contemplating
This is like an addiction.
To let my words freefall across this page, so free of judgement of wandering eyes and curious bystanders.
Like being free for once in my life to say everything I want to say, to actually feel.
Upon seeing me today, I am wondering if there was even the slightest tinge of regret; remorse ebbing at your mind. It seemed to hit me like a car crash. The atmosphere betwen us seemed to be so strongly infected with the plague, that I could hardly bear it; it was suffocating. I came to see today that you are someone that I am myself around, that I am really and truly happy around, and nothing else can ever feel better than being real for once. Not that this even matters. I do not want you to feel sympathetic towards me, I just want to understand, to know how you feel, how you think, and what you were thinking in that instant....but I never will. You choose her over me and there is no apology strong enough to piece back together what you have shattered. Of course you will never know the effect of which this has had upon me seeing that I am a master at concealing my emotions. Sometimes I don't know if it is a gift or a curse. I act as if I have moved on and that none of this bothers me. I am the only one who will ever know differently. How much it keeps me up at night and eats away at my mind like a cancer that multiplies and consumes all that I am. end.
For the first time tonight the most amazing thing happened. I have always loved performing, but never felt quite comfortable or like I belonged. Tonight It felt so good. I felt every chord, every note, every word, in every song. It was perfect.
I felt so alive. wake up.
To let my words freefall across this page, so free of judgement of wandering eyes and curious bystanders.
Like being free for once in my life to say everything I want to say, to actually feel.
Upon seeing me today, I am wondering if there was even the slightest tinge of regret; remorse ebbing at your mind. It seemed to hit me like a car crash. The atmosphere betwen us seemed to be so strongly infected with the plague, that I could hardly bear it; it was suffocating. I came to see today that you are someone that I am myself around, that I am really and truly happy around, and nothing else can ever feel better than being real for once. Not that this even matters. I do not want you to feel sympathetic towards me, I just want to understand, to know how you feel, how you think, and what you were thinking in that instant....but I never will. You choose her over me and there is no apology strong enough to piece back together what you have shattered. Of course you will never know the effect of which this has had upon me seeing that I am a master at concealing my emotions. Sometimes I don't know if it is a gift or a curse. I act as if I have moved on and that none of this bothers me. I am the only one who will ever know differently. How much it keeps me up at night and eats away at my mind like a cancer that multiplies and consumes all that I am. end.
For the first time tonight the most amazing thing happened. I have always loved performing, but never felt quite comfortable or like I belonged. Tonight It felt so good. I felt every chord, every note, every word, in every song. It was perfect.
I felt so alive. wake up.