(no subject)
well tonight has sucked and i feel horrible.my mother can never be wrong.or not that shed ever admit to.i fucked up and she wouldnt leave me alone about it...i finally got her to stop and me and denise were watching a movie...i felt so much better cause i talked it all out and was enjoying the movie and my mother comes back AGAIN and gets me riled up so i start raising my voice and she treats me like im crazy and takes my friend to go talk shit about me basically.its not enough that i have no friends...i have one and she takes her.so now im up here by myself angry again.i always have to get my mom fucking pills i steal from my grandfather...the pills...and always get her some....so many i cant count...my thyroid gland was swelling up yesterday and making me about cry with pain my mother went to the doctor and got pills...but lied to me and said she didnt...and its not that she dfidnt want to share...just not with me...she gave denise a bunch.and they both just lied to me...after i hooked denise up multiple times as well and i had to get find out they were lying and not talk to either of them for hours while my neck ached before they gave me one...and just now they go and do more.she just replaces me with my friends and its bullshit.no one understands this thyroid thing is driving me nuts and making me sick and making my muscles swell up all the time...swelling up my neck,plus i have no friends here...no one.from the lifestyle i came from that and no shows....nothing i dont have my girlfriend.its hard for me.but no one see's that.and it really sucks.no one gets it that im not happy.i dont know....i just hate being lied to and replaced im a horrible person.on another side i love you jenna.so much.i really think ive fallen hard.i must have to feel this lonely without you id really like to packup and just go.i really want to.but last night you had an excuse to get off the phone with me...and now i know i wont talk to you all weekend.i understand you go out and have fun and all and i think im lienient about you hanging out with other guys all the time who like you and drinking.but at least tell me when your not gonna be around...so i dont call 2-3 times and look like an idiot.just tell me your not gonna be around.it worries me when you go off for the weekends cause if anything ever happend id never know.im just paranoid and i worry.i just dont want to be fucked over again.i think im just in a bad mood so dont let me seem like im being an asshole im not.its just hard,i get jealous....cause i cant hang out with you and everyone else can.i miss you so much and i guess its just difficult.but nights like tonight make me want to blow my brains out,first entry in a while...and it sucks.i miss you jenna please dont ever wrong me...i love you too much now to lose you weve gotten so close ill try to continue to do everything possible for you.just dont do me wrong.please.night.