment doing something I like
2. Lose weight (30kg)
3. Stop taking everything so seriously
So that's it. That's what I want to do. My goals for next year.
So here's a big "fuck off" to 2005: You've given me hangovers, debt, pregnancy and unemployment. Anything else you want to add before you twist the knife?
Perhaps its because I know what's coming.
* 1 x week of lots of work to do envolving documenting everything I do at work and how to do it
* 5 x job applications per day.. I've got a lot of work to do.
* Buying groceries tomorrow night that have to last me who knows how long
* Buying train tickets to visit my parents for Christmas
* Lots of cleaning, laundry, ironing and unfun stuff
* Unemployment come Friday at 5.01pm.
* Centrelink forms, if I will need them.
* Organising all my forms for my British Passport
* Organising all my forms for my Australian passport
And somewhere in there I need to find time to spend with my boi, and budgeting and figure out whether to buy presents for anyone (if i can afford to) and then figure out what.
Also, Scrapz and I are spending Christmas apart so we can see our respective families. This sucks but its nothing I've not dealt with before. Its mainly that being in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do for 3+ days drives me completely bonkers. I have trouble sleeping because its so quiet and all I can hear is the ringing in my ears. I spend my days lounging about, eating and being bored off my brain because there is only dodgy dial up net (pay by the hour style) and a computer so ancient it makes my brain hurt (think HP standard system bought circa 1999). I got so excited before about it mainly because I thought we'd be able to share the quiet time, and I could meet his family and stuff, we could hang out on the beach... but
not this time, maybe sometime later. Now's not really good for either of us.
I am so stressed out lately, feeling a bit head crazy with all this shit going on, I just feel like crying myself to sleep.
With the work termination thing, it's not really my fault. And while I know this in my logical part of my personality, my girl crazies always kick in and feed my already bruised ego.
I have massive problems with rejection. I always have, but its been terrible the way it has controlled me for so long and I just feel powerless to stop it. I was always the cool one up until high school and then everything changed. I moved from Weipa (mining town in far far north QLD) back to Brisbane and started at a private school. I never really fit in there, I was so behind, and I've never really been a good academic. Everything has always been a really tough lesson for me, and I don't know if it's because I fight it or because I simply fear the change that it might bring. I've been rejected a lot; in love, in friendship, in work and in family. And I still carry the hurt of every single rejection I've ever endured.
The most difficult time for me was my parents move back to America. It was like they left me here, abandoned me, and while I played it tough on the outside, every little bit still hurts, every time.
This recent job loss is just another rejection on my long long list over time. I can't help but take it personally.
And now I'm back to that horrible place in my life I like to refer to as unemployment. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns, and while It may be nice to have time to do the things you love, I can never go back there... Last time sent me into one of the deepest depressions I have ever known, so bad that I did something I felt needed to be done, I got a prescription for anti-depressants. Much as I didnt like the idea, I didnt want to become a completely emotionless drone being on them but I accepted that I needed help.
Anyway I think that's enough ranting for now, I just need to stop being such a victim and stop taking everything so fucking personally.
Missions for next year:
1. Find FT employment doing something I like
2. Lose weight (30kg)
3. Stop taking everything so seriously
So that's it. That's what I want to do. My goals for next year.
So here's a big "fuck off" to 2005: You've given me hangovers, debt, pregnancy and unemployment. Anything else you want to add before you twist the knife?