(no subject)
I suppose that there are some things in life that I am just not going to get over, at least not for a long time. Like once, when I was little, my mom made some comment-and maybe I completely took it the wrong way, or remember it wrong, but this is how it stuck-about how I was fat, or going to get fat, or something. Aand I think that that causes a whole, whole lot of my self esteem issues.
But the biggest thing, is that I don't believe that I am ever going to stop being bitter towards Thomas. It doesn't matter how happy I am with Jake, and how ending it with Thomas is the best thing I've ever done, and that if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have moved down here and met Jake- I'm always going to feel a pull on my heart, a hurt from Thomas. I could go on and on about this new girl and how she's not really new, and how I can't stand this other girl, because she is what embodies the reason that we ended (and even if it was for the better- it still hurts, you know? Four years), and how fucked up I am from the sort of manipulation that Thomas pulled on me, but I won't. It's made me cry a lot the past week, which has been even more irritating to me, because it's not like I want him back. I don't. I am completely gaga over Jake, and I don't know if I jump ahead of myself, but whereas with Thomas, I was never entirely sure, but tried to convince myself because he was the big first, with Jake... all I can think about is how I'd be happy, so much more than happy to wake up to him every day. To come home to him. Lindsey thinks I get way into relationships, and maybe I do but... Jake makes me happy. Makes me feel secure and safe. Loves in a way that means taking the selfishness out of it. So, while I keep stupidly getting upset over Thomas (and really, it hasn't been *that* long. Someone told me it takes half of as long as you were with someone to get over them. Maybe in another year and a half, I'll stop being bitter), Jake is here to pick me up, put me back together right. I love, trust, want, need, believe in, adore Jake.
But the biggest thing, is that I don't believe that I am ever going to stop being bitter towards Thomas. It doesn't matter how happy I am with Jake, and how ending it with Thomas is the best thing I've ever done, and that if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have moved down here and met Jake- I'm always going to feel a pull on my heart, a hurt from Thomas. I could go on and on about this new girl and how she's not really new, and how I can't stand this other girl, because she is what embodies the reason that we ended (and even if it was for the better- it still hurts, you know? Four years), and how fucked up I am from the sort of manipulation that Thomas pulled on me, but I won't. It's made me cry a lot the past week, which has been even more irritating to me, because it's not like I want him back. I don't. I am completely gaga over Jake, and I don't know if I jump ahead of myself, but whereas with Thomas, I was never entirely sure, but tried to convince myself because he was the big first, with Jake... all I can think about is how I'd be happy, so much more than happy to wake up to him every day. To come home to him. Lindsey thinks I get way into relationships, and maybe I do but... Jake makes me happy. Makes me feel secure and safe. Loves in a way that means taking the selfishness out of it. So, while I keep stupidly getting upset over Thomas (and really, it hasn't been *that* long. Someone told me it takes half of as long as you were with someone to get over them. Maybe in another year and a half, I'll stop being bitter), Jake is here to pick me up, put me back together right. I love, trust, want, need, believe in, adore Jake.