(no subject)
It’s been a few days since the event that sparked it, and so it is perfect timing for her to bring it up. And so she does. They had a screaming match when I was half way up the stairs, so I know it’s nothing to do with me, but it still hurts. No matter what is done it’s not right. This is the story of growing up in this house. Nothing will ever be right.
Realised while trying to sleep this morning that I have become a drone. Everything that I did before, that I used to identify myself with has gone. Simply vanished and I can’t believe how empty it feels. This morning I thought, “This is what anti-depressants feel like.” And this is how it feels to be on anti-depressants - you stop being the person you thought you were, or imagined you were, and become a vacant body, a crust.
You go to your sapping job, you come home, you go to sleep, you wake up, you go to your sapping job, you come home, you go to sleep, you…get the drift.
There is the possibility of a new job, a contract for three months, no guarantee that it could last longer. I’m not sure if it will actually give me more money than what I get now, but it is only a few days a week and it pays about $8 more an hour over all, which makes up the money lost from the shorter hours. I’m guessing. I’m not even sure that it will mean I’ll have more time, I’m just guessing.
This is poor. It’s vacuous and boring. I’ve become. I have drifted away. From everything.
It’s difficult to sleep at night now. I hear everything - every single thing. Every movement of the floorboards, the bugs that creep around, the footsteps upstairs, the back of the fridge. Everything. It keeps me awake.
I've lost all my colours.
Realised while trying to sleep this morning that I have become a drone. Everything that I did before, that I used to identify myself with has gone. Simply vanished and I can’t believe how empty it feels. This morning I thought, “This is what anti-depressants feel like.” And this is how it feels to be on anti-depressants - you stop being the person you thought you were, or imagined you were, and become a vacant body, a crust.
You go to your sapping job, you come home, you go to sleep, you wake up, you go to your sapping job, you come home, you go to sleep, you…get the drift.
There is the possibility of a new job, a contract for three months, no guarantee that it could last longer. I’m not sure if it will actually give me more money than what I get now, but it is only a few days a week and it pays about $8 more an hour over all, which makes up the money lost from the shorter hours. I’m guessing. I’m not even sure that it will mean I’ll have more time, I’m just guessing.
This is poor. It’s vacuous and boring. I’ve become. I have drifted away. From everything.
It’s difficult to sleep at night now. I hear everything - every single thing. Every movement of the floorboards, the bugs that creep around, the footsteps upstairs, the back of the fridge. Everything. It keeps me awake.
I've lost all my colours.