Continuation of the AU of the AU (for werewolf_hacker)

[guriel]

He really did intend to take care of Ben himself. Ben is all he's got left in the world, the least Guriel can do is make sure he makes it through the horrible process of withdrawal. He should be able to deal with this; compared to months and months of senseless slaughter and hopeless searching, this should be easy

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[werewolf_hacker]

[Ben has compromised as far as the shackles go. The broken link has been repaired with a carabiner, so it can be fastened and unfastened at will. Right now, it's fastened, and Ben's stuffed in a corner with his knees up, cradling his hands protectively against his chest.

Detoxing suuuuuucks.] Please. Please, just a little... [He doesn't even realize he's saying it. His teeth are chattering, he's sweating, and his eyes are squeezed shut while he shivers.]

[guriel]

[There are moments, hours, days, when all Guriel wants to do is jam his hands over his ears and drown out those words. He doesn't, because he deserves the shot of pure, agonized horror they give him every time Ben says them. He deserves to hate himself for not being able to do what Ben wants and needs him to do. He just hunches into himself, reaching out but not touching his Packmate.]

I can't, I can't, I promised . . .

[werewolf_hacker]

Please, please, it hurts, Guriel, it hurts, I can't do this again, please, why are you making me... [Later, he will be horrified at himself. Right now, his world is hypersensitive, sickening agony. He catches at Guriel's hand and squeezes tight; if his Packmate was human he'd be crushing his bones.]

...I'm so cold.

[guriel]

[Guriel whimpers like a lost kitten and wraps himself around Ben, folding his wings around his shoulders as if that can drive away the cold. As if anything could.] I can't, I can't, I promised, Zev made me promise, I'm sorry, I'msorryI'msorry . . .

[And deep down in his heart where he will do his damnedest to hide it, he follows that with Please, please don't leave me I'm sorry I'll be good don't leave me please . . .]

[werewolf_hacker]

Zev's not here, he checked out, he's hiding in his cave, and it's just me and it hurts, Guriel, God it hurts... [He's limp against Guriel, still shivering, the cold has gotten right down into his bones and he doesn't think he'll ever be warm again.] Please just a little, you don't even have to inject it, I'll just rub it on my gums, please...

[He's broadcasting down the link to every member of his Pack in the house, although not on purpose. Probably bludgeoning Zethel and Rachmiel and Tziporel with his agony. He can't help it...]

[ingilead]

[Guriel shudders, and his resolve crumbles, he knows he promised he knows he can't break a promise not again but Ben's hurt, Ben's hurt and needs him, and that was a promise, too . . .

"Okay. Okay, I'll . . . I'll fix it, I'll get some, just . . ."]

You will do no. Such. Thing. Guriel.

[Zethel's tone, her expression, are both uncharacteristically severe, and she strides across the room and catches Guriel's wrist in a firm grip even as she reaches out to rest a hand on Ben's hair and pour out Healing.]

You can't help him by giving in, Guriel.

[werewolf_hacker]

[Ben flinches away from her, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut.] Don't, don't touch me, it's not my turn, please, please stop hurting me, I can't do this again... [Pure animal misery and fear permeates his entire being, and he's not even sure where he is anymore.

All he knows is that he can smell Guriel, here and solid beside him. Guriel is his refuge. Guriel will protect him...]

[guriel]

[Guriel makes a broken sound, shrinking away from his sister as well even if he doesn't realize it. He's reading an awful lot into her words and her tone, condemnation and disappointment and disgust that aren't there except in his self-loathing imagination.

Zethel is a Healer, Zethel can help Ben, that's why they're here. Part of Guriel wants nothing more than to grovel at his sister's feet, beg pardon, beg for love and forgiveness and tenderness he doesn't deserve anymore. But he's not here for himself. He's here for Ben, who he cradles as gently as possible, brushing his wing against Ben's arm.]

It's okay, she's not going to hurt you, she'll fix it, she'll make the pain better, trust me, trust her, please . . .

[werewolf_hacker]

Too bright, she's too bright, she's gonna take me into the light and they'll start on me again, please, please don't let them, just more painkiller, it hurts, Guriel, why are you letting them hurt me, you promised... [He lapses into an incoherent babble and buries his face in Guriel's chest. His breath hitches in his chest as tears run unheeded down his face.]

Please.

[guriel]

[Guriel whimpers and curls himself around Ben, tightening his wings, blocking as much light as he can with his feathers and his arms, and he turns desperate, frightened, little-kid eyes to Zethel, aching and scared and sorry down to his bones.]

Please, Sister.

[Please, I'll be good, please don't take him away, please help him please don't let him leave me please I'm sorry I'm sorry . . .

Zethel's heart breaks, and her expression gentles as she lays a hand not on Ben but on Guriel's wing, sending the Grace flowing through that way instead, using her little brother as a conductor.

If some of the Healing and Grace and Love rub off on their way to Ben, so much the better.]

[werewolf_hacker]

[Ben moans down low in his throat, but it's relief, not distress, this time. The pain fades, somewhat, and the nausea reduces.] Thank you... [He swallows hard.] Dunno how much more of this I can take.

[guriel]

[Guriel doesn't say anything, just buries his face in Ben's shoulder so he won't have to bear his sister's gaze. His fault, his fault, his fault, and he feels like the weight of the whole safehouse is bearing down on him, all these brothers and sisters he failed and abandoned and hurt, all these promises he broke, and he's torn between that and the desperate, empty longing for the love and comfort this place used to provide him and the awful, awful fear he has for Ben.]

[nobilitysbadge]

[Rachmiel creeps down the stairs and pokes his head in the room. He can feel both Guri's and Ben's distress, and, as much as he feels unwelcome, he can't stay away. He pours Mercy down the Pack link, his own version of healing and all he has to help.

He hopes it does.]

[guriel]

[And Guriel feels that, he does, and he makes a hurt, broken noise and shifts a wing to hide his head, shaking. Not worthy, not worthy, all my fault I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'msorrysosorry . . .

He wants to hold his arms out to his brother, to Zethel, to tell them how sorry he is for all of it. He wants to be held and comforted and forgiven, he does, but that black, awful cloud of your fault not worthy liar traitor murderer promise-breaker keeps him huddled here, hiding his face from them, aching and ashamed.]

[nobilitysbadge]

[Rachmiel's heart cracks (cracks more), and he comes in and kneels beside his big brother, on the side opposite Zethel. He strokes his hand down the other wing, imparting Mercy and Forgiveness and Love, to both his Packmates.] Shh, Guri. We have him back now. It'll be okay. It will.

[guriel]

[Guriel makes a hurt-child noise, holding onto Ben convulsively as if he's trying to reassure himself Ben's still there. He sounds miserable, sick and sad and ashamed.]

Not okay.