Only 19 miles to Elephant Rocks...
Goodness gracious, after a bajillion hours in the car today and a short time at the Shut-Ins, I am exhausted. I would like to tell the whole story about how we got left behind and ended up getting two hours out of our way, pretty much heading towards the Arkansas border and all the fun and mischeif that went with it, but I simply don't have the energy. Let's just say I have never been so happy to see Marquette High School in all my life. The best part was connecting and reconnecting with friends and laughing hysterically most of the time...all in all, despite crazy circumstances, I had a really great time.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about self-image, and how crazy girls especially can be sometime. For instance, I felt fat all day today. Not just flawed, I literally felt fat. It didn't help that I was surrounded by 3 gorgeous girls the whole day, but still. In all rationality, I'm not "fat". I may have chubby spots and I may be stout and oompa loompa-ish, but fat? I'm not even friends with a single girl that one could realistically call "fat". Yet as girls, we have the tendency to pick apart every teeny tiny little flaw, that might not even seem like a flaw to others, but to us, it is a huge deal. I mean Stephanie was self-conscious in her swimsuit...have you seen this girl? Perfect body. And she was worried. And the worst part is that it may seem like some superficial thing to outsiders, but self-image problems can go so much deeper than meets the eye. It tears you apart to the point where you will stand in front of the mirror and just cry, cursing every little thing about your face, body...anything. And it is so wrong. God made everyone the way they are for a reason. Sure there are varying degrees of being in shape, but is it going to kill you if you have a few cookies or taco bell one night? No, it isn't. In all actuality, you will be a happier, more satisfied person if you give into your cravings once in a while, within reason. But I ate taco bell tonight because that's where we stopped, and literally feel like throwing up because I feel so guilty. So guilty to the point that I'm making myself sick, and that's ridiculous. And I look at my girlfriends, and I can honestly find things I am envious of in each girl. If only they viewed themselves the way I viewed them, they'd have a much better outlook on themselves, believe me. Okay sorry, this is random and ramble-y and everything, I just can't stop thinking about this stuff lately. I constantly look in the mirror and hate what I see, long to look like anything else, and just knowing that other girls are feeling something that terrible makes me very upset, it is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world.
Been doing a lot more thinking lately, trying to be positive about this whole thing, it's just hard sometimes. I just turned 20, right? Sooo I'm past the high school, teenager thing, but I'm still somewhat of a kid. Not a kid actually, but not really an adult either. Maybe the reason I've been so scared lately is because as much as I want one, I might not actually be ready for a 'grown-up' relationship. It's hard to explain what I mean by that. I guess, my future has never been certain, but for three years, I was semi-convinced that I knew the way things were going to turn out. And now I'm just supposed to forget that and plan this totally different future with someone new? I just think I'm not totally prepared for that yet or something. It's just such a change in mind, and that takes time. I only hope I don't make the mistake of losing something so wonderful because I'm not fully prepared, I'm just not sure what to do with all this. And it doesn't help that I have all these emotions and feelings that I can't get out because there is just never a good time... but that's about something completely different and dealing with different people anyway. Alright, I've rambled long enough and my throat is sore, time for bed.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about self-image, and how crazy girls especially can be sometime. For instance, I felt fat all day today. Not just flawed, I literally felt fat. It didn't help that I was surrounded by 3 gorgeous girls the whole day, but still. In all rationality, I'm not "fat". I may have chubby spots and I may be stout and oompa loompa-ish, but fat? I'm not even friends with a single girl that one could realistically call "fat". Yet as girls, we have the tendency to pick apart every teeny tiny little flaw, that might not even seem like a flaw to others, but to us, it is a huge deal. I mean Stephanie was self-conscious in her swimsuit...have you seen this girl? Perfect body. And she was worried. And the worst part is that it may seem like some superficial thing to outsiders, but self-image problems can go so much deeper than meets the eye. It tears you apart to the point where you will stand in front of the mirror and just cry, cursing every little thing about your face, body...anything. And it is so wrong. God made everyone the way they are for a reason. Sure there are varying degrees of being in shape, but is it going to kill you if you have a few cookies or taco bell one night? No, it isn't. In all actuality, you will be a happier, more satisfied person if you give into your cravings once in a while, within reason. But I ate taco bell tonight because that's where we stopped, and literally feel like throwing up because I feel so guilty. So guilty to the point that I'm making myself sick, and that's ridiculous. And I look at my girlfriends, and I can honestly find things I am envious of in each girl. If only they viewed themselves the way I viewed them, they'd have a much better outlook on themselves, believe me. Okay sorry, this is random and ramble-y and everything, I just can't stop thinking about this stuff lately. I constantly look in the mirror and hate what I see, long to look like anything else, and just knowing that other girls are feeling something that terrible makes me very upset, it is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world.
Been doing a lot more thinking lately, trying to be positive about this whole thing, it's just hard sometimes. I just turned 20, right? Sooo I'm past the high school, teenager thing, but I'm still somewhat of a kid. Not a kid actually, but not really an adult either. Maybe the reason I've been so scared lately is because as much as I want one, I might not actually be ready for a 'grown-up' relationship. It's hard to explain what I mean by that. I guess, my future has never been certain, but for three years, I was semi-convinced that I knew the way things were going to turn out. And now I'm just supposed to forget that and plan this totally different future with someone new? I just think I'm not totally prepared for that yet or something. It's just such a change in mind, and that takes time. I only hope I don't make the mistake of losing something so wonderful because I'm not fully prepared, I'm just not sure what to do with all this. And it doesn't help that I have all these emotions and feelings that I can't get out because there is just never a good time... but that's about something completely different and dealing with different people anyway. Alright, I've rambled long enough and my throat is sore, time for bed.