My life's ambition
Sence no one reads LJ anymore, conciderthis your personal reply... I have done nothing to be compared to you before you left the for the Marines, or after you got back for that matter (not much difference). There is no reason for you to be doing things behind my back, and i'm still mad about it, i didn't stop questioning you because i belived you, but because there was no where else to go. I can only imagine it was Heather, Sarah, or Leeanna that hung up on you, but that latter two shouldn't count because of something i said concidering the fact the only reason they both backed out of their commitment to staying mad at you was because they wanted to hang out with me and knew that you had been with me, and that that was the only way they would be able too. You can ask any one of the three how much i've been talking behind your back, they will all 3 tell you about how anxious i was to find you and get THIS conversation out in the open face to face, because i wasn't keeping anything from you. If anything i was looking for you because i wanted to tell you of the conversations that i had had with these people of you.
I found it interesting that you had been telling me that Heather had been spreading rumors about you fathering her unborn child, yet when i talked to heather she told me that you said i was spreading the same rumors about you two at my boot camp... Why would i feel the need to tell people at Basic about two people doin' it at home? weather it was true or not... and maybe there was a misunderstanding about who i was supposedly spreading the rumors too, but i can assure you that i havn't spread any rumors about you to anyone you know or don't know. And if by chance you wern't making it up, and you actually do hace a source telling you that i was spreading these rumors, then get me and them together with you at the same time, then maybe we can straighten this out.
After all the crap that you put me through, the crap that you admitted to putting me through on the first day that i saw you back, how can you think that i would want to fake a friendship with you? So that i can have you move in and use my stuff because you don't want to stay at home? How is it that i'm the one who makes you feel depressed and angry, when I go out of my way to try to be there for you, and to have you open up to me? I told you this when you liked me and i'll tell you again, alot of the people that you tell your problems to actually do think you whine about alot of things, i didn't say that, i asked you to tell me, i tried to be there for you, and now you post this crap about me being a what kind of backstabber? oh right.... Why don't you try and look at this from a 3rd party perspective, cuz from your perspective, it's all about you, and how anytime someone's mad at you, it must not be your fault, how it must have been my lies that made someone mad at you. I will testify to everything i said to you infront of anyone that may try to tell you i'm lying.
And oh yes, you've been the best of friends to me sence you got back, by buying me food, companionship, and telling Heather that I stole the love of your life away from you, and tried to convince you to not go to church.
I was wondering was i trying to convince you to not go to church when i was offering to drive to leasure lake and back to pick you up from conans house, even though i had been to drill that weekend and was almost too tired to drive, or all the moments that i was asking how come you wern't at church on Sunday?
I asked multiple times to make sure that these things wern't said when we were fighting before you got back, i asked her.. "Are you SURE that he said these things a couple of weeks ago? Because if it was before he got back, i already dismissed that as being taken care of, so really, are you SURE it was just a couple of weeks ago? and she seemed pretty positive.
And the "love of your life" didn't stop talking to you because of me, the only reason she started talking to you again is because of me, you made her mad at you all by your self... you tell me to grow up, but your the one who needs to take responcibility for your failed relationships, because whatever happened between you and any of these three girls, or anyone else, has nothing to do with what i told them, wether it be truth or lie.
I'm still trying to figure out why i was trying to fake being your friend.... OH, maybe it was so i coulded be threatened by Shamoo, and his buddy Bones, for "Supposedly" forcing yourself on an unnamed, above mentioned person of the female persuasion....which to this day still claims to me that what she said is true.
Like i told you before, my emotions don't cloud my judgment over reality, i'm not going to say that i believe her over you just because your saying all these ugly things about me, I'm gonna say what i've always said, i don't know who's telling the truth.
If my goal in life was to make you mesirable, then why would i try to talk to you about things, and try to give you advice? Do you think my advice was bad? It was the same thing that i told Andy the next day that i thought should be done, and don't worry, i spoke in terms of "I told 'Someone' the other day" Your person problems arn't being aired by me. Honestly, i think everyone is tired of hearing it from you, let alone from me, repeating what you've already told most of them over and over.
The day I first saw you at home, did it seem like i was trying to save a fake friendship, or even a real friendship? No, i told you how i felt and how it was, and I asked YOU what you wanted to do. I told you what i requier from a friend, and to sum it up, it was the oppisite of what your doing to me yet again.
If we're not going to be friends then Fine, let it be so, but leave me alone about it. Don't go around telling everyone that i said this, or i said that, because everything i'm saying right now is being posted for the world to read, and if you want to leave it at this, then they will know that this is all I wrote. I'm not going to go behind your back telline people lies, or even the truth about the things you say or do, it's your buisness, and if you choose to not be friends, or to continue the pathetic highschool he said she said crap, then i don't want anything to do with your buisness. As far as playing my games, i have been up front from the beginning, and you admitted to to not beind so upfront, and not have such reliable sources. And you can deny it all you want, because no one cares about this fight between you and me besides us, so if you want to convince someone that i'm the liar, they're just going to get tired of your relentless going on about it, because i'm not going to be going up to people trying to convince them that i'm a liar, people know me better than that, and have lost trust in you because of the webs you weave, and not being able to get back out of them.
I suppose this is long enough, if you still wanna have a face to face heart to heart, i'm not hard to find, but if this is where you want to leave, then do just that, LEAVE IT, as apposed to trying to convince everyone and there sister that i'm a horrible person, and that i've been telling all these lies. As i said, they know me better than that, and they also don't really care to hear about it even if it was true. So if you don't want to be friends, then forget i exist, cuz if your not a part of my life, i'm not going to go out of my way to make your life any worse, so i expect you to show me the same respect.
And truely honestly i mean this, i will pray for your situations, and attitudes, and this situation, and my attitude. I hope that i handled this in a Christian way, if not, then i have sinned, and pray that i learn to do it in a better way. And the things that i opened up to you about, about the things that go on in my head, they have been coming back, and for the last week or so, i havn't been reading my Bible, or praying all that much. So it reinforces my beliefe about getting right with God will help you deal with what your dealing with, cuz on the camping trip, i started getting these hateful thoughts of some people, and things that were said and in the way they were said, and all i could do was think about how mad i was, and how wrong they were for being that way, until God told me "Cody, your being a hypocryte. You know why these thoughts are consuming you, and you know to be like me, you can't let them. And you also know that you know how to solve it, because you were telling Jonathan how to deal with it!" So i almost cried in that instant that i felt that. And i talked to Wes about the shape of my relationship with Christ. I pray that your troubles will be sloved.