Spring 2007

[guylian]

When I forget to take my antidepressants for a few days, I start having longer, albeit bad, dreams again. In today's example, I dreamt I got so drunk at a party of my own that I forgot everything that had happened, and the next day I went around asking the guests what the hell went on. Quite impressively, I'd blacked out within 40 minutes of

Comments

[satyapriya]

If you don't mind me asking, how was your depression diagnosed? I've had 2 doctor-types ask me recently if I thought I was depressed(trouble sleeping, lethargy). I don't percieve I am, any more than my usual winter blues. Did you know you were depressed? Curious.

[guylian]

I've always known there was something wrong, from a very young age. When I was 13, and really fucking up at school, feeling sick and tired and refusing to go, my mum took me to have a blood test 'to see if I was anaemic'. I wasn't, so therefore 'nothing was wrong' with me. 'Depression' wasn't a word used to describe a kid's health until I was no longer a kid. Between 19-21 I was looking for work/getting stuck on Centerlink programs, and everyone told me I was 'down' because of that, but it would disappear once I found a job.
(cont. next post...)

[guylian]

I started getting what (the best way I could describe them at the time) as 'stress headaches', and saw a useless, just-out-of-med-school doctor who made light of my situation and told me to smile more and 'take a holiday somewhere' - and me on a Centerlink pension.

At 21, I applied for and got into RMIT's screenwriting program, and had the best six months of my life doing that and working on RMITV programs, overdoing the hell out of myself and getting out of that to 'slow down' before I fell over. I was okay though mentally, although I started drinking after classes rather than go home - my parents were really fighting then. I'd met Darren by this stage, and he'd become a great comfort to me.
(cont next post...)

[guylian]

During a practice pitch to a small group in a class when I was 23-24? I broke into tears, not because of the (barely there) helpful criticism, but because of the focus on me - dad had walked out on us (again) a few night's previous and I felt rather raw. My class teacher took me aside and suggested I see one of the free RMIT councellors, but one session of that was enough. I knew why I felt like I did, I knew why I was drinking so much (I realised I could hang out at the pub with L/L and bitters instead and kill the same time) and I knew what would fix it - moving out. Councellor looked at me like 'so why the fuck are you here?' and she was so busy with other people I felt guilty about wasting her time (I'm still crap with councellors for the same reasons

[guylian]

I had a awful reaction to the stuff and took it back to her the day after - if the cure was worse than the symptoms, forget it! I had six month's more classes before Centerlink could get me, I said I'd wait and see. Five months later, I began feeling like I did on Work for the dole and knew it would get worse, so I went back and got on the Aropax. Smaller dose, less reaction, and a shitload of 'not allowed to work' forms to shove at Centerlink every two weeks.

Looking back, I've realised certain things; events and points of time that can now be categorised as 'depressive episodes' or what-have-you, medical jargon. Panic attacks first when I was a child, for example, back when such things were never considered to be a symptom of anything medical. It's far easier to pinpoint these things in hindsight.

Not sure if any of this helps, and sorry it's so long. It's been a very long time since I wrote out/spoke about the whole timeline.