You wish it'd never go away...
Ugh. So more of my whiny bullshit.
I can't sleep. I haven't really slept since Friday night...and that was with the help of beer.
Things didn't end when I thought they would. Either Aaron ignores the fact that this whole situation is ripping my heart out and I can't walk away or he just doesn't get it.
This past Thursday we decided to do some binge drinking. Seemed like a good idea right? We start out at his dad's bar where we get a couple of free rounds. Then we go to get some food. Run through Burger King and sit in the parking lot to eat. Car won't start afterwards. Seems my car was pretty much OUT of oil. We walk over to Lewis, grab a few quarts and it starts right up, so we go to the Pocket to drink more beer and shoot pool. After a few pitchers I'm feeling quite intoxicated, but the night is still young so the beer keeps flowing. Adam is text messaging me because he's coming in to town soon and we're making plans to hang out and then Aaron gets a text message. Adam keeps texting even though I'm pretty unresponsive because I thought it would be rude to continuously keep texting while out with him. So after a few times Aaron grabs my phone and starts messing with it so I grabbed his. I noticed that he quickly put mine down and eyed me a little. I go to his inbox and it's a message from her that says nothing but 'i love you.' I instantly put his phone back. A little while later he goes to the bathroom so I look at his phone again. He had promptly texted her back that he loved her as well.
Sometimes it's easy to pretend that this other person does not exist but at times like this it's so apparent that I'm just spinning my wheels and get nothing in return. I've told him time and time again how I feel and he even admits that what he's doing is wrong. But then his only response is 'what do you want me to do?'
How am I supposed to respond to that? Of course all I want is for him to make a decision as to who he really wants. You can't be on the fence and say that you love this girl when you've never really even seen her in person and you're going to move hundreds of miles away for something you're not even sure of when I'm RIGHT HERE pouring my heart and my tears out for this guy. He says that he cares about me but if he really did he wouldn't do this to me.
I know I'm no great catch, that I'm not much to look at. But dammit I'm tired of being second place to people. I don't want to be a back up or a replacement. I want to feel like I matter. I want to be able to express how I feel to this person without the assistance of alcohol to ease the frightened feelings that cause me to clam up under any normal circumstances. And I want them to be reciprocated...not only passingly mentioned durring drunken conversation.
I'm a bit depressed because I feel the end is drawing near. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I keep saying it and saying it, but I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of saying and crying and all of these feelings and emotions. I asked him on Thursday to let me go. I'm ready but I'm not. It worries me how I feel like I just need him to be around.
It's a rough time right now. I want someone to be there for me but I dont want to count on him, Melissa has her own thing going on right now and my parents...well I'd just rather not get them involved in the whole ordeal.
But it's late, finally feeling tired so I'll try sleep one more time. Maybe my head will quiet down enough for me to sleep.
...and then it does.
kitty kisses meow.
I can't sleep. I haven't really slept since Friday night...and that was with the help of beer.
Things didn't end when I thought they would. Either Aaron ignores the fact that this whole situation is ripping my heart out and I can't walk away or he just doesn't get it.
This past Thursday we decided to do some binge drinking. Seemed like a good idea right? We start out at his dad's bar where we get a couple of free rounds. Then we go to get some food. Run through Burger King and sit in the parking lot to eat. Car won't start afterwards. Seems my car was pretty much OUT of oil. We walk over to Lewis, grab a few quarts and it starts right up, so we go to the Pocket to drink more beer and shoot pool. After a few pitchers I'm feeling quite intoxicated, but the night is still young so the beer keeps flowing. Adam is text messaging me because he's coming in to town soon and we're making plans to hang out and then Aaron gets a text message. Adam keeps texting even though I'm pretty unresponsive because I thought it would be rude to continuously keep texting while out with him. So after a few times Aaron grabs my phone and starts messing with it so I grabbed his. I noticed that he quickly put mine down and eyed me a little. I go to his inbox and it's a message from her that says nothing but 'i love you.' I instantly put his phone back. A little while later he goes to the bathroom so I look at his phone again. He had promptly texted her back that he loved her as well.
Sometimes it's easy to pretend that this other person does not exist but at times like this it's so apparent that I'm just spinning my wheels and get nothing in return. I've told him time and time again how I feel and he even admits that what he's doing is wrong. But then his only response is 'what do you want me to do?'
How am I supposed to respond to that? Of course all I want is for him to make a decision as to who he really wants. You can't be on the fence and say that you love this girl when you've never really even seen her in person and you're going to move hundreds of miles away for something you're not even sure of when I'm RIGHT HERE pouring my heart and my tears out for this guy. He says that he cares about me but if he really did he wouldn't do this to me.
I know I'm no great catch, that I'm not much to look at. But dammit I'm tired of being second place to people. I don't want to be a back up or a replacement. I want to feel like I matter. I want to be able to express how I feel to this person without the assistance of alcohol to ease the frightened feelings that cause me to clam up under any normal circumstances. And I want them to be reciprocated...not only passingly mentioned durring drunken conversation.
I'm a bit depressed because I feel the end is drawing near. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I keep saying it and saying it, but I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of saying and crying and all of these feelings and emotions. I asked him on Thursday to let me go. I'm ready but I'm not. It worries me how I feel like I just need him to be around.
It's a rough time right now. I want someone to be there for me but I dont want to count on him, Melissa has her own thing going on right now and my parents...well I'd just rather not get them involved in the whole ordeal.
But it's late, finally feeling tired so I'll try sleep one more time. Maybe my head will quiet down enough for me to sleep.
...and then it does.
kitty kisses meow.