can LJ ads rub it in any more?
No, LJ, I don't want to go to Gatlinburg again. Beautiful place, mind you, I just don't want to go back anytime soon. Stop with the ads, please...
Life sucks.
This isn't a new concept. At some point in our lives we have that moment where we get knocked upside the head with the fact that Life doesn't always go our way. Most of the time that happens that one Christmas where you didn't get Malibu Barbie. After all I've been through, I still kept that idea that yes, Life does suck, but there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel. Just close your eyes tight enough and your trip through Life's tunnel of ""I suck" will be over, as long as you just keep believing, there's a light at the end of that tunnel. However, some passengers didn't read the directions correctly when getting on the ride and tend to make failures that they don't know if they can fix, and then somehow while trying to fix the first mistake they cause the entire ride to stop, broken, and there they sit, covered in oil and bruises at their failed attempt to get the ride going again.
Jonathan and I are over for the time being. I say time being because I don't want to loose him. We had issues, yes, and I made them worse by trying to fix them. And I explained something wrong and he took it the wrong way and now I'm sitting here in the remains of the ride wondering how on Earth I can fix this. The only problem I saw with us was communication. And this post is public, and a link to it will be sent to him, so I can once again try to explain. Because who really wants to be stuck in the dark waiting around to find the next foothold. Yes, I had a problem with the fact that I wouldn't hear from him for days. I didn't like the fact that he said he was out of town, but never mentioned it it me. I also know that I over react, tend to be dramatic, and get frustrated with impatient and confusion. When it was us, in person, everything was good. Amazing. But it was when we weren't in person that things went wrong, on both counts. Maybe I expect too much- I can't tell an answer because I don't know it. What I do know is that this man is amazing, I love him, and I don't know if this is the one I'm suppose to let go or fight for. I want to fight. It could be good. It could be better than any of my dreams combined. Just work out the few kinks and I could remember why loving someone was completely worth every ounce of pain that happened, due to either external or internal events. My heart use to be dust. And by some sort of miracle Jonathan was putting it back together. And stupid, silly me pushed too hard on my slowly rebuilding heart and it broke some more. I make mistakes. I'm human. I wake up each morning and remind myself that not all people are horrible, that people do care, and on mornings when it's bad I sit there and name names, so I know the world is full of people who care in some way. Also, returning to the repairing a ride idea, my toolbox isn't as full as others. My dad is refusing to co-sign another loan, which means I won't be returning to college until I get disability. I still don't have a court date for that, and that could take a while. If I got a job to occupy my time, there goes my case. The school thing happened the same time as the above paragraph, so my mind wasn't thinking things through. This isn't an excuse, it's just what I was going through. I don't explain things well. And when I'm hurt I strike out, because I hate being that vulnerable, to have someone have that kind of power of me. This then goes onto the track of trust. In about a month and a half I lost the majority of my closest friends, who hurt me and didn't care. Of course I'm going to have trust issues. But the important thing is that I'm working on them, just like that car on that track.
I want him in my life. Not just as a friend. I want what started us except deeper and more..... well, more. But some people aren't willing to work things out, or give a young woman named Laura a second chance because of a misunderstanding, being hurt, and let her show this person the amazing woman I can be.
I can not express how sorry I am that I hurt his feelings. There is nothing on this planet that I can do to take it back or make up for it. What I do know is that I want to work past it, and leave it behind like that nasty pothole you have to swerve around to not bust your tire.
Life sucks.
This isn't a new concept. At some point in our lives we have that moment where we get knocked upside the head with the fact that Life doesn't always go our way. Most of the time that happens that one Christmas where you didn't get Malibu Barbie. After all I've been through, I still kept that idea that yes, Life does suck, but there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel. Just close your eyes tight enough and your trip through Life's tunnel of ""I suck" will be over, as long as you just keep believing, there's a light at the end of that tunnel. However, some passengers didn't read the directions correctly when getting on the ride and tend to make failures that they don't know if they can fix, and then somehow while trying to fix the first mistake they cause the entire ride to stop, broken, and there they sit, covered in oil and bruises at their failed attempt to get the ride going again.
Jonathan and I are over for the time being. I say time being because I don't want to loose him. We had issues, yes, and I made them worse by trying to fix them. And I explained something wrong and he took it the wrong way and now I'm sitting here in the remains of the ride wondering how on Earth I can fix this. The only problem I saw with us was communication. And this post is public, and a link to it will be sent to him, so I can once again try to explain. Because who really wants to be stuck in the dark waiting around to find the next foothold. Yes, I had a problem with the fact that I wouldn't hear from him for days. I didn't like the fact that he said he was out of town, but never mentioned it it me. I also know that I over react, tend to be dramatic, and get frustrated with impatient and confusion. When it was us, in person, everything was good. Amazing. But it was when we weren't in person that things went wrong, on both counts. Maybe I expect too much- I can't tell an answer because I don't know it. What I do know is that this man is amazing, I love him, and I don't know if this is the one I'm suppose to let go or fight for. I want to fight. It could be good. It could be better than any of my dreams combined. Just work out the few kinks and I could remember why loving someone was completely worth every ounce of pain that happened, due to either external or internal events. My heart use to be dust. And by some sort of miracle Jonathan was putting it back together. And stupid, silly me pushed too hard on my slowly rebuilding heart and it broke some more. I make mistakes. I'm human. I wake up each morning and remind myself that not all people are horrible, that people do care, and on mornings when it's bad I sit there and name names, so I know the world is full of people who care in some way. Also, returning to the repairing a ride idea, my toolbox isn't as full as others. My dad is refusing to co-sign another loan, which means I won't be returning to college until I get disability. I still don't have a court date for that, and that could take a while. If I got a job to occupy my time, there goes my case. The school thing happened the same time as the above paragraph, so my mind wasn't thinking things through. This isn't an excuse, it's just what I was going through. I don't explain things well. And when I'm hurt I strike out, because I hate being that vulnerable, to have someone have that kind of power of me. This then goes onto the track of trust. In about a month and a half I lost the majority of my closest friends, who hurt me and didn't care. Of course I'm going to have trust issues. But the important thing is that I'm working on them, just like that car on that track.
I want him in my life. Not just as a friend. I want what started us except deeper and more..... well, more. But some people aren't willing to work things out, or give a young woman named Laura a second chance because of a misunderstanding, being hurt, and let her show this person the amazing woman I can be.
I can not express how sorry I am that I hurt his feelings. There is nothing on this planet that I can do to take it back or make up for it. What I do know is that I want to work past it, and leave it behind like that nasty pothole you have to swerve around to not bust your tire.