I'm So Over School. But Now What Do I Start?
I could talk about not being on here regularly lately, but meh.
Today was my LAST EXAM OF SPRING 2006.
And I actually didn't study much for it. I didn't have enough time to read through my notes a full time and it showed because I couldn't have answered the last two essay questions because I had no idea what they were about. Luckily we only have to pick 10 out of 12. Giant windfall there.
I met up with Jordan last night to study. We were at her house. Then we went to campus to photocopy my notes and just read through them together. Along the way we ran into two broken photocopiers in EMS, a strange little girl that was all alone and woudln't stop staring at us, and after the notes we photocopied our hands, my show, and almost my ass. Um... aside from that-- dotdotdot...
I was reading through my notes and narrating them to her with more explanation and stuff. It's actually really helpful for us because its like I get to find out how much I really know and my mini lectures I give on topics are like practice run for answering essay questions. And she hasn't been to class since the last test so any information for her is good information. lol.
But about a third of the way through i was getting heavy eyelidded and at one point I actually paused because my eyes closed and I suddenly had no idea what I was about to say. I spoke out some gibberish. And she was like, it's ok if we need to stop because you should just go to bed. I agreed. Walking outside improved cuz of fresh air, but it was creepy weird because I've never been so tired that information just deleted itself from my mind. I had gotten 1.5 and 2.5 hours of sleep in the past two nights respectively so I needed to crash.
Back at Dan's I was with Jeremy and Dan in the living room fading in and out and then I was like sleep needs to happen now. It was only 11ish so by the time I woke up for real at 7 it was 8 hours. Sadly that left me with not enough time to get through my notes. Exam at 7:30. Read. Listerined. Trotted over. Pre-showed with Jordan and took test. Probably got a B. Whatever. Fuck that shit.
Back at Dan's I finished my Pizza Shuttle leftovers and watched End of Evangelion, which I borrowed from my classmate Mike on Tuesday. Then rewatched the commentary, or half of it anyway.
That movie is just so... wow. The movie has a totally different tone from the show because it's pure philosophy and tragedy and just everything. No humour and not much action like the show. Of course, by that point, there is no more false pretense about what genre the show is. It started of differently because they wanted it to seem like just a high quality giant robot show and then it slowly degraded into the complex thing that it is. Which I love.
Though it is food for thought.
Is love really just something we need to feel from other people because we need selfish validation of our existance? We matter to other poeple, yes. And vice versa. But we all know that the people we 'like' like are the ones who get the most of our thoughts and actions. Whether they respond to them in the way we want them to or not. And we try and try but can't help it.
It seems like life is a constant search for a balance and for someone else who cares about us as much as we care about them. That's what relationships and love are. And do those relationships always last?
I've said a lot recently that in my circle of friends we've never 100% lost someone. Sure, I don't talk to Squeedge or Rachel or Greg or people like that very often, but that doesn't mean I don't care about them as people anymore.
Now that Amber is back the only person we've lost is Katie. It's hard to believe, she and I used to get along in high school. Then not really. Then it was an apathetic medium. But she changed. And she went down hard. And now... will she ever come back into our lives again? Will people who have mattered a fair amount to me in the past ever play big roles again? Ben being the classic example.
Ben used to be this thin guy who wore a ridiculous necklace that sat around with me in the video room at Wisco. And we'd talk about nothing really. Sometimes I'd ask him to talk about his friends and stuff. Because I wanted to know more about him. Sometimes as he was editing video and I was sitting back watching him or doing homework I would just think about how much I'd like to wrap my arms around him and squeeze him really tight. Feel his warmth. You know, chick stuff.
But what did I really know about him? Not much. He wasn't a close friend. So it felt odd liking him. As it does with many people I've had things for. I don't know them. What business do I have liking them? Pretending that anything is ever going to matter. That I'm ever going to matter to them.
Now Ben is my best friend. He was gone from my life for a year and a half and then out of nowhere he's here again.
Nate will always be my oldest and closest friend in that way that only Nate, and childhood best friends in general, can be. But right now Ben is pretty much at the center of my social circle.
And it used to be he was Ben and I didn't have Nate conversations with him. Or interact with him in Nate ways. But now we do. That past two weeks Ben and I have spent a lot of time talking about his feelings and my feelings and all that shit that mady my relationships with Nate so heavy and interesting but complicated in a really straightforward way kind of way. You know. That. And I brought that up to him last night. And he agreed. I used to look at Ben as not being able to fill Nate's shoes. I've spent my whole life living under the impression that I could never replace Nate even though I knew it would have to happen eventually. I just never knew it would happen without drastic change to the rest of my life.
