-Ponderings-
I don't know what to do. I sort of well over-reacted when I heard that Kiros had a date wtih Rydia. And damn it I feel bad for over-reacting. I went on invisible and had to calm my nerves. Because well, she's HALF his age, a 43 year old guy doesn't go out with a girl that qualifies to be his daughter, it just isn't done. Hell, if Rydia were after me, I'd be like... no.. just no. And I would be quoting the phrase that Kiros often says to me in that respect.
But we have such a close bond that well, that I guess I kinda fear, fear that Kiros'll be taken away from me. That our best friendness will be sacrificed. He's been with me through so much that well.. I just.. well. .I love him.
And in kinda in a way more then well.. hell if he knew he'd prolly overreact. I can see him saying it.
Laguna, no.. just.. no.
So I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. A precarious line that I'm not even sure I will be able to walk. Damn it EVERYTHING was okay before Blank talked to me. I didn't think these thoughts, I had pushed nearly 20 years of feelings deep down inside me. I fell in love with Julia to get over my crush on Kiros... the one that wracked me up with shyness. And then Raine. Raine who I felt safe with, in a way that I felt safe with Kiros.
I refuse to compare Kiros and Raine. They are different people though they did serve one basic function. To wake me up from dreamland whenever I needed it. In that respect they were alot alike. Very similar. And by the Raine had come into my life, I had pushed my feelings for Kiros sufficiently back, Julia had done alot of that for me. So I was able to give my heart to Raine without chance of anything popping up that could of been vaugely sticky.
And when Raine passed away, and I recieved the letter. Kiros and Ward were there, but I remember Kiros' arms as he held me and stroked my hair as I cried on his shoulder, with the letter crumpled up in my fingers. He's followed me to the ends of the world, and while the crush never came back.. my respect, admiration and love for the man could only grow.
But now.. now.. now that I remember, remember what it was like to feel my heart flutter whenever he walked in the room. Damn it, will I be able to quelch it when I go back to Esthar? Here's praying to all the luck gods on my side that I will.. that I'll be able to look in his eyes without him seeing it.
I'm kinda glad that he probably won't be there when I get back. X_x Because it'll give me time to think.
Cheri Cheri Lady,
Going through a motion
Love is where you find it..
Listen to your heart.."