(no subject)
Ignore the typos and grammar... that's not really the point for once lol.
Dear Innocent Smoothies,
I would like to report you to your mums for ruining an absolutely delicious drink.
I confess to not being an Innocent addict, normally purchasing them every now and then when I'm feeling sufficiently rich or my body sufficient dead. Combine manful with a 2 for £5.00 offer and Tesco and you've got a guaranteed sale.
"Great!" I was thinking, "I shall invest five hundred of my shiny British pence in a strawberry and banana as well as some bogie juice".
To add some clarity, bogie juice is the affectionate name that we donned to your kiwi, lime and random green smoothie.
"Rejoice!" I was singing in my head as I walked towards the car. I got home, tore into my strawberry and banana tetrapack and swallowed it down like I was a Vietnamese lady of the night instructed to give your strawberries the ride of their lives.
Shortly after consuming a whole litre of random pink bits, ignoring the fact my healthy smoothie had more than likely exceeded my RDA of sugar (but fruit sugars are ok, right?), I decided to go for some bogie juice. Now I've always considered it a slightly odd name, but blended bogies always seemed to work well. That is until now.
Without even waiting for a glass I poured the carton directly down my throat, as if I was Princess Fiona waiting for Shrek's biggest excitement, only to gag myself in a non-pleasant way.
No bananas?
An excess of pineapple?
What was going on?
I found myself absolutely discombobulated and walked in circles for many hours before returning to my bathroom in the dark with the lights off rocking backwards and forwards in a bathtub filled with the remnants of my Kiwi, Apple and Lime smoothie. Was it the end of the world? Had someone re-written my taste buds? For an hour I was seriously concerned that it was a government plot by Gordon Brown to brainwash the population into thinking he actually had an ounce of charisma.
I finally came out of my catatonic heaven only to see the carton I was cradling. It had a label on I'd not noticed in my haste to guzzle it like a naughty schoolgirl - "New and banana free".
"What! What! What!"
After much investigation, hiring CERN to perform some experiments using the currently defunct hadron collider and a selection of ominous medical instruments I found it to be true. There were, indeed, no bananas in the smoothie... instead someone had added a pineapple and a dash of spinach and some nettle extrtact.
"Nettle extract? Are they mad?" I thought to myself. "Why would someone wish to feed me nettles or spinach rather than the phallic wonder that is the banana? Oh why!"
I've been searching for an explanation to this question, but still cannot find one. It's known fact that pineapples have been known to abuse animals within the home and spinach and nettle extract really don't belong in drinks. I have suspicions they don't even belong on this planet.
I'm now sat with a glass off off-bogie coloured green liquid, lacking any phallic content, with a much sharper taste than before that cannot be consumed en-masse. Please do something about the pineapple - it's pure evil. More limes, more bananas, hell - you could put some bacon in there... but right now I've had to go through a series of counselling sessions just to leave the bathroom. This e-mail is, infact, being written in my smoothie filled bathtub.
I, along with fellow lovers of the world's most phallic fruit, would request that you make the Kiwi, Apple and Lime recipe somewhat edible again. If not for me, and not for you - think of the children. Do you really want them growing up in a world where Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back video would have featured pineapoples instead of bananas? That would have simply made no sense and could have caused the spac time continuum to collapse upon itself.
I besiege thee... please help.
Yours Sincerely,
Guy Powell
Soothie and Phallic-Banana Loving Fan
Hello Guy,
There's no sugarcoating this Guy: you're funny. Funnier than a clown, possibly even funnier than Robin Williams in the early part of his career. That funny. And I can't tell you how nice it is to read a funny email once in a while. I dare say you've made my day in fact.
Complimenting aside though, we're pretty big on feedback here at fruit towers so I will definitely pass your thoughts on to the ladies in the products kitchen. We're rather fond of our new smoothie, and literally hundreds of people have got in touch with us to let us know how much they liked it. But we totally appreciate that taste is a very personal thing - I guess it's not always possible to please everyone.
The reason we got rid of the bananas is because there are loads of people out there who can't eat them, and a banana free recipe was the most requested smoothie idea we've had since we've been in business, so we thought it was about time we made one really. I'm just sorry this particular recipe was not your cup of tea/bottle of smoothie.
Again though, thanks for taking the time to write in.
Have a great week,
Joe
P.s. To reward the brilliance of your email, let me know your address and I'll stick a voucher in the post to you so that you can grab a non banana-free smoothie on us.