I never used to respect Ben as much as I did Nate because I wasn't sure he was capable. He doesn't wear his analytical nature on his sleeve like Nate does. OR at least like Nate did when he was with me.
Ben frustrates me a lot because he seems so passive about some of his issues, and like... well, I'm not going to get into it because it's personal. I mean, everyone knows it, but that doesn't mean it's my business to talk about it.
A big part of what spurred this is that Casey and I had a conversation yesterday morning as I was cutting down a project. And we only talked about Ben and his personality and all those things. And it was interesting to hear another person's input on the matter. It seemed fresh and well informed and observant and I give her a lot of credit for that conversation just taking place at all. I just do.
So now it's summer and things will have to settle into summer mode. How are interactions going to go? I've been deeper than ever in homework this semester, and the past three weeks in general I've just been totally gone on a grand scale. But the world hasn't stopped spinning.
Allie has a boyfriend. Wow. She hasn't had one of those in the entire time that her and mine's friendship has been in it's upper level state (halfway thru senior year).
Nate has a boyfriend. Outside from a 15 minute convo on Tuesday night I haven't really "been" with Nate in weeks.
I haven't seen Bryn in weeks. And I want to. And I want her and like Allie and Ben and I to be together and doing whatever.
I want Bryn and Allie and I to make more shirts.
I want to make sure I see Table people.
I want to catch up on LJ.
I need to catch up on DVR.
And buy two months worth of comic books I have on hold at F-5.
And make 16 Facebook photoalbums.
And be a MySpace whore.
And do some more art on my laptop.
And just whatever. School can't hurt me for three months now. So it's time to get down to business.
Oh, and that cunt who owns the house we wanted, who has cancelled on us three times, said she found other tenants to live there. Well thanks for returning my call when you knew you fucking bitch. Make me call you all week only to finally ditch us.
Cunt cunt cunt.
Now we need to redouble our efforts.
Now... I need to go shower and get ready for work. Sigh.
Ok.
Sounds good.
There will be time to lay around next week.
So I walked over to Michael's to drop off the Evangelion. He was at work doing a delivery of bread or something so we discussed the movie on the phone. There are so many tangents i coudl go on because of that movie. Like death. But I won't even go there. Not today.
Left it with his roomate. Read Wizard on the bus. Nodded off a bit. Talked to a guy at the bus stop for about 15 minutes about comic books.
This one's for the fans.
Today was my LAST EXAM OF SPRING 2006.
And I actually didn't study much for it. I didn't have enough time to read through my notes a full time and it showed because I couldn't have answered the last two essay questions because I had no idea what they were about. Luckily we only have to pick 10 out of 12. Giant windfall there.
I met up with Jordan last night to study. We were at her house. Then we went to campus to photocopy my notes and just read through them together. Along the way we ran into two broken photocopiers in EMS, a strange little girl that was all alone and woudln't stop staring at us, and after the notes we photocopied our hands, my show, and almost my ass. Um... aside from that-- dotdotdot...
I was reading through my notes and narrating them to her with more explanation and stuff. It's actually really helpful for us because its like I get to find out how much I really know and my mini lectures I give on topics are like practice run for answering essay questions. And she hasn't been to class since the last test so any information for her is good information. lol.
But about a third of the way through i was getting heavy eyelidded and at one point I actually paused because my eyes closed and I suddenly had no idea what I was about to say. I spoke out some gibberish. And she was like, it's ok if we need to stop because you should just go to bed. I agreed. Walking outside improved cuz of fresh air, but it was creepy weird because I've never been so tired that information just deleted itself from my mind. I had gotten 1.5 and 2.5 hours of sleep in the past two nights respectively so I needed to crash.
Back at Dan's I was with Jeremy and Dan in the living room fading in and out and then I was like sleep needs to happen now. It was only 11ish so by the time I woke up for real at 7 it was 8 hours. Sadly that left me with not enough time to get through my notes. Exam at 7:30. Read. Listerined. Trotted over. Pre-showed with Jordan and took test. Probably got a B. Whatever. Fuck that shit.
Back at Dan's I finished my Pizza Shuttle leftovers and watched End of Evangelion, which I borrowed from my classmate Mike on Tuesday. Then rewatched the commentary, or half of it anyway.
That movie is just so... wow. The movie has a totally different tone from the show because it's pure philosophy and tragedy and just everything. No humour and not much action like the show. Of course, by that point, there is no more false pretense about what genre the show is. It started of differently because they wanted it to seem like just a high quality giant robot show and then it slowly degraded into the complex thing that it is. Which I love.
Though it is food for thought.
