Pas si simple.
Today was kind of a shitty day. Last night I spent most of my time whining to Raya, emptily and blankly telling her that I feel like nobody wants to be my friend. Telling her that her friends make me feel so self-conscious, and how I feel like an idiot after I say anything. I feel alright around Emily and Emma, but that's it. I feel like the rest of her friends think I'm weird and obnoxious and smell bad, etcetera. They seem judgemental, which is in essence judging them. But I still feel that way.
Like at lunch, when Charlotte and I jokingly creep on Raya--because we both think she's pretty much the coolest friend either of us have--her friends show hints of annoyance and distaste when they find us staring at her with outrageous faces. I feel like they're a lot cooler than I am. Not more popular exactly. Well, maybe. It's strange, because Raya isn't. Wow that sounds awful. I mean like, I don't know. Not a tool. Not saying her friends are tools. Wow what am I saying?
I don't feel like she really wants to be around me. I feel like she's embarrassed when I talk to her around her friends. I try to be myself around anyone, but that leaves me looking like a fool. But then again, she is very hard to read. She's the most mysterious person I know. I don't know what's going on. I'll talk to her about this tomorrow.
My novel isn't going all too well. I've lost the swing of it, which really kills me. I don't know where to start back up again. I have the whole story in my head and want to tell the world, but it just isn't coming out. Okay, maybe not the world. But my friends. Not people I don't know. Well, maybe. Because why should I care if they judge my book by its cover?
I need to chill out on the judgement paranoia.
EDIT: A long and emotional talk with Raya about some things I feel revealed that Kelly--Raya's friend who absolutely hates Charlotte and me--told her I'm nice on Friday! We talked a lot about my feelings on another topic. Jesus H., I really need to figure myself out. It's consuming me.
I need to sculpt myself into who I am going to be for the rest of my life. Especially now. And I can't do that while I'm trying to help someone else do the same thing.
Like at lunch, when Charlotte and I jokingly creep on Raya--because we both think she's pretty much the coolest friend either of us have--her friends show hints of annoyance and distaste when they find us staring at her with outrageous faces. I feel like they're a lot cooler than I am. Not more popular exactly. Well, maybe. It's strange, because Raya isn't. Wow that sounds awful. I mean like, I don't know. Not a tool. Not saying her friends are tools. Wow what am I saying?
I don't feel like she really wants to be around me. I feel like she's embarrassed when I talk to her around her friends. I try to be myself around anyone, but that leaves me looking like a fool. But then again, she is very hard to read. She's the most mysterious person I know. I don't know what's going on. I'll talk to her about this tomorrow.
My novel isn't going all too well. I've lost the swing of it, which really kills me. I don't know where to start back up again. I have the whole story in my head and want to tell the world, but it just isn't coming out. Okay, maybe not the world. But my friends. Not people I don't know. Well, maybe. Because why should I care if they judge my book by its cover?
I need to chill out on the judgement paranoia.
EDIT: A long and emotional talk with Raya about some things I feel revealed that Kelly--Raya's friend who absolutely hates Charlotte and me--told her I'm nice on Friday! We talked a lot about my feelings on another topic. Jesus H., I really need to figure myself out. It's consuming me.
I need to sculpt myself into who I am going to be for the rest of my life. Especially now. And I can't do that while I'm trying to help someone else do the same thing.