(no subject)
It really sucks getting dumped. It sucks even more when it's after 2 years 11 months. Nef decided today that she still loves me but can't see a relationship working. I felt something was wrong so asked her about it and she's then decided to leave me.
I feel perplexed and numb. Numb as the other half of who I am has just walked away and perplexed because of the reasons behind it. I can't help but feel one of the biggest reasons she left me is because of the amount of time I've been working when I've been in Soton... and she's now justified leaving me despite the fact I'm not sure if she wants to.
Then again that could be optimistic thinking or denial - common cases when someone has jsut been dumped. I know her well enough to know she's unhappy in the relationship but I'm just not convinced this is what she wants... but she is unhappy.
I've had not a great few months and things haven't been amazing. Maybe I have been deluding myself... but Ive genuinely believed that as long as we carried on and got throught eh woerk parts that we'd be strong enough to make it last.
I've never been this calm and numb at the end of a relationship. The fact I'm at my mum's at the moment also means I'm now having to surpress all of my feelings and keep them completely hidden. Not perfect consdiering the situation. I'd also love to get hammered or smoke my brains out. Both options that are again, not an option. So that leaves me with sitting here and just thinking about it all.
Nef's been through so much with me - through everything that happened in 2004-2006, my bankruptcy, my FYP, everything I've worked out. We had so much still to do, so many places still to go, so many dreams unfulfilled and I can't help but thinking had I been on £40K for the last 3 months that none of this would have happened... and if that's the case then us splitting up is for the wrong reasons as my lack of money and, most importnatly, time are only for the short term.
She says she hopes we'll grow to look back on this day. I guarnatee I won't.
There has not been a singel relationship where I didn't teach myself to fall out of love with the person I was with - but some of them, like this one, have ended when they didn't feel ready and I'll always wonder what if. All those thoughts about our future together, children, marriage... all gone and no longer an option.
I'll have plenty of time for work but that's just not important... I'll just spend the extra time sat thinking about what I've lost, about the hugs I got, about how she made me feel, about that first tnight in London where she held my hand so tight and I never wanted her to let it go. Ever since that night I haven't wanted her to let go of my hand. And she hasn't. Until now.
It just feels like this isn't what she wanted and she's done it for a reason I don't qutie get. The worst thing is I think it could be that she genuinely is sure on this decision... although the equall worst thought is that she infact doesn't want to be doing this at all and the decision was only rushed because I questioned her about her mood. If that's the case it bears striking resemblence to what happened last summer, but the other way around where we took a break for a couple of weeks, but that was an awful mistake.
I can't help but feel she's picked up on some of the bad things I've said - that sometimes she hasn't been there to support me, she doesn't always feel like my time is valued when I give it her and that I will alwyas haev work to do... but I think she's forgotten that she's been there to support me more than anone else, that the hugs she gives me and smile on her face when I am with her have made every day I've ever spent with her and that however much work I have to do, it'll always be her that's on my mind.
Sigh.
As it stands I just feel horrid. This doesn't feel right. I've considered leaving Nef on and off when we've had problems for the last couple of years but every time I've come to the conclusion that I love Nef. I remember Michelle telling me,l ong before I realised myself, how smitten I was with Nef... at the time I didn't really feel anything of significance for her. Years later she became my life and, as usual, I'm left with nothing but memories and all of my stuff in storage at their house.
No last time of sex within a week either, the last few kisses she gave me were those of someone she was about to leave, not her partner, and I'll never receive a hug in the way that she gave me before again. It won't be the same without that meaning there.
I felt married to Nef, not legally but in every way. It just stinks that it has toe nd this way... and she's genuninely saying she loves me at the same time. I quoted her years ago saying "Sometimes two people can love each other but no matter waht they can't always make it work" and Nef vehimently disagreed with me over it at the time. The great irony is that, as times gone on, my opinions have changed so that I couldn't imagine not wanting to work something out whilst she's come to the conclusion its the only way.
She's not happy at th emoment. Fair enough. The thing is WHY is she not unhappy. We're both fucking broke, working every hour under the sun and not living in ideal situations. You can't expect to be happy form that... so why couldn't we have just carried things on and seen how they were when things were sorted. I was looking forward to a holiday to clear my head but even more to coming back to England, getting wokr out the way with meeting I have the day I'm back then going down to Southampton, going to cdelebrate Room Thirteen's 4 year anniverasy and then a few days later heading down to celebrate mine and Nef's 3 year anniverasy along with Sigur Ros. A band we never saw together and will now have never seen whilst we were together.
I've had, in my life, 1 band that really meant everything to me that I've seen whilst I had a gf. That was A Perfect Circle with Brandi.... who just didn't get it and ruined the night for me. Now I don't get it with Nef. 3 years :(
So tempted to just vanish right now. Amsterdam is nice.
