"im not the girl you put your faith in-just someone who looks like me"
last night i made a very stupid choice. i paid for it then, and im paying for it now. it hurts so bad when you fuck up a choice youre proud of-maybe thats it. good news: best friend jenni duke is now on lj. bad news: after reading one of her entries i now feel almost even worse about that stupid phone call. when i think about jenni so upset about something that ultimately im responsible for, and i cant even use will power...i feel like such a weak person and a lame friend. school has been hard this week. still countin the days. i emailed mom my essay-i wanted her to see a little of how i feel. so now why am i avoiding her calls? maybe it was a little too much for her to see of me--as always i hide from any form of vulnerability. it seems like jenni constantly boosts my spirits now matter what her life is like---i miss her so much today. ive stopped even hoping for me and kenin to surface. he treats me like a pal when we run into each other. im easy. but i dont feel easy. i feel honest. not like the hundreds of shallow girls who tease and play hard to get-i used to think that was a good quality. now i feel a bit whorish. i feel constantly discontent, constantly on the verge of something huge. i dont feel crazy as much. but im singed by lonliness, wanting to see be with my best friend, and something else-an emptiness i dont know how to fill. i keep attributing my problems to being here, when so much of my life is there. because even when circumstances were hard last summer-i almost didnt even notice-life was still great, because we were inseperable. maybe thats all thats missing.