roach farm
I've been having to be at work at 7am for the past three mornings. It's quite lame, though there are a few good things about it. Mainly, by the time the store opens, my shift is 25% done, which, I'm not going to lie, is pretty sweet. Also, I get out at 4pm, which means that I have time to do stuff. Unfortunately, "stuff" usually means "ill-advised nap."
Today, however, I didn't nap. Instead, I took out the trash and played video games. Naturally. But it was like 6 bags of trash, because I live in squalor. Oh, and the roaches.
So I have 4 of the garbage bags in my hand, and I'm trying to somehow get the last two from the floor to my hands with out dropping everything. Suddenly, a roach the size of a small dog comes darting out from nowhere. I handle the situation well. Well in the sense that I don't squeal like a little girl. I do, however, drop my garbage bags and jump about 4 feet in the air.
And the roach; oh the roach. He was huge and ancient, because its antennae were longer than its body. Actually, I have no idea whether or not antennae length has any correlation to roach-age. Not important. What is important: HUGE FUCKING ROACH. Who is now hiding among the trash. Many a roach I have slain, but it's still not something I really look forward to. I tentatively shuffle the garage around, trying to scare the roach out into open ground. Eventually, several tense seconds later, he scurries right at me, no doubt trying to eat my heart so he can gain my power. That's probably why his antennae were so fucking long - he eats human flesh. Regardless, the little fucker didn't get the chance. I dodged out of the way, and used my deadly Earthquake Stomp attack and flipped him on his back. Then I administered a fatal coup de grace and the mother fucker's head juice was drying on the bottom of my shoe.
Roach dispatched, I went to finish my chore. Lo, to my surprise, another roach popped out, for some goddamn reason. I mean, what the fuck, did I miss the memo? Are roaches pack hunters now? Because that's terrifying. But, it was sort of like that thing in video games, you know, the boss of level one is jumping red monster, and he totally kicks the shit out of my, and you're all like, bullshit, boss of level one, but you don't use a continue, because it's only level one and that's like way to early to start wasting continues, so you just play the level over again, and you kick the shit out of jumping red monster, and you're like, fuck you, cock-sucker, you go on your way and all's well and good, and you get to level five, which for some reason is filled with jumping blue monster, who looks suspiciously similar to jumping red monster ie boss of level one, but you know his games so he's just like a normal enemy except he has way more life, and then by level 10 or whatever he's pretty much the only goddamn enemy you're fighting, except for flying green monster, which is just a palate-swap of flying, purple monster boss of level three. Just like that. Long story short, second roach had one weakness: circle strafe, so he didn't get very far.
Moral of the story: fuck you, roaches. I hate roaches, because you can never really tell when they're dead. Which is terrifying, because for some reason my kitchen is the sacred roach burial ground, so dead roaches turn up every few days. A few days ago there was this really big dead roach in front of my refrigerator. And he was there for, oh, I dunno, like four days. On his back. In the same position. Eventually I'm sick of looking at him (and kind of afraid that I'll accidentally step on him barefoot), so I decide to sweep him under the refrigerator, which is like roach-Hades. Anyway, so I start sweeping him and then the little mother fucker's legs start twitching wildly and he's trying to get on his front side, presumably so he can escape and drink my essence in my sleep. I mean, what the fuck, he'd been dead for like a week. How do you stay perfectly still for that long and then all of a sudden decide, "Hm, yeah, still alive, fucker." Bullshit. Fuck roaches. Like that one king roach who's head I destroyed, he'll probably be gone tomorrow, out crawling around somewhere, until he dies for real, of starvation, because the fucker doesn't have a fucking head. And then he'll probably come back from the dead as a roach-mummy or some fucking thing. Let me reiterate: fuck roaches.
Also, I don't like bugs that have faces. Like spiders. Spider faces are what nightmares are made of. Speaking of nightmares, I had either a zombie dream or a hobo dream last night. Either way, I woke up scared.
Today, however, I didn't nap. Instead, I took out the trash and played video games. Naturally. But it was like 6 bags of trash, because I live in squalor. Oh, and the roaches.
So I have 4 of the garbage bags in my hand, and I'm trying to somehow get the last two from the floor to my hands with out dropping everything. Suddenly, a roach the size of a small dog comes darting out from nowhere. I handle the situation well. Well in the sense that I don't squeal like a little girl. I do, however, drop my garbage bags and jump about 4 feet in the air.
And the roach; oh the roach. He was huge and ancient, because its antennae were longer than its body. Actually, I have no idea whether or not antennae length has any correlation to roach-age. Not important. What is important: HUGE FUCKING ROACH. Who is now hiding among the trash. Many a roach I have slain, but it's still not something I really look forward to. I tentatively shuffle the garage around, trying to scare the roach out into open ground. Eventually, several tense seconds later, he scurries right at me, no doubt trying to eat my heart so he can gain my power. That's probably why his antennae were so fucking long - he eats human flesh. Regardless, the little fucker didn't get the chance. I dodged out of the way, and used my deadly Earthquake Stomp attack and flipped him on his back. Then I administered a fatal coup de grace and the mother fucker's head juice was drying on the bottom of my shoe.
Roach dispatched, I went to finish my chore. Lo, to my surprise, another roach popped out, for some goddamn reason. I mean, what the fuck, did I miss the memo? Are roaches pack hunters now? Because that's terrifying. But, it was sort of like that thing in video games, you know, the boss of level one is jumping red monster, and he totally kicks the shit out of my, and you're all like, bullshit, boss of level one, but you don't use a continue, because it's only level one and that's like way to early to start wasting continues, so you just play the level over again, and you kick the shit out of jumping red monster, and you're like, fuck you, cock-sucker, you go on your way and all's well and good, and you get to level five, which for some reason is filled with jumping blue monster, who looks suspiciously similar to jumping red monster ie boss of level one, but you know his games so he's just like a normal enemy except he has way more life, and then by level 10 or whatever he's pretty much the only goddamn enemy you're fighting, except for flying green monster, which is just a palate-swap of flying, purple monster boss of level three. Just like that. Long story short, second roach had one weakness: circle strafe, so he didn't get very far.
Moral of the story: fuck you, roaches. I hate roaches, because you can never really tell when they're dead. Which is terrifying, because for some reason my kitchen is the sacred roach burial ground, so dead roaches turn up every few days. A few days ago there was this really big dead roach in front of my refrigerator. And he was there for, oh, I dunno, like four days. On his back. In the same position. Eventually I'm sick of looking at him (and kind of afraid that I'll accidentally step on him barefoot), so I decide to sweep him under the refrigerator, which is like roach-Hades. Anyway, so I start sweeping him and then the little mother fucker's legs start twitching wildly and he's trying to get on his front side, presumably so he can escape and drink my essence in my sleep. I mean, what the fuck, he'd been dead for like a week. How do you stay perfectly still for that long and then all of a sudden decide, "Hm, yeah, still alive, fucker." Bullshit. Fuck roaches. Like that one king roach who's head I destroyed, he'll probably be gone tomorrow, out crawling around somewhere, until he dies for real, of starvation, because the fucker doesn't have a fucking head. And then he'll probably come back from the dead as a roach-mummy or some fucking thing. Let me reiterate: fuck roaches.
Also, I don't like bugs that have faces. Like spiders. Spider faces are what nightmares are made of. Speaking of nightmares, I had either a zombie dream or a hobo dream last night. Either way, I woke up scared.