Skipping, Battlemechs and the Nature and Importance of Luck as a Universal Force- Part I
This is a story told in two parts.
The date is March 31, 2005. The time is 9:05 AM. I am in the Box with Curt and Andrea, a closet with three un-networked PCs equipped with the latest in music editing software. The period before, I had spoken to Josh, who said that it was time for him to go home. I was intrigued.
I made the desicion rather hastily and without a great deal of forethought that I would be leaving school on that day. Little did I know that this descision would lead to my near demise, twice, trigger a series of events that inspired in me a revelation regarding luck and how it effects us, and general discomfort all around.
Five minutes before the period ended, I walked out of the Box, ready to make my trek to the Leary house. I made a quick right turn and walked out the Band Wing doors, into the Parking Lot. The guards posed little problem. I threw a noisemaker about fifteen feet behind them, and while they went to investigate I slipped quietly past, a few brown leaves and roses petals trailing behind me. Like a ninja. An AWESOME NINJA.
The idea of walking down the main road did not seem particularly desirable to me, and so I slipped into the woodland paths directly adjacent to the school. Just when I thought I was home free, Bob and Harry burst from the bushes. Normally, this would not have concerned me. Using hand to hand I could have both disabled them in seconds and make them forget the incident had ever happened.
What concerned me was that Bob and Harry were in ten foot tall, fully armed, top of the line Class IV Battlemechs.
Bob's machine appeared to be smaller and faster than Harry's. Apparently, Bob had sarcificed armor plating for manuverability. In the right hand of his mech was a comically oversized machine pistol that had a very large bandolier attached to the side. The entire left arm of the power armor was a wickedly curving scythe, arcing over 3 feet and crackling with electricity.
On the other hand, it was obvious that Harry favored sheer power. The meaty right arm of his mech opened up into a gun barrel roughly the size of a hollowed out nitrogen tank. I recognized this as a very rare and powerful gauss cannon available only through black market channels. His left arm can be described only as a hyrdaulic club.
There was a moment of nervous tension as we stood there, sizing each other up, and then Bob and Harry sprang into action Bob leapt forward, brandishing his scythe-arm wildly, and I heard the high-pitched whirr of Harry's gauss cannon charging. I needed to act fast. I nimbly ducked Bob's first swipe and performed a half-twist jumping roll to the side. Bob's mech continued running for a few steps and skidded to a stop, desperately pulling all its weight around to face me. I landed in a running crouch and seamlessly led into an upwards trot up the trunk of a tree. Using a branch as a springboard, I did a straight body backflip and landed directly on the shoulders of Bob's mech.
I knew that there was a regulator cable embedded directly in the back lining of the head piece in this this model of Battlemech. However, the safety measures on it are very sensitive, and I could see a warbling distortion gathering at the front of Harry's gauss cannon barrel. Throwning caution to the wind, I simply yanked the cable out and jumped, completing a full 360 degree frontflip over the top of Harry's mech. Harry's reaction time was not fast enough, and his gauss cannon round went off, reducing the molecules in the top half of Bob's mech, and in Bob, to thier constituent parts.
A major drawback of the mechanics of weapons like these is the need for an exhaust release port on the back of the mech, that opens for a window of roughly two seconds after discharging a round. If I could clog this exhaust port, the resulting reaction would superheat the cockpit and melt Harry in his seat. Time slowed down as I surveyed my surroudings, searching desperatley for something to clog this exhaust port. It became apparent to me very quickly thereafter what I had to do.
I used my penis.
Following the horrifying scream that emanated soon thereafter from the cockpit, I removed my member and broke into a dead sprint, knowing that more would be coming and doubting that I had it in me to take down a flying armored warship with my bare hands.
Holy christ I am such a dork.
Part twos a comin.
The date is March 31, 2005. The time is 9:05 AM. I am in the Box with Curt and Andrea, a closet with three un-networked PCs equipped with the latest in music editing software. The period before, I had spoken to Josh, who said that it was time for him to go home. I was intrigued.
I made the desicion rather hastily and without a great deal of forethought that I would be leaving school on that day. Little did I know that this descision would lead to my near demise, twice, trigger a series of events that inspired in me a revelation regarding luck and how it effects us, and general discomfort all around.
Five minutes before the period ended, I walked out of the Box, ready to make my trek to the Leary house. I made a quick right turn and walked out the Band Wing doors, into the Parking Lot. The guards posed little problem. I threw a noisemaker about fifteen feet behind them, and while they went to investigate I slipped quietly past, a few brown leaves and roses petals trailing behind me. Like a ninja. An AWESOME NINJA.
The idea of walking down the main road did not seem particularly desirable to me, and so I slipped into the woodland paths directly adjacent to the school. Just when I thought I was home free, Bob and Harry burst from the bushes. Normally, this would not have concerned me. Using hand to hand I could have both disabled them in seconds and make them forget the incident had ever happened.
What concerned me was that Bob and Harry were in ten foot tall, fully armed, top of the line Class IV Battlemechs.
Bob's machine appeared to be smaller and faster than Harry's. Apparently, Bob had sarcificed armor plating for manuverability. In the right hand of his mech was a comically oversized machine pistol that had a very large bandolier attached to the side. The entire left arm of the power armor was a wickedly curving scythe, arcing over 3 feet and crackling with electricity.
On the other hand, it was obvious that Harry favored sheer power. The meaty right arm of his mech opened up into a gun barrel roughly the size of a hollowed out nitrogen tank. I recognized this as a very rare and powerful gauss cannon available only through black market channels. His left arm can be described only as a hyrdaulic club.
There was a moment of nervous tension as we stood there, sizing each other up, and then Bob and Harry sprang into action Bob leapt forward, brandishing his scythe-arm wildly, and I heard the high-pitched whirr of Harry's gauss cannon charging. I needed to act fast. I nimbly ducked Bob's first swipe and performed a half-twist jumping roll to the side. Bob's mech continued running for a few steps and skidded to a stop, desperately pulling all its weight around to face me. I landed in a running crouch and seamlessly led into an upwards trot up the trunk of a tree. Using a branch as a springboard, I did a straight body backflip and landed directly on the shoulders of Bob's mech.
I knew that there was a regulator cable embedded directly in the back lining of the head piece in this this model of Battlemech. However, the safety measures on it are very sensitive, and I could see a warbling distortion gathering at the front of Harry's gauss cannon barrel. Throwning caution to the wind, I simply yanked the cable out and jumped, completing a full 360 degree frontflip over the top of Harry's mech. Harry's reaction time was not fast enough, and his gauss cannon round went off, reducing the molecules in the top half of Bob's mech, and in Bob, to thier constituent parts.
A major drawback of the mechanics of weapons like these is the need for an exhaust release port on the back of the mech, that opens for a window of roughly two seconds after discharging a round. If I could clog this exhaust port, the resulting reaction would superheat the cockpit and melt Harry in his seat. Time slowed down as I surveyed my surroudings, searching desperatley for something to clog this exhaust port. It became apparent to me very quickly thereafter what I had to do.
I used my penis.
Following the horrifying scream that emanated soon thereafter from the cockpit, I removed my member and broke into a dead sprint, knowing that more would be coming and doubting that I had it in me to take down a flying armored warship with my bare hands.
Holy christ I am such a dork.
Part twos a comin.