everything
i should be sleeping, but im not... i got all my stereo stuff back today.. i should be happier now, but im not. for months now there has been a darkness swelling up inside me; festering, eating its way out. My anger, my temper, my control; im losing all of it agian. I have sunk so deep into depression that i have difficulty getting myself to get out of bed and go to clas in the morning. Partly embarrasment, partly depression, out of the 30 8am math classes so far (give or take) i have been to only 8. My teacher has no attendance policy however so i will not fail for that. The only reason i would fail, is if i am retarded. I know that by missing the classes, i miss the greaded pop quizes but I dont care. i feel stupid that i miss questions on the tests. It isnt that i dont know how to do it, its that i make simple stupid mistakes.. i dont check the work.. i rush.. I have always rushed things.. everything.. rushed.. and half way done.. allways.. its been that way my whole life.. im never the best at anything.. i never complete things.. i dont know how to deal with things anymore. i dont even know who i am anymore.. i dont feel like i have an identity anymore. everything i see, everyone.. they all are the same to me.. I am not the person you want to be with. Im not the person anyone will be with. looks have nothing to do with it. i probly wont go to class in the morning.. i will try though. i always set my alarm.. i just always turn it off. i cant even put up a show for people anymore.. i cant even pretend to be happy anymore.. the sad thing is that when im not pretending.. im empty.