Venting a little...
So I have a few things that are bugging me and I just want to vent it out. Mayyyybe it will help me to feel better. Or maybe not.
Firstly right now I'm locked away alone because Lee and I were fighting. All I wanted was some support and he was sitting there.... falling asleep. It felt like he didn't care at all... I mean here I am crying my stupid hormonal eyes out and he's napping. Gah! SO frustrating. More than "napping" he was just on his side staring at me. Like what is that supposed to do? How is that helpful? Instead of hugging me or trying to make me feel better... just stared. So I am irritated and frustrated and feel all alone once again in my little venture. He has no clue what this is like for me and doesn't seem to even tryyyy to figure out how to make it better. The other day he did a very oddly wonderful thing. I had flowers delivered to my office from him and it was really really awesome and he'd never done that before so I was all happy. But then a day like today comes and he stares at me while I'm hurting and worried :0(
Speaking of worried-I am. Just out of nowhere these sudden times come over me when I feel like I am just going to fail at all of this. I feel so frustrated. I feel like something will go wrong or I don't even know. I think about the RH- thing which a few have told me no worries and thats nice and all but they all talk about the shots you have to get anytime you even slightly bleed and blah blah blah I'm simplifying this but I hate shots and needles more particularly and I dunno just ahhhhh right now.
I am sick of what feels like bad friends. Like I really don't mean to say it to sound the way it does but I don't feel like trying to find a sensitive way to write things right now. I'm sick of friends who say that they'll call me but don't. And the ones who say that they'll hang out and then don't. I am sick of getting random "cutesy" voicemails saying how much they were thinking of me and oh we have to hang out when it's the first time that I have heard from them in over 2 months... It's annoying to me. And SO fake feeling. I have tried and tried to keep in touch with a couple of them via phone, invites to things, being in town and able to stop by, e-mail, facebook, myspace, etc. Nothing works. I'm basically a piece of shit apparently and they only have time for me when they have nobody else around. Yet they always say how much they need a break and are too busy and don't ever plan anything... but if you tried to hang out with them they'd already have plans... and I know they're around because I see their tracks so to speak. It's not like they were in a different country without a phone or computer. And frankly these less than half assed friends I want nothing to do with them. If they don't have any time to be a real friend then fuck them is how I'm feeling after the last 3 years or so of data to go by. Screw them. I don't want them to have anything to do with my kid when it's here. I can see that they'll just happen to show up to visit the baby and to get pictures with it and to pretend they give a shit and make themselves look better for a day and then I'll hear from them.... well god knows when. Why should I bother waste my time? It's SO fake to just get together every few months and pretend that we're all the same people that we were once apon a time. Just feels so pointless to me.
I have lifelong friends. A few of them. 3 so far that I can think of: Caitlin, Marlaina, Trish.
I dunno.
I don't feel like writing anymore I guess.
Firstly right now I'm locked away alone because Lee and I were fighting. All I wanted was some support and he was sitting there.... falling asleep. It felt like he didn't care at all... I mean here I am crying my stupid hormonal eyes out and he's napping. Gah! SO frustrating. More than "napping" he was just on his side staring at me. Like what is that supposed to do? How is that helpful? Instead of hugging me or trying to make me feel better... just stared. So I am irritated and frustrated and feel all alone once again in my little venture. He has no clue what this is like for me and doesn't seem to even tryyyy to figure out how to make it better. The other day he did a very oddly wonderful thing. I had flowers delivered to my office from him and it was really really awesome and he'd never done that before so I was all happy. But then a day like today comes and he stares at me while I'm hurting and worried :0(
Speaking of worried-I am. Just out of nowhere these sudden times come over me when I feel like I am just going to fail at all of this. I feel so frustrated. I feel like something will go wrong or I don't even know. I think about the RH- thing which a few have told me no worries and thats nice and all but they all talk about the shots you have to get anytime you even slightly bleed and blah blah blah I'm simplifying this but I hate shots and needles more particularly and I dunno just ahhhhh right now.
I am sick of what feels like bad friends. Like I really don't mean to say it to sound the way it does but I don't feel like trying to find a sensitive way to write things right now. I'm sick of friends who say that they'll call me but don't. And the ones who say that they'll hang out and then don't. I am sick of getting random "cutesy" voicemails saying how much they were thinking of me and oh we have to hang out when it's the first time that I have heard from them in over 2 months... It's annoying to me. And SO fake feeling. I have tried and tried to keep in touch with a couple of them via phone, invites to things, being in town and able to stop by, e-mail, facebook, myspace, etc. Nothing works. I'm basically a piece of shit apparently and they only have time for me when they have nobody else around. Yet they always say how much they need a break and are too busy and don't ever plan anything... but if you tried to hang out with them they'd already have plans... and I know they're around because I see their tracks so to speak. It's not like they were in a different country without a phone or computer. And frankly these less than half assed friends I want nothing to do with them. If they don't have any time to be a real friend then fuck them is how I'm feeling after the last 3 years or so of data to go by. Screw them. I don't want them to have anything to do with my kid when it's here. I can see that they'll just happen to show up to visit the baby and to get pictures with it and to pretend they give a shit and make themselves look better for a day and then I'll hear from them.... well god knows when. Why should I bother waste my time? It's SO fake to just get together every few months and pretend that we're all the same people that we were once apon a time. Just feels so pointless to me.
I have lifelong friends. A few of them. 3 so far that I can think of: Caitlin, Marlaina, Trish.
I dunno.
I don't feel like writing anymore I guess.