random thoughts in the talking mood...
i havent felt this way in a long time... lol its a weird feeling i dont mind it that much i jus wish i could breathe a lil more... and it wasnt so hot... so i guess u can say, that im writing in this because i know no one would read it and im in the talking mood.
its kinda sad... someone told me never change for anyone... and here i am changing for every person i meet.... so so that i dont even know who i am anymore... :-\ lol i get a usual check on my parents because their scared im not ok... (its been like that for the last 2 years) " are u ok? need to talk? i know we havent been around, tomorrow ill leave u money and my car and u can go do whatever u want were sorry we havent teached u shit, that kind of talk"
my mom calls me her biggest mistake, not only because i wasnt planned nor was i expected at birth but she didnt raise me.... so i guess u can i was kind of the only kid out of the 3 of us that wasnt raised, by my mom persay.
i need to find myself... and what i really want and what really matters to me, because right now alot is jus a blur... i dont care about this but i care enough to do this, but i dont care enough to do this which really isnt shit....
its funny that people ask alot of questions... I ask alot of questions but if anyone asked me a lot of questions i would feel like they actually care... or are really interested, but if anyone asked me questions like i ask questions and i told u the truth and u listened to it all... (well i dont think we woulda gotten through it all) bottom line is if u knew half of the shit that i did u wouldnt even talk to me anymore... so i guess i gotta be very thankful or greatful that its not that way... so i cant really be that tripped out when u dont tell me shit...
i wanna leave again but this time i dont wanna come back...
im looking for appartments... seriously i am... kinda funny because i need a job first but i can do that at the snap of a finger jus im waiting for the right one to come...
its the thought of u..... it wasnt u
i wish it was possible for me to go to bed before 2
i really miss alot of people but i call them and ask them if they wanna chill and they also got their own thing going... so i guess pushing my way into someones life is annoying and isnt good and is bad because i had a few people do it to me i understand why i dont get the call back or the text back or even an im when im online....
i realize all this shit yet i dont know how to change it... because a few weeks dont change everyone elses mind.... and the ones that do care and call me and wanna chill i miss it... and then when i call them back i dont get an answer.....
i know no one is gonna comment this or read it... so i guess u can say if this was my suicide letter no one would know till later...
summer time isnt suppose to be used at a computer all day
summertime isnt supposed to be spent in bed wondering where u went wrong in life...
where did i go wrong???
i had it all..... (in my opinion)
(takes drink, pops pills, repeat)
for me it was never quantity it was quality....
single minded to the point of recklessness
its funny how down to my very smile changed and everyone notices it except me.
i jus wanna see that smile one more time because it doesnt exist anymore, before its not even for me anymore... i want to be seen with that smile... i wanna be wanted, i want to be missed, i want too much.... i want not enough, i dont ask enough of myself... i need a light (light).... i need to run away, i need u, i dont want u, i dont have u, u dont even like the way i breath, talk, look... i need to move... i cant move, i need a job, i need a blow, i need a puff, i need a sniff, i need a cigg, i need a drink, i need some pills....
i had something that everyone wants now.........
goodnight! and goodbye to those who actually read this...