(no subject)
I feel depressed. (OMG!! WHATS NEW??) WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?? I feel so alone right now its not even funny. I tried calling like ten numbers (im exaggerating for effect..) but nobody was home. or were too busy to talk. and the few people that i was dying to talk to, i know i can't call them up... galkjdflkjds it is so fucked up. life is fucked up. just when you think you have it all, when life is going great- BAM! life throws you, yet another let down. another curve ball reminding you that No, life will never be okay for as long as you need it to be..
How did i get to be so negative? How come i always think like this? Why am i so depressed? Why cant I trust anyone? Why do i have this enormous amount of fear of abandonment? Who do i blame it on? My peers? My childhood? My parents? Or just plain, myself? Why should it matter who i blame it on? I should just figure out how to fix it, right? But how? I am so lost and confused as ever.
July 15th of last summer was complete hell. My close friends might remember that night...I just think to myself, how much have i grown since then? I mean, really? Did I learn anything? Am I a different person? I've learned a lot about love this year. That it cannot last long without trust. How wonderful love can be. But maybe next time, I will ask myself, Is it really worth the inevitable pain that is to follow? But i guess that when you love somebody, you trust them not to hurt you, so i guess that doesnt really matter..
I've also learned a lot about people and friendships. Like if you screw up, your good friends are probably more open-minded to forgiveness. But others are able to drop you so fast, that it scares the shit out of you, because of all the information you told them about because you trusted that they wouldnt abandon you...
But I can't really answer if i have grown as a person. If i have changed much. I still feel like the same person who swallowed all those pills last summer... Maybe I'm not as depressed right now, but I still think like i did a year ago. I have the same exact mind set. Maybe i just fall into the same pattern every year. Maybe this summer, its just on delay. Maybe I will plummet by the end of August. But who knows anything anymore?
How did i get to be so negative? How come i always think like this? Why am i so depressed? Why cant I trust anyone? Why do i have this enormous amount of fear of abandonment? Who do i blame it on? My peers? My childhood? My parents? Or just plain, myself? Why should it matter who i blame it on? I should just figure out how to fix it, right? But how? I am so lost and confused as ever.
July 15th of last summer was complete hell. My close friends might remember that night...I just think to myself, how much have i grown since then? I mean, really? Did I learn anything? Am I a different person? I've learned a lot about love this year. That it cannot last long without trust. How wonderful love can be. But maybe next time, I will ask myself, Is it really worth the inevitable pain that is to follow? But i guess that when you love somebody, you trust them not to hurt you, so i guess that doesnt really matter..
I've also learned a lot about people and friendships. Like if you screw up, your good friends are probably more open-minded to forgiveness. But others are able to drop you so fast, that it scares the shit out of you, because of all the information you told them about because you trusted that they wouldnt abandon you...
But I can't really answer if i have grown as a person. If i have changed much. I still feel like the same person who swallowed all those pills last summer... Maybe I'm not as depressed right now, but I still think like i did a year ago. I have the same exact mind set. Maybe i just fall into the same pattern every year. Maybe this summer, its just on delay. Maybe I will plummet by the end of August. But who knows anything anymore?