Anger Management
I watched a movie about a week ago with my neighbors called "Anger Management" with Adam Sandler. While I'm not normally a fan of Mr. Sandler, I couldn't help but notice how similar the plot of that movie was to my own life. I came to the realization that some part of me has been holding on to a hope that this whole thing has been akin to that movie. Once I moved on from the stage of hoping it's a nightmare that I will wake from, I moved on to hoping this has been an elaborate set up to coerce me into changing my ways, my thoughts, and my emotion handling.
I even had a dream last night that it was revealed to be this way. I dreamt that Amanda came back to me, apologized for putting me through all of this, and that we were going to move forward, both of us having learned something. I saw the whole thing in great detail.
Maybe it was a set up at first, and I blew it by not playing it cool. I don't know. Either way, I am a different person now. Not fully ready to tackle the world, but definitely a much improved version of myself. Every day, I catch myself acting autonomically, letting thoughts start to take over, and experiencing the resulting emotions. I catch myself, then I correct myself. I'm feeling more open about my emotions. I am being more honest about everything and not focusing on just the negative aspects in an attempt to maintain a state of flux. I'm learning to handle disappointment. I've realized that a change of plans does not mean the end of the world. Stuff happens, and it hasn't killed me yet. Stress management, anger management, control issues... they're all starting to be easier to handle. The ultimate result of all of these exercises in cognitive correction of emotional and subconscious pulls has been a more stable, functional, and balanced me.
In spite of everything, I think I do still love her. I am functioning on my own now, which only serves to show me what I had. She provided more for me than I realized, and not in ways that I can even verbalize. It's the little things she did that I miss. Things like keeping snacks in the house. That girl got me addicted to Chex mix and grapes. Things like forcing me to eat breakfast. Things like urging me to improve my level of physical activity.
The chores that were so central to all of our problems are so inconsequential now it's unreal. I mindlessly clean the house every week, and spot clean prominent messes immediately. In the past, that was something I did and felt that I should be rewarded or acknowledged for it. Now, it's just something that has to be done. It's not an inconvenience. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL! This is just one thing example of something that I blew out of proportion just to maintain that state of perpetual turmoil.
As hard as it is to cope with, being alone is just what I needed to find out what normal is all about. I shouldn't say normal... I should say healthy, stable, and even sane. I am not the only person in this world with stress. I'm not the most important person who needs to be exalted above all others and have everybody cater to his wishes. I'm just another drop in the bucket, insignificant in the grand scheme of life, and easily replaced on all fronts. With or without me, life goes on. Problems get solved. Bills get paid. And you know what? I'm finally okay with that.
I even had a dream last night that it was revealed to be this way. I dreamt that Amanda came back to me, apologized for putting me through all of this, and that we were going to move forward, both of us having learned something. I saw the whole thing in great detail.
Maybe it was a set up at first, and I blew it by not playing it cool. I don't know. Either way, I am a different person now. Not fully ready to tackle the world, but definitely a much improved version of myself. Every day, I catch myself acting autonomically, letting thoughts start to take over, and experiencing the resulting emotions. I catch myself, then I correct myself. I'm feeling more open about my emotions. I am being more honest about everything and not focusing on just the negative aspects in an attempt to maintain a state of flux. I'm learning to handle disappointment. I've realized that a change of plans does not mean the end of the world. Stuff happens, and it hasn't killed me yet. Stress management, anger management, control issues... they're all starting to be easier to handle. The ultimate result of all of these exercises in cognitive correction of emotional and subconscious pulls has been a more stable, functional, and balanced me.
In spite of everything, I think I do still love her. I am functioning on my own now, which only serves to show me what I had. She provided more for me than I realized, and not in ways that I can even verbalize. It's the little things she did that I miss. Things like keeping snacks in the house. That girl got me addicted to Chex mix and grapes. Things like forcing me to eat breakfast. Things like urging me to improve my level of physical activity.
The chores that were so central to all of our problems are so inconsequential now it's unreal. I mindlessly clean the house every week, and spot clean prominent messes immediately. In the past, that was something I did and felt that I should be rewarded or acknowledged for it. Now, it's just something that has to be done. It's not an inconvenience. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL! This is just one thing example of something that I blew out of proportion just to maintain that state of perpetual turmoil.
As hard as it is to cope with, being alone is just what I needed to find out what normal is all about. I shouldn't say normal... I should say healthy, stable, and even sane. I am not the only person in this world with stress. I'm not the most important person who needs to be exalted above all others and have everybody cater to his wishes. I'm just another drop in the bucket, insignificant in the grand scheme of life, and easily replaced on all fronts. With or without me, life goes on. Problems get solved. Bills get paid. And you know what? I'm finally okay with that.