Dear Innocent Smoothies,
I would like to report you to your mums for ruining an absolutely delicious drink.
I confess to not being an Innocent addict, normally purchasing them every now and then when I'm feeling sufficiently rich or my body sufficient dead. Combine manful with a 2 for £5.00 offer and Tesco and you've got a guaranteed sale.
"Great!" I was thinking, "I shall invest five hundred of my shiny British pence in a strawberry and banana as well as some bogie juice".
To add some clarity, bogie juice is the affectionate name that we donned to your kiwi, lime and random green smoothie.
"Rejoice!" I was singing in my head as I walked towards the car. I got home, tore into my strawberry and banana tetrapack and swallowed it down like I was a Vietnamese lady of the night instructed to give your strawberries the ride of their lives.
Shortly after consuming a whole litre of random pink bits, ignoring the fact my healthy smoothie had more than likely exceeded my RDA of sugar (but fruit sugars are ok, right?), I decided to go for some bogie juice. Now I've always considered it a slightly odd name, but blended bogies always seemed to work well. That is until now.
Without even waiting for a glass I poured the carton directly down my throat, as if I was Princess Fiona waiting for Shrek's biggest excitement, only to gag myself in a non-pleasant way.
No bananas?
An excess of pineapple?
What was going on?
I found myself absolutely discombobulated and walked in circles for many hours before returning to my bathroom in the dark with the lights off rocking backwards and forwards in a bathtub filled with the remnants of my Kiwi, Apple and Lime smoothie. Was it the end of the world? Had someone re-written my taste buds? For an hour I was seriously concerned that it was a government plot by Gordon Brown to brainwash the population into thinking he actually had an ounce of charisma.
I finally came out of my catatonic heaven only to see the carton I was cradling. It had a label on I'd not noticed in my haste to guzzle it like a naughty schoolgirl - "New and banana free".
"What! What! What!"
After much investigation, hiring CERN to perform some experiments using the currently defunct hadron collider and a selection of ominous medical instruments I found it to be true. There were, indeed, no bananas in the smoothie... instead someone had added a pineapple and a dash of spinach and some nettle extrtact.
"Nettle extract? Are they mad?" I thought to myself. "Why would someone wish to feed me nettles or spinach rather than the phallic wonder that is the banana? Oh why!"
I've been searching for an explanation to this question, but still cannot find one. It's known fact that pineapples have been known to abuse animals within the home and spinach and nettle extract really don't belong in drinks. I have suspicions they don't even belong on this planet.
I'm now sat with a glass off off-bogie coloured green liquid, lacking any phallic content, with a much sharper taste than before that cannot be consumed en-masse. Please do something about the pineapple - it's pure evil. More limes, more bananas, hell - you could put some bacon in there... but right now I've had to go through a series of counselling sessions just to leave the bathroom. This e-mail is, infact, being written in my smoothie filled bathtub.
I, along with fellow lovers of the world's most phallic fruit, would request that you make the Kiwi, Apple and Lime recipe somewhat edible again. If not for me, and not for you - think of the children. Do you really want them growing up in a world where Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back video would have featured pineapoples instead of bananas? That would have simply made no sense and could have caused the spac time continuum to collapse upon itself.
I besiege thee... please help.
Yours Sincerely,
Guy Powell
Soothie and Phallic-Banana Loving Fan
Hello Guy,
There's no sugarcoating this Guy: you're funny. Funnier than a clown, possibly even funnier than Robin Williams in the early part of his career. That funny. And I can't tell you how nice it is to read a funny email once in a while. I dare say you've made my day in fact.
Complimenting aside though, we're pretty big on feedback here at fruit towers so I will definitely pass your thoughts on to the ladies in the products kitchen. We're rather fond of our new smoothie, and literally hundreds of people have got in touch with us to let us know how much they liked it. But we totally appreciate that taste is a very personal thing - I guess it's not always possible to please everyone.
The reason we got rid of the bananas is because there are loads of people out there who can't eat them, and a banana free recipe was the most requested smoothie idea we've had since we've been in business, so we thought it was about time we made one really. I'm just sorry this particular recipe was not your cup of tea/bottle of smoothie.
Again though, thanks for taking the time to write in.
Have a great week,
Joe
P.s. To reward the brilliance of your email, let me know your address and I'll stick a voucher in the post to you so that you can grab a non banana-free smoothie on us.