Never wanted winter more.
I've never wanted winter more, with it's silent streets and howling midnight winds. The nostalgic glaze on window panes and the hum of the heater, filling the space with the same heat I'm trying to escape now. Winter makes me feel like I have permission to hibernate with journals and crock pots, instead of feeling guilt for not being out in the world. How did I let a summer pass without fresh corn on the cob, a yard sake, a flea market? I think of Emily Dickinson saying the days are still just a beautiful even if you're not out there walking around in it. But, I want to be out there walking around in it, I just don't want to pay for it afterwards. Having chronic illness gets infuriating, and not the good kind of infuriating where you can channel the anger to rally yourself and overcome whatever is wrong. To have your body not comply with your mind is depressing, especially when I think of years that I had my physical health yet wasted my days with low grade depression, which right now I would welcome and trade to escape this new 'norm' and reality. I get tired of hearing myself talk about it, and I know people around me do too. What people forget is that it's not ignorable, and it takes all my energy and effort to just fake it and act normal for a few hours, then afterwards spend days recovering from something that a healthy person does without thinking twice. Then there are all the magical alternative cures and treatments that don't work, but everyone wants you to try. Then when they don't work, on top of feeling sick, you can feel guilty like you just didn't "get it" or do it right. Like the law of attraction-- your thoughts create your reality. Think positive, think healthy. I did a triple program of this for 81 days. I did Qigong energy healing with basic exercises for reconditioning, EFT tapping and law of attraction for 81 days, and I did it strictly and religiously, putting full effort into it. During that time, I was feeling worse and worse expending the physical and mental energy. On day 82 I gave up. I basically will sit here and wait to see if new treatments show up for this and let everything be an over the top struggle to do basic things in the meantime. I know it could be worse, but this is my reality and it sucks and it's relentless. I was going to keep writing but this turned into whining, so I'll post this and come back later with poetry.