(no subject)
so, today was pretty hard. not as hard as i thought tho, but still. first of all, i forgot to set my alarm clock last nite. surprisingly i still got up at like 630, which isnt that bad, and i dont know how. i felt really depressed and shit, and everyone was asking me what was wrong and all that shit, but i didnt feel like talking about it. my teacher actually sad yelled at me for not having my homework(which i had no time to do), and when i said i had a bad day he was just like, you always have a bad day and he was yelling at me. i was just like, THANKS FOR MAKING THINGS WORSE ASSHOLE! and then this kid walked into me in the hall and i just fucking blew up on them...it was quiet a relief cuz i never had enough guts to say nething, but i was so pissed i really didnt care. fuck, bring it. so yeah. and then jazz i didnt even feel like playing a solo b/c when im upset i never feel like playing a solo. cuz it requires you to feel creative and expressive...and i was just pissed and wanted to get the song over with. but then chad played one, and added these cool keyboard effects becuase there was a keyboard rite next to the piano...and it sounded awesome but was really funny...cuz he was acting so serious, but it was an obvious joke. it was like orchestra playing the chords behind the solo...it was funny. probably the only time i smiled/laughed today.
i hate this. im trying to be myself, but its not working. i dont like being upset, but i dont really have a choice, i can't just forget what happened. well, things are better now tho. i was on the fone until 1 last nite working things out. its just, i think about all of the good things...and it makes me so happy. but then the thought of the not so good thing makes me cry. it just hurts so much, especially b/c of all the good things. i mean, things arent back to normal. not really even that close. some things i dont know if they will be normal. but i want them to be, but i cant just let some things go. i already did that, saturday...and it just proved that i cant let things go, because it turns out so bad. but i really want things to be normal, cuz this fucking sucks. im happy its better tho. altho not that great still. i just cant understand why it happened if it meant nothing. or see how i can trust ever again. because i was CONVINCED i could. i had doubt, but it was all gone when they looked me straight in the eyes and told me that they cared and were worthy of trust. they made me feel as comfortable as possible that i could trust them. all my doubt was COMPLETELY gone. i was so comfortable at that moment. thinking, how could i haved doubted in the first place? but then...they took advantage of that and just messed it all up. talk about feeling useless and betrayed...like no1 cares what you feel like or about you. not the best feeling...which is why this is so hard. because i cant just forget how they treated me. but i care too much to let that get in the way. its not worth it. i can handle it. atleast i think/hope i can... no you know what, i can. and things will get even better with time. yeah...with time... :( i cant even believe that i handled it so well...(trust me, that was me handling it WELL) i surprised myself with how i acted. i thought it would be completely different. thats y i cant say how ill act in those situations, because its just too hard to say that, because i will have no clue what ill feel like then. ok. well, im done ranting. theres so much more i want to say, but w/e...im not going to. they know everything i wanted to say, which is all that matters. just i hate how things can get so messed up over one stupid thing. one stupid thing that means so much. :( and to other ppl, its not a big deal, and they dont care whats gonna happen cuz they got what they wanted...and maybe even b/c of what they did theyll get more of what they want. yeah im getting confusing now i know. so im starving. i lost my appetite yesterday, and i havent eaten since 12 yesterday...which was a bag of chips for lunch, and i had no breakfast. so im gonna go eat. good bye...i hope i can cheer up, cuz im acting so fucking depressed and i dont want to. i just am, but i want to be happy. but then again i dont want to be, because the feeling i have right now, the feeling of...blank is so comforting. altho im also really sad. and plus no1 in my house even knows nething is wrong, so theyre just gonna be assholes...but im not saying nething to them about anything. they prob dont even realize nething is wrong. w/e. ok, bye.
i hate this. im trying to be myself, but its not working. i dont like being upset, but i dont really have a choice, i can't just forget what happened. well, things are better now tho. i was on the fone until 1 last nite working things out. its just, i think about all of the good things...and it makes me so happy. but then the thought of the not so good thing makes me cry. it just hurts so much, especially b/c of all the good things. i mean, things arent back to normal. not really even that close. some things i dont know if they will be normal. but i want them to be, but i cant just let some things go. i already did that, saturday...and it just proved that i cant let things go, because it turns out so bad. but i really want things to be normal, cuz this fucking sucks. im happy its better tho. altho not that great still. i just cant understand why it happened if it meant nothing. or see how i can trust ever again. because i was CONVINCED i could. i had doubt, but it was all gone when they looked me straight in the eyes and told me that they cared and were worthy of trust. they made me feel as comfortable as possible that i could trust them. all my doubt was COMPLETELY gone. i was so comfortable at that moment. thinking, how could i haved doubted in the first place? but then...they took advantage of that and just messed it all up. talk about feeling useless and betrayed...like no1 cares what you feel like or about you. not the best feeling...which is why this is so hard. because i cant just forget how they treated me. but i care too much to let that get in the way. its not worth it. i can handle it. atleast i think/hope i can... no you know what, i can. and things will get even better with time. yeah...with time... :( i cant even believe that i handled it so well...(trust me, that was me handling it WELL) i surprised myself with how i acted. i thought it would be completely different. thats y i cant say how ill act in those situations, because its just too hard to say that, because i will have no clue what ill feel like then. ok. well, im done ranting. theres so much more i want to say, but w/e...im not going to. they know everything i wanted to say, which is all that matters. just i hate how things can get so messed up over one stupid thing. one stupid thing that means so much. :( and to other ppl, its not a big deal, and they dont care whats gonna happen cuz they got what they wanted...and maybe even b/c of what they did theyll get more of what they want. yeah im getting confusing now i know. so im starving. i lost my appetite yesterday, and i havent eaten since 12 yesterday...which was a bag of chips for lunch, and i had no breakfast. so im gonna go eat. good bye...i hope i can cheer up, cuz im acting so fucking depressed and i dont want to. i just am, but i want to be happy. but then again i dont want to be, because the feeling i have right now, the feeling of...blank is so comforting. altho im also really sad. and plus no1 in my house even knows nething is wrong, so theyre just gonna be assholes...but im not saying nething to them about anything. they prob dont even realize nething is wrong. w/e. ok, bye.