(Crank) "Vengeance is a Dish best plotted over coffee"

[maria_chan]

Title: Vengeance is a Dish best plotted over coffee
Author: Maria_Chan
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4x5
Prompt: "Crank"
Rating: PG-13 for implied adult shenanigans 
Warnings: (a poor attempt at) Humor, slight OOCness, oh and Quatre is soooooo not a morning person. unbata'ed.
Notes: Got this in at the last minute!  Yet another story I've been kicking around in my head but it didn't come to fruition until I saw this prompt :D  Enjoy!
***
Considering that he was one of the five saviors of the Earth and Colonies, and proclaimed "Perfect Soldier", Heero had been certain that he was prepared for a great many of things.

A disgruntled and visibly sleep-deprived Quatre on his doorstep on a Sunday morning, apparently wasn't one of those many things he should have anticipated.

Nor the grumbled, "I need to borrow you and Duo," in lieu of a  "Good Morning" as the blonde let himself in.y!

Duo, who had just appeared at the bottom of the staircase in time to hear Quatre's greeting, didn't miss a beat, "Jesus, Quat,  Tro and Wufei have only been gone for..." Duo checked his watch, " twenty-four hours.  I don't think Heero and I could keep up-"

Heero did see the uncharacteristically stormy look upon Quatre's features, and was suddenly reminded of a passing comment Trowa had once made about Quatre being akin to a grizzly bear suddenly startled out of hibernation when sleep deprived, and cut Duo off, "Coffee?"

"Please," said Quatre as he stalked behind Heero into the kitchen.

***

Quatre's cell phone was in the center of the table awaiting their scrutiny as three of them sipped their coffee.

"So,  Wu and Trowa went off in your stead for this Winner Corporation conference,"  Duo said as he poked at the phone.

Quatre nodded into his cup.

"...so what's the problem?"

Quatre picked up the phone, and after a moment of fiddling and adjusting the phone's speaker capabilities, he said looking pointedly at Duo, "I need your expertise in getting back at them..." and set the phone back in the middle of table for them to listen.

What followed were a series of messages from Trowa and Wufei, who evidently had gotten rip-roaring drunk at whatever  complementary hospitality suite or  minibar in the vicinity, and had decided the best thing to do with their time was to repeatedly drunk-dial their boyfriend throughout the night.

Duo of course, was amused and Heero could see the tears forming at the corners of his lover's eyes from what Heero could discern was a shear effort of will to stop himself from laughing as hard as he wanted.

"I don't think I've ever heard or seen Wufei that drunk," was all Duo could offer by way of a comment.

"If I were you," Heero said, trying to keep the smile out of his own voice, "I would have turned off the phone."

Quatre huffed, "I did...and then the two idiots started calling the house."

A laugh finally made it's way out of Duo before, "Why did you just not pick up?"

Quatre sighed, "Because I was scared that the one time I didn't, it would be the one time they needed me," he rubbed his temples, "I had half a mind to call Yusef and Auda to have them separated, but then I didn't want to subject either of them or the hotel personal to whatever else they were doing."

Duo made a look of disbelief, "Separate them?  Like they're five?  Quat, you are our strategist...that was the best idea you could come up with?"

"At three in the morning, yes," Quatre groused and then fumed at the phone, where Trowa was slurring out a (albeit poorly delivered) dirty joke, and then at Duo, who had finally succumbed to his needs and was now doubled over in his chair laughing hysterically.

"Oh god, this is-I am sorry Quatre, I know you're pissed off and all, but you have to admit this is funny," Duo said between breathes of air, "best. Sunday, in a long time."

Quatre rolled his eyes, "Ask me when I am old and on my deathbed...maybe then I'll see the humor in this."

The phone suddenly went quiet, and Trowa and Wufei's previously inebriated hullabaloo was replaced by muffled voices and the very distinct sounds of material rustling.  When a very telltale moan was heard (Heero suspected it was Wufei) and the sound of what could only be two people sloppily kissing, Heero watched Quatre's face turn ten shades red  in a matter of seconds, as the blonde suddenly grabbed the phone and shut it off.

"Let me guess...you hadn't heard that message," Heero smirked, while Duo complained loudly that Quatre had cut them off when the whole mess was just getting good.

Quatre shook his head, "I-I didn't realise..."

Duo was practically buzzy with laughter; his whole body seemed to be radiating an almost fiendish glee, "I bet you're going to keep that one and play it when you're home alone tonight, " he teased.

Quatre coughed and said nothing, which only heightened the euphoria for Duo's teasing and practical joker self.

Poor Trowa and Wufei, Heero thought, they were not going to get off easy; not when Duo was in this sort of mood with this sort of ammo...with Quatre's blessing.

But then again, considering that it was Quatre, their strategist, Heero knew that Quatre knew  how to utilize the best talent and tools their little team had to offer.  In short, Quatre came to the right man for this job.  And as for him, well, Heero would be along for the ride, assisting Quatre with keeping things from getting too out of hand.

With that in mind, Heero plucked the phone out of Quatre's hand and set it back in the middle of the table:
"So... ideas?"

***