"dont you wish it'd go on forever and never stop"
late night entry. talked to travor. other one wont answer. jennis not home. nikoles crying. time to write poetry...though im sure it wont be as beautiful as my stylings the other night..i'll give it a shot anyway.
the beat's in my ears
vibration, the pounding the hum
im looking for the laughing
but i cant seem to find some-
my hearts in my pocket and my pockets are empty.
still i think the colors are real...
theyre not-but i'll let you touch me
for that seems the way
grown ups play
i hate today where i feel blue-
theres a color
kiss it
gently
miss it
never.
no not for you.
seeing collective you through eyes
of another
i understand. how uncanny
to be bought and sold
lost and cajoled-like petals
fallen, lost from the stem...
unaware of fates future
untold of dissapoint-
ment still soft as ever
unknowing, unseen.
that all sucks-but i dont even have the strength to delete it. my creativity has slackened-as has my will. i dont care about love anymore-i just want affirmation-that i have a place, someplace, where im wanted. ive never wanted to fit in, ive never cared if others approved---and though i realize im not ordinary--i want to be wanted. even in a small way. love is out of reach. a hopeless cause in my eyes. i'd rather wander the earth as a tramp till im dead, than be half of an unhappy pair...at least i thought-am i so sure now? am i sure of anything? least of all myself...the girl im never sure of anymore. i want that confident glint i used to own and wear, better than even my smile.
i look for that everyday. but everyday i feel dead. virginia once told me, when i was at her apartment working on 'i will be loved...' that 'in times like this we grow more than we ever could at our best'. she also said 'artimitateslifeimitatesart...'--so naturally since my art is suffering, i am too-or vice versa. i feel like a match-so quickly burnt out...like those moments on 6fu when david screams and then everything returns to normal. im sure i have avenues for love...but most disgust me--why am i disgusted by others attraction to me? the only ones i want dont care for me...i hate being in control. i hate deciding who i want and then having them by the end of the night. why doesnt anyone want to control me? i want someone to take initiative, and say "look, im gonna love you, for tonight or as long as you want, i dont care what you say-im here and you cant make me leave". no one will ever do that to me. im too strong willed-my aura gives off conflicting vibes of my real self...who im still becoming. seems like me and travor are going through alot of the same-trying to find ourselves through all the promiscuity, work, art, and city life...its good to know im not the only one struggling through this violent thrust into adult life. i saw my picture on marthas website today--i think ive gotten to a point in my physical disdain, where i cant feel anymore hate, cuz as i looked at it, all i thought was, yeah thats me. no like , dislike--just numbness--yeah like everything else.
im barely moved by the beauty of a city i used to adore-it still burns fast, and exciting--but i hide from it...when i venture into its flame i seem to feel inadaquate. its beat far surpassing my own. its my pseudo home. thats all. its broken me, grown me, and embittered me to the mass in the past few months--i know im not alone...the reason new yorkers love this city is because it kicked their asses at one time or another, but it was still here when they came out on top. so im just waiting for that. when its all mine, and i say "ive conquered it". thats why i'll wake up tommorrow.
and thats all i have to say tonight.
the beat's in my ears
vibration, the pounding the hum
im looking for the laughing
but i cant seem to find some-
my hearts in my pocket and my pockets are empty.
still i think the colors are real...
theyre not-but i'll let you touch me
for that seems the way
grown ups play
i hate today where i feel blue-
theres a color
kiss it
gently
miss it
never.
no not for you.
seeing collective you through eyes
of another
i understand. how uncanny
to be bought and sold
lost and cajoled-like petals
fallen, lost from the stem...
unaware of fates future
untold of dissapoint-
ment still soft as ever
unknowing, unseen.
that all sucks-but i dont even have the strength to delete it. my creativity has slackened-as has my will. i dont care about love anymore-i just want affirmation-that i have a place, someplace, where im wanted. ive never wanted to fit in, ive never cared if others approved---and though i realize im not ordinary--i want to be wanted. even in a small way. love is out of reach. a hopeless cause in my eyes. i'd rather wander the earth as a tramp till im dead, than be half of an unhappy pair...at least i thought-am i so sure now? am i sure of anything? least of all myself...the girl im never sure of anymore. i want that confident glint i used to own and wear, better than even my smile.
i look for that everyday. but everyday i feel dead. virginia once told me, when i was at her apartment working on 'i will be loved...' that 'in times like this we grow more than we ever could at our best'. she also said 'artimitateslifeimitatesart...'--so naturally since my art is suffering, i am too-or vice versa. i feel like a match-so quickly burnt out...like those moments on 6fu when david screams and then everything returns to normal. im sure i have avenues for love...but most disgust me--why am i disgusted by others attraction to me? the only ones i want dont care for me...i hate being in control. i hate deciding who i want and then having them by the end of the night. why doesnt anyone want to control me? i want someone to take initiative, and say "look, im gonna love you, for tonight or as long as you want, i dont care what you say-im here and you cant make me leave". no one will ever do that to me. im too strong willed-my aura gives off conflicting vibes of my real self...who im still becoming. seems like me and travor are going through alot of the same-trying to find ourselves through all the promiscuity, work, art, and city life...its good to know im not the only one struggling through this violent thrust into adult life. i saw my picture on marthas website today--i think ive gotten to a point in my physical disdain, where i cant feel anymore hate, cuz as i looked at it, all i thought was, yeah thats me. no like , dislike--just numbness--yeah like everything else.
im barely moved by the beauty of a city i used to adore-it still burns fast, and exciting--but i hide from it...when i venture into its flame i seem to feel inadaquate. its beat far surpassing my own. its my pseudo home. thats all. its broken me, grown me, and embittered me to the mass in the past few months--i know im not alone...the reason new yorkers love this city is because it kicked their asses at one time or another, but it was still here when they came out on top. so im just waiting for that. when its all mine, and i say "ive conquered it". thats why i'll wake up tommorrow.
and thats all i have to say tonight.