(no subject)
I was a bit inebriated during my last posting (two glasses of wine, go figure), so it's a tad all over the place.
Basically, after my last AZ trip to visit with Adam, things went from bad to worse in the following two weeks. Eventually, I gave in to my feelings, and explained to him over the phone just how much his behaviour towards me was destructive to not only our "friendship", but to me as a human being. He'd wanted to remain friends after the break up but he was treating me like anything but. He apologized profusely, and was genuine in his realizations. Due to personal occurences, he made a nine hour drive the following week, last month, for the weekend. I planned on sharing a side of myself that he'd never seen in the two years of our being together... (I was going through so much, drug addictions, self esteem issues, trust issues, etc.), and decided to be the confident, happy person I know that lives strong within me. After just an hour of his arrival to our suite I'd booked, we hit the pool and had the time of our life. Laughing, playing, he even taugh me to swim! Though I doubt I can get very far at this point :) After our night dip, he insisted he take me to a special dinner, but I assured him this wasnt neccesary. Mind you, the last we'd seen eachother, he was hesitant to have any physical contact with me at all, let alone a simple kiss (which I understand, but took very hard). At the airport that day, he even went as far as begging me to let him go, move on, "get over" him...
...and so with the rekindled friendship and his compliments, I was finding myself both confused and elated, but thought not to get ahead of myself. On the way to dinner, he told me repeatedly just how beautiful I looked, (and after the lengthy emotional conversation just the night before over the phone, he said he loved me, and couldn't wait to kiss me). Again, I stuck to my plan on being Ms. Independent, minus the mind games, or the hard-to-get 'tude. I think this drove him a tad crazy, since he grew more aggressive with his flattery. Eventually, he was asking if it were okay he hold me, touch me, etc. Once we returned to the room, we made love, (this is getting personal, I know, but I also acknowledge this is MY journal). It seemed to happen without either one of us knowing really what was going on, and mid way through we realized what was taking place, and neither one of us asked for it to end. The whole weekend was wonderful, trips to the dog park, our favourite private beach on base, time in the sauna, etc.
He returned just recently again, this time we spent the weekend at the beach house in Pismo. Surfing, long walks, dinners, it was great.
Though when he returned home, I confessed my growing feelings towards him, and he found himself to be in the same position as before.
Frustrating? Yes. Hurt? Yes. He'll always hold such a very special place in my heart, but I know we need this time to grow into ourselves, outside of eachother. I talk to him daily, and love him still. He loves me. I find we're more compatible now more than ever, but getting him to acknowlede that is a different story all together.
He'll be walking the pacific crest trail in 3 weeks time, and I will be dropping him off at the starting point after spending 4 days with him. I can't wait to see him, but after the blossoming attraction I have towards him now, I don't know if he'll feel it healthy to be intimate with me again. Only time will tell, and I know in my heart that if you believe strongly enough in something or someone...
...it'll work to your benefit.
Peace<3
Basically, after my last AZ trip to visit with Adam, things went from bad to worse in the following two weeks. Eventually, I gave in to my feelings, and explained to him over the phone just how much his behaviour towards me was destructive to not only our "friendship", but to me as a human being. He'd wanted to remain friends after the break up but he was treating me like anything but. He apologized profusely, and was genuine in his realizations. Due to personal occurences, he made a nine hour drive the following week, last month, for the weekend. I planned on sharing a side of myself that he'd never seen in the two years of our being together... (I was going through so much, drug addictions, self esteem issues, trust issues, etc.), and decided to be the confident, happy person I know that lives strong within me. After just an hour of his arrival to our suite I'd booked, we hit the pool and had the time of our life. Laughing, playing, he even taugh me to swim! Though I doubt I can get very far at this point :) After our night dip, he insisted he take me to a special dinner, but I assured him this wasnt neccesary. Mind you, the last we'd seen eachother, he was hesitant to have any physical contact with me at all, let alone a simple kiss (which I understand, but took very hard). At the airport that day, he even went as far as begging me to let him go, move on, "get over" him...
...and so with the rekindled friendship and his compliments, I was finding myself both confused and elated, but thought not to get ahead of myself. On the way to dinner, he told me repeatedly just how beautiful I looked, (and after the lengthy emotional conversation just the night before over the phone, he said he loved me, and couldn't wait to kiss me). Again, I stuck to my plan on being Ms. Independent, minus the mind games, or the hard-to-get 'tude. I think this drove him a tad crazy, since he grew more aggressive with his flattery. Eventually, he was asking if it were okay he hold me, touch me, etc. Once we returned to the room, we made love, (this is getting personal, I know, but I also acknowledge this is MY journal). It seemed to happen without either one of us knowing really what was going on, and mid way through we realized what was taking place, and neither one of us asked for it to end. The whole weekend was wonderful, trips to the dog park, our favourite private beach on base, time in the sauna, etc.
He returned just recently again, this time we spent the weekend at the beach house in Pismo. Surfing, long walks, dinners, it was great.
Though when he returned home, I confessed my growing feelings towards him, and he found himself to be in the same position as before.
Frustrating? Yes. Hurt? Yes. He'll always hold such a very special place in my heart, but I know we need this time to grow into ourselves, outside of eachother. I talk to him daily, and love him still. He loves me. I find we're more compatible now more than ever, but getting him to acknowlede that is a different story all together.
He'll be walking the pacific crest trail in 3 weeks time, and I will be dropping him off at the starting point after spending 4 days with him. I can't wait to see him, but after the blossoming attraction I have towards him now, I don't know if he'll feel it healthy to be intimate with me again. Only time will tell, and I know in my heart that if you believe strongly enough in something or someone...
...it'll work to your benefit.
Peace<3