I really hope she hasn't just grabbed on and focussed on the few negative things as that would be such a waste of what we've ahd. There may have been rpoblems, but we had something special. There will never be another Nef.
I feel perplexed and numb. Numb as the other half of who I am has just walked away and perplexed because of the reasons behind it. I can't help but feel one of the biggest reasons she left me is because of the amount of time I've been working when I've been in Soton... and she's now justified leaving me despite the fact I'm not sure if she wants to.
Then again that could be optimistic thinking or denial - common cases when someone has jsut been dumped. I know her well enough to know she's unhappy in the relationship but I'm just not convinced this is what she wants... but she is unhappy.
I've had not a great few months and things haven't been amazing. Maybe I have been deluding myself... but Ive genuinely believed that as long as we carried on and got throught eh woerk parts that we'd be strong enough to make it last.
I've never been this calm and numb at the end of a relationship. The fact I'm at my mum's at the moment also means I'm now having to surpress all of my feelings and keep them completely hidden. Not perfect consdiering the situation. I'd also love to get hammered or smoke my brains out. Both options that are again, not an option. So that leaves me with sitting here and just thinking about it all.
Nef's been through so much with me - through everything that happened in 2004-2006, my bankruptcy, my FYP, everything I've worked out. We had so much still to do, so many places still to go, so many dreams unfulfilled and I can't help but thinking had I been on £40K for the last 3 months that none of this would have happened... and if that's the case then us splitting up is for the wrong reasons as my lack of money and, most importnatly, time are only for the short term.
She says she hopes we'll grow to look back on this day. I guarnatee I won't.
There has not been a singel relationship where I didn't teach myself to fall out of love with the person I was with - but some of them, like this one, have ended when they didn't feel ready and I'll always wonder what if. All those thoughts about our future together, children, marriage... all gone and no longer an option.
I'll have plenty of time for work but that's just not important... I'll just spend the extra time sat thinking about what I've lost, about the hugs I got, about how she made me feel, about that first tnight in London where she held my hand so tight and I never wanted her to let it go. Ever since that night I haven't wanted her to let go of my hand. And she hasn't. Until now.
It just feels like this isn't what she wanted and she's done it for a reason I don't qutie get. The worst thing is I think it could be that she genuinely is sure on this decision... although the equall worst thought is that she infact doesn't want to be doing this at all and the decision was only rushed because I questioned her about her mood. If that's the case it bears striking resemblence to what happened last summer, but the other way around where we took a break for a couple of weeks, but that was an awful mistake.
I can't help but feel she's picked up on some of the bad things I've said - that sometimes she hasn't been there to support me, she doesn't always feel like my time is valued when I give it her and that I will alwyas haev work to do... but I think she's forgotten that she's been there to support me more than anone else, that the hugs she gives me and smile on her face when I am with her have made every day I've ever spent with her and that however much work I have to do, it'll always be her that's on my mind.
Sigh.
As it stands I just feel horrid. This doesn't feel right. I've considered leaving Nef on and off when we've had problems for the last couple of years but every time I've come to the conclusion that I love Nef. I remember Michelle telling me,l ong before I realised myself, how smitten I was with Nef... at the time I didn't really feel anything of significance for her. Years later she became my life and, as usual, I'm left with nothing but memories and all of my stuff in storage at their house.
No last time of sex within a week either, the last few kisses she gave me were those of someone she was about to leave, not her partner, and I'll never receive a hug in the way that she gave me before again. It won't be the same without that meaning there.
I felt married to Nef, not legally but in every way. It just stinks that it has toe nd this way... and she's genuninely saying she loves me at the same time. I quoted her years ago saying "Sometimes two people can love each other but no matter waht they can't always make it work" and Nef vehimently disagreed with me over it at the time. The great irony is that, as times gone on, my opinions have changed so that I couldn't imagine not wanting to work something out whilst she's come to the conclusion its the only way.
She's not happy at th emoment. Fair enough. The thing is WHY is she not unhappy. We're both fucking broke, working every hour under the sun and not living in ideal situations. You can't expect to be happy form that... so why couldn't we have just carried things on and seen how they were when things were sorted. I was looking forward to a holiday to clear my head but even more to coming back to England, getting wokr out the way with meeting I have the day I'm back then going down to Southampton, going to cdelebrate Room Thirteen's 4 year anniverasy and then a few days later heading down to celebrate mine and Nef's 3 year anniverasy along with Sigur Ros. A band we never saw together and will now have never seen whilst we were together.
I've had, in my life, 1 band that really meant everything to me that I've seen whilst I had a gf. That was A Perfect Circle with Brandi.... who just didn't get it and ruined the night for me. Now I don't get it with Nef. 3 years :(
So tempted to just vanish right now. Amsterdam is nice.
I really hope she hasn't just grabbed on and focussed on the few negative things as that would be such a waste of what we've ahd. There may have been rpoblems, but we had something special. There will never be another Nef.