I DONT KNOW ANYMORE
im just not sure about what i want in life anymore. i look at people now and think what the fuck? i desperately want to be thin again. ive started exsersising, but i just feel like im getting fatter. me and mike havent had sex in more than two weeks, by my choice. its not that the sex is bad, its always great, i just dont have a sexual urge these days. i want to like bash people's head's in all the time. i mean when im with my girls, like is ok, but that's because we're drinking, washing out the pain. i want to be with mike, but i feel like we're drifting apart. and i feel like it's my fault. but i cant help it. ive been thinking of giving up everything and devoting myself to my beautiful daughter elle. but i dont think i could handle her 24/7. im still a child myself. i miss how life used to be so care free, without depression lurking around me all the time. and i feel like a usless tit, not knowing what's wrong with me. well i do, but i dont know how to fix it. i want mike to be happy, but all i seem to do is make him feel like shit, much like i do to myself.of course i seem happy on the outside, but im screaming on the inside.....
and the fact that patrick is coming back soon is fucking me up. im so terrified to see him. just because we havent seen eachother in over a year. everyone thinks that him coming back will jeopordize me and mike, but it wont. i just dont even know what it's going to be like to see him again.....will it be weird? will we not know what to say? or will it be like nothing happened? i think we're mature enough to handle everything that's happened. im with mike now, im happy to have him. he treats me so damn well. i dont know, everyone says they understand, but they dont. does anybody know? no i dont think so.
as i walk down the street, memories flood me, emotions, everything just doesnt make sense anymore. i wish it was like when i was young, i had all the answers and didnt feel emotions. should i just close myself off from the world, and put that brick wall infront of me? i think id feel better to not give a fuck. live life day by day and not care what will happen tomorrow......
and the fact that patrick is coming back soon is fucking me up. im so terrified to see him. just because we havent seen eachother in over a year. everyone thinks that him coming back will jeopordize me and mike, but it wont. i just dont even know what it's going to be like to see him again.....will it be weird? will we not know what to say? or will it be like nothing happened? i think we're mature enough to handle everything that's happened. im with mike now, im happy to have him. he treats me so damn well. i dont know, everyone says they understand, but they dont. does anybody know? no i dont think so.
as i walk down the street, memories flood me, emotions, everything just doesnt make sense anymore. i wish it was like when i was young, i had all the answers and didnt feel emotions. should i just close myself off from the world, and put that brick wall infront of me? i think id feel better to not give a fuck. live life day by day and not care what will happen tomorrow......