Forget all about the pressures of day, do what I say, and I'll make you okay...
To Helena, mainly, but also to myself and anyone else who feels like this,
An entry from my actual paper-notebook journal, February 23, 2007:
"I'm home right now, but at the same time, I've never felt more homesick. I remember at camp, I used to wonder why other girls got homesick. I always felt there was no point, because I knew that home would be there, unchanged, waiting for me when I got back. As long as home was there for me to come back to, there was no need for me to physically be there at the moment. But now, home will never really be here again. I'm here now, but it will never be forever again, this place will never be permanent. I don't occupy my room the way I used to. I was sick yesterday at school, and even though my friends were taking good care of me, I just wanted to come home, where everything was clean and safe. But somehow, it's not exactly the same, because even though I'm here now, it's not to stay. I have to go back to school. And school isn't just extended summer camp, the way I think I always sort of imagined it would be in the back of my mind. When it's over, I don't get to come back home. I have to keep going to other places. I guess I always knew that, but I don't think I fully understood it. The last night before I left for school, I remember thinking that it was the last time I'd sleep in my bed that things would ever be the same...but even that realization made it different...I wished I could stop thinking that. I wonder when the real last time was, when I went to bed safe and secure, without worrying about things being over.
Being home still feels good. Great, even...comfortable. And it's better when my friends are here. We're still real. And it's not like living in the past, exactly, because it's not pretending, but sometimes we do things for old times sake. Repeating old memories because they make us all feel safe, and we all miss it. We need to remind ourselves that we're all still the same. And at the same time, things are changing for us, but as long as the core of us still exists, we'll have each other and be okay.
I came home this weekend partially to see Kerry. Her Aunt Bridget died, so I just want to hug her. Kerry and I will always have that.
But right now, I'm alone. Helena and I are going to the bagel shop in the morning. I love that. Maybe home doesn't have to be over entirely. I have summers. There will be new memories. Maybe for now, I can learn to be okay with back and forth.
I kind of wish Maty were here. Because, whetehr it's right or not, he's home to me at school, and having him here makes this home now again. And I feel like him seeing and maybe understanding about my home (can you ever really understand Greenwich from Iowa? Will I ever understand Iowa?) makes what we have solid. Being home with him feels so good and complete. I wish he had come. I hope I'm right to still believe him. I hope he's real, after all this. And that when he says he loves me, he means it as much as I do."
I don't know. I wrote that last february, and it's a little different now, especially after being home all summer, because by the end of the summer it just felt normal and like home again. And when I go home now, I don't feel as estranged so much...actually I don't know that, because the only time I went home so far this year, Mat was with me, and that's always different. Anyway. I think it's just really hard for everyone. And I know it's different for Helena, because she left home for the first time a long time ago, and it's not really the same...but just...adjusting and being old and not a child anymore is just strange and scary and hard for everyone. No matter how happy you are in your new setting. I could not ask for a better college experience...but I still feel this way. I have more to say about this but I really want to go to sleep now. Love to all.
An entry from my actual paper-notebook journal, February 23, 2007:
"I'm home right now, but at the same time, I've never felt more homesick. I remember at camp, I used to wonder why other girls got homesick. I always felt there was no point, because I knew that home would be there, unchanged, waiting for me when I got back. As long as home was there for me to come back to, there was no need for me to physically be there at the moment. But now, home will never really be here again. I'm here now, but it will never be forever again, this place will never be permanent. I don't occupy my room the way I used to. I was sick yesterday at school, and even though my friends were taking good care of me, I just wanted to come home, where everything was clean and safe. But somehow, it's not exactly the same, because even though I'm here now, it's not to stay. I have to go back to school. And school isn't just extended summer camp, the way I think I always sort of imagined it would be in the back of my mind. When it's over, I don't get to come back home. I have to keep going to other places. I guess I always knew that, but I don't think I fully understood it. The last night before I left for school, I remember thinking that it was the last time I'd sleep in my bed that things would ever be the same...but even that realization made it different...I wished I could stop thinking that. I wonder when the real last time was, when I went to bed safe and secure, without worrying about things being over.
Being home still feels good. Great, even...comfortable. And it's better when my friends are here. We're still real. And it's not like living in the past, exactly, because it's not pretending, but sometimes we do things for old times sake. Repeating old memories because they make us all feel safe, and we all miss it. We need to remind ourselves that we're all still the same. And at the same time, things are changing for us, but as long as the core of us still exists, we'll have each other and be okay.
I came home this weekend partially to see Kerry. Her Aunt Bridget died, so I just want to hug her. Kerry and I will always have that.
But right now, I'm alone. Helena and I are going to the bagel shop in the morning. I love that. Maybe home doesn't have to be over entirely. I have summers. There will be new memories. Maybe for now, I can learn to be okay with back and forth.
I kind of wish Maty were here. Because, whetehr it's right or not, he's home to me at school, and having him here makes this home now again. And I feel like him seeing and maybe understanding about my home (can you ever really understand Greenwich from Iowa? Will I ever understand Iowa?) makes what we have solid. Being home with him feels so good and complete. I wish he had come. I hope I'm right to still believe him. I hope he's real, after all this. And that when he says he loves me, he means it as much as I do."
I don't know. I wrote that last february, and it's a little different now, especially after being home all summer, because by the end of the summer it just felt normal and like home again. And when I go home now, I don't feel as estranged so much...actually I don't know that, because the only time I went home so far this year, Mat was with me, and that's always different. Anyway. I think it's just really hard for everyone. And I know it's different for Helena, because she left home for the first time a long time ago, and it's not really the same...but just...adjusting and being old and not a child anymore is just strange and scary and hard for everyone. No matter how happy you are in your new setting. I could not ask for a better college experience...but I still feel this way. I have more to say about this but I really want to go to sleep now. Love to all.