Jan 29, 2009 11:22
i wish shannon was in the game with me instead of cheering me on from the bench.
ugh everything has been fine till this morning. well. ive been able to deal until this morning.
last night i did some editting on '21 secrets' & it really made me long for that deep, "in love" feeling. then i woke up feeling all weird cuz i was STARVING before I went to sleep & drank a bunch of sugary apple juice & a bagel :/ i think sugar encourages me to be overly emotional. then i had a dream it was friday night & we were meeting up in spring as planned. he was with chris and took some acid. I remember saying "hey baby how was your day?" and he looked at me with stone cold emotionless eyes and said "leave me alone, i don't want to talk to you." i remember asking why and he persisted "i can't talk to you right now. im on acid so i can't talk to you. go away i dont want to see you. you don't mean anything to me now." then he went back to just staring at the wall with that same emotionless stare.
i woke him up to give me a kiss & ask about bringing a 1 hitter w/ me. i mentioned i seemed disconnected from him & he was like well sorry but i call you any chance i get, all my free time goes to you... very abruptly and rudely. which i understand.. he had been woken up from a deep sleep. he was talking so slow as if i were a damn retard or something. i didn't mention that because i wanted to argue. ugh i just wanted him to know i was feeling a bit distant. he left me a bunch of sweet notes yesterday and has been texting me sweet stuff often. & that means alot to me. but mannn I just really want to have a good convo with him. maybe like 10-15 mins long. something with emotion, or interest in me.. something deeper than "how's your day?".
i thought it ironic that his reaction was so much like the one in my dream. but again, i understand..
I feel bad.. I know he's stressed.. it's just.. i am too.
but im alone & miles away from people who love me. i dont have a coworker, or even friend i feel like i can devulge this stuff to.
ickk
enough being emo. it'll be okay. i just need to keep the right mindset and approach shannon with stuff like that at better times. or just deal with it.
i need to remember no matter how routine things seem now, they won't ALWAYS be like this. things will change. i just gotta wait and see.