Is love really just something we need to feel from other people because we need selfish validation of our existance? We matter to other poeple, yes. And vice versa. But we all know that the people we 'like' like are the ones who get the most of our thoughts and actions. Whether they respond to them in the way we want them to or not. And we try and try but can't help it.
It seems like life is a constant search for a balance and for someone else who cares about us as much as we care about them. That's what relationships and love are. And do those relationships always last?
I've said a lot recently that in my circle of friends we've never 100% lost someone. Sure, I don't talk to Squeedge or Rachel or Greg or people like that very often, but that doesn't mean I don't care about them as people anymore.
Now that Amber is back the only person we've lost is Katie. It's hard to believe, she and I used to get along in high school. Then not really. Then it was an apathetic medium. But she changed. And she went down hard. And now... will she ever come back into our lives again? Will people who have mattered a fair amount to me in the past ever play big roles again? Ben being the classic example.
Ben used to be this thin guy who wore a ridiculous necklace that sat around with me in the video room at Wisco. And we'd talk about nothing really. Sometimes I'd ask him to talk about his friends and stuff. Because I wanted to know more about him. Sometimes as he was editing video and I was sitting back watching him or doing homework I would just think about how much I'd like to wrap my arms around him and squeeze him really tight. Feel his warmth. You know, chick stuff.
But what did I really know about him? Not much. He wasn't a close friend. So it felt odd liking him. As it does with many people I've had things for. I don't know them. What business do I have liking them? Pretending that anything is ever going to matter. That I'm ever going to matter to them.
Now Ben is my best friend. He was gone from my life for a year and a half and then out of nowhere he's here again.
Nate will always be my oldest and closest friend in that way that only Nate, and childhood best friends in general, can be. But right now Ben is pretty much at the center of my social circle.
And it used to be he was Ben and I didn't have Nate conversations with him. Or interact with him in Nate ways. But now we do. That past two weeks Ben and I have spent a lot of time talking about his feelings and my feelings and all that shit that mady my relationships with Nate so heavy and interesting but complicated in a really straightforward way kind of way. You know. That. And I brought that up to him last night. And he agreed. I used to look at Ben as not being able to fill Nate's shoes. I've spent my whole life living under the impression that I could never replace Nate even though I knew it would have to happen eventually. I just never knew it would happen without drastic change to the rest of my life.
I never used to respect Ben as much as I did Nate because I wasn't sure he was capable. He doesn't wear his analytical nature on his sleeve like Nate does. OR at least like Nate did when he was with me.
Ben frustrates me a lot because he seems so passive about some of his issues, and like... well, I'm not going to get into it because it's personal. I mean, everyone knows it, but that doesn't mean it's my business to talk about it.
A big part of what spurred this is that Casey and I had a conversation yesterday morning as I was cutting down a project. And we only talked about Ben and his personality and all those things. And it was interesting to hear another person's input on the matter. It seemed fresh and well informed and observant and I give her a lot of credit for that conversation just taking place at all. I just do.
So now it's summer and things will have to settle into summer mode. How are interactions going to go? I've been deeper than ever in homework this semester, and the past three weeks in general I've just been totally gone on a grand scale. But the world hasn't stopped spinning.
Allie has a boyfriend. Wow. She hasn't had one of those in the entire time that her and mine's friendship has been in it's upper level state (halfway thru senior year).
Nate has a boyfriend. Outside from a 15 minute convo on Tuesday night I haven't really "been" with Nate in weeks.
I haven't seen Bryn in weeks. And I want to. And I want her and like Allie and Ben and I to be together and doing whatever.
I want Bryn and Allie and I to make more shirts.
I want to make sure I see Table people.
I want to catch up on LJ.
I need to catch up on DVR.
And buy two months worth of comic books I have on hold at F-5.
And make 16 Facebook photoalbums.
And be a MySpace whore.
And do some more art on my laptop.
And just whatever. School can't hurt me for three months now. So it's time to get down to business.
Oh, and that cunt who owns the house we wanted, who has cancelled on us three times, said she found other tenants to live there. Well thanks for returning my call when you knew you fucking bitch. Make me call you all week only to finally ditch us.
Cunt cunt cunt.
Now we need to redouble our efforts.
Now... I need to go shower and get ready for work. Sigh.
Ok.
Sounds good.
There will be time to lay around next week.
So I walked over to Michael's to drop off the Evangelion. He was at work doing a delivery of bread or something so we discussed the movie on the phone. There are so many tangents i coudl go on because of that movie. Like death. But I won't even go there. Not today.
Left it with his roomate. Read Wizard on the bus. Nodded off a bit. Talked to a guy at the bus stop for about 15 minutes about comic books.
This one's for the fans.