empty spaces, what are we looking for?
i actually didn't have much to write about when i logged on here (even though i've been writing in here everyday under private entries). but... i went back and read through some of my old entries and it has made me realize.... a lot of the people i mentioned in my journals i don't see anymore. either i just don't find the time to see them anymore, we've grown apart, or they've died. i was reading my entry about when my family moved back to our old house and how we visited our neighbor who we grew up with..... and then i remember that she died later that year. that was the last time i ever saw her. and she was perfectly healthy.
and i broke my promise to myself. what ever happened to "the first step i shall make towards this new "openess" is..... apologizing. apologizing to that one friend who i had abandoned over 4 years ago." i still have not done it. and what happened to "it makes me want to live my life so that i will not regret anything. i will say the things that are in my heart. show the people that i love that i do care. never hesitate." i still hesitate. i'm too scared. i'm too scared of third party perspective. i don't want them to witness my life, for fear that when things go wrong, they'll bring up the times that were good. maybe that relates as to why i get so angry and embarassed when people get involved in my business.
the fear of losing face.
a fall from grace.
ironically, i regret not going through with the first steps of my "no regrets" campaign. though... i have made up for it somewhat in other ways. but that doesn't excuse me! if i am going to do something, DO IT RIGHT!!
i have been dissappointed with myself thus far.
NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
this is mainly a reminder to myself. comments are disabled. but i realize that i DO need that third party perspective. to check on me and make sure i accomplish what i set out to do.
and i broke my promise to myself. what ever happened to "the first step i shall make towards this new "openess" is..... apologizing. apologizing to that one friend who i had abandoned over 4 years ago." i still have not done it. and what happened to "it makes me want to live my life so that i will not regret anything. i will say the things that are in my heart. show the people that i love that i do care. never hesitate." i still hesitate. i'm too scared. i'm too scared of third party perspective. i don't want them to witness my life, for fear that when things go wrong, they'll bring up the times that were good. maybe that relates as to why i get so angry and embarassed when people get involved in my business.
the fear of losing face.
a fall from grace.
ironically, i regret not going through with the first steps of my "no regrets" campaign. though... i have made up for it somewhat in other ways. but that doesn't excuse me! if i am going to do something, DO IT RIGHT!!
i have been dissappointed with myself thus far.
NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
this is mainly a reminder to myself. comments are disabled. but i realize that i DO need that third party perspective. to check on me and make sure i accomplish what i set out to do.