Since when does one need to be identified as more "this" or more "that"?
Last weekend, I was driving to faire with someone I thought was a true friend. On the way into faire, I mentioned how good it was to be back home. This person turns to me and says, "You really are more of a rennie than you are a burner." What? The one has nothing to do with the other. They are both a part of my life and I feel they are both part of who I am. I am not more one than the other.
Over the last week, I have been thinking about this statement due to many of this person's actions. Does being more of a burner mean I am allowed to have no respect for other people's time constraints and life commitments? Does being more of a burner mean I can act selfishly and expect others to commiserate with me when things do not happen to make me happy or when others get upset because of it? Does being more of a burner mean I can act like a 5 yr old? I don't believe so, because I have many other "burner" friends who don't act this way. However, I do know that this is not a person who deserves to be called my friend.
It's sort of funny because my husband always gets on me about how unforgiving I am, how I am always quick to hold a grudge against those who make minor infractions that I feel have wronged me, yet I will defend to a fault anyone who makes a good first impression upon me, no matter how bad they can really be. And, for the first time, I can really see this. Because I did so for this person.
Last October, I invited this person to come work with me at a booth at the LV ren faire. I am able to work out arrangements with friends to make sure we can camp onsite as this is part of the whole experience. This person asks me to see if I can stay on site until Monday morning. I tell her I need to be home early to be able to wash up and such before work as I had a student at 1pm. Not a problem they say.
This person had a problem with their vehicle and I suggested they take the vehicle to my mechanic; which they did. This person tells me she can't pick it up until Monday morning. Ok, still not a problem, just make sure there is a ride available and pick it up early because I have work at one. Still told, not going to be a problem.
Come Monday morning, she and her new bf, were still sleeping the first couple of times I checked on them. A bit later, they were missing from their tent. When I spoke with campmates, they stated the two said they were off looking for me and pointed the direction they had headed, which was the opposite way from the direction they knew I had been the night before. I didn't see them again until nearly 10-11 o'clock. When I asked what was going on with the car was told they were working on the car issue and had a ride but had to tear the person's booth down before they could leave, but don't worry, I'll be home in time. Now, I live about 20 minutes from site and my student was about 20-30 minutes from my home. About 11:30, my husband calls to find out how much longer before I can get home for work (mind you, at this time, he was also the coordinator for my company.). He states he will come get me because it is starting to get close and he wanted to make sure I was on time to work. I am also panicking because I have been after this person about the time constantly being told not to worry it was going to be okay. About 5 minutes before my husband pulls up to site, this person finally leaves to go get the vehicle. And, to me, just couldn't grasp why I was so upset about possibly being late to work!
But, I defended this person time and again to my husband who just didn't want to let me go on trips dependant on this person because they seemed to have no respect for my time contraints. I thought this person was my friend and I would defend this person to the end. I understood they were more spontaneous than I can be. Not a problem to me, yet.
This season for ren faire, I ask this person if they would like to join me in working big faire, something I knew they had been a part of and seemed to want to enjoy again. I stated they could probably work 8 hours per day since that is what I did last year and it was minimum wage plus tips, however my tips last year sucked. Also, stated that the booth provided us with lunches, some dinner and breakfast. Stated I would try to contact my boss there and work it out. This person agreed to work. Over the next few weeks, there were questions and issues about dates since there was a weekend committed to an event in LV, so I tried to contact this person. I called, left messages, spoke to one of this person's bf's stating I really needed to hear from this person and was told the message would be passed on, sent text messages and emails. I never heard back for near a month or so after the start of my first messages. The reasons given, they had a relationship issue they had to think about. Now, I really needed some confirmations because faire was coming up and if they were going to change their mind on me, I needed to make other arrangements to get to faire since so few people I know live here and drive in to L.A. for it. Ok, I dealt with it. Things seemed to get worked out.
Last weekend on the way to faire, we pull over halfway there to fill up. I really don't have the money. I think I had like 18 dollars on me. Ok, part my fault, we didn't clarify the arrangements on splitting the gas money. I knew I was going to, just had expected that I would pay when I received pay on Sunday night. Not the case, was told this person only had like 20-40 dollars for food and had planned on me paying for the tank here, where gas was 40 cents more per gallon than in town. Must use premium in this car. Ok, well, don't really have the money, but I'll try to put it on my debit card. done.
Now, this person is trying to deal with some personal issues and our planned hosts for the weekend were going to attend an adult party on Sat. When I mentioned this to my driving host, they mentioned they really didn't want to attend so I agreed to make arrangements for us to stay at my father's. Now, my father was going to bring some insulin to me at faire on Saturday when he was attending with a friend, since we use the same kind and I really can't afford it even with my insurance, and I would have to keep it on ice at faire. However, when I made the arrangements for us to stay at his home on Sunday, made arrangements for me to just take it on Sunday, thus requiring less time to be kept merely on ice. I mentioned this to this person. As we were arriving at our Friday night's host home, they informed me that their event had been cancelled. My "friend" says, ok, let's just stay here that way I don't have to pack everything up to go to your dad's. now, I packed one small bag and my hoop for the trip because I know I was staying at people's and didn't want to carry to much and be burdened. This person packs the entire house and then some. I remind them that I have already made arrangements with my dad who was intending for us to have dinner with him as well. They made do, especially since our host's had us pull our faire stuff out and pack everything back into the vehicle before anything else.
We go to faire on Sat where my booth has added an extra person and is trying to make smaller shifts, presumably because the girls who worked with me last year did not handle the shifts very well. Ok, doesn't seem to be a problem. We settle in to work.
I should mention that the Monday before faire, I was put on new medications to deal with my diabetes, including a weight loss med because the doc wants me to lose weight. The medication is an amphetamine, so it causes my body to constantly tremble, especially during that first week on it. So, my body is pretty frackkin' tired by the end of my day. During the week, I am usually in bed by 8 since I wake at 3:30-4:00 am for work. So, you can imagine how early my day usually ends...lol
Now, during this first day at faire, I tried to get exercise by walking the entire faire from back to front, then back again. Having opened my booth and working until 2:30, then returning at 6:30 to close it down since I am the only returning person. By the end of the day, I'm pretty frackkin' tired and starting to hurt since this is the first real exercise I have done while on these meds. This friend comes up to the main booth wearing their new "faire bf's jacket" stating that we should just stay onsite tonight since he wanted this friend to stay with him tonight. I state that I am really tired, really hurting, we had prior arrangements at my dad's (about 15 minutes away) and I had no bedding to camp onsite since we hadn't planned for it. Mentioned I have no problem staying onsite, but needed to know ahead so I could make arrangements for it. They seemed a bit pouty, but said ok, they needed to return the jacket to the bf. We ate dinner provided by the booth. It is already late, dark and getting cold and I have no cloak or nightwear since we hadn't made plans to stay onsite late. It's about 8/8:15 or so, by my recollection. This person goes off to return the jacket. I sit and wait with a couple people, who after a bit, ask me how long was I waiting, wasn't I getting cold, hadn't I mentioned I wasn't feeling well, etc. All of which was yes. They left and another person came up. She and I talked for about 20 minutes before she needs to take off. So, I sit there for a bit in the dark by myself since everyone else had wondered off for the night. I try calling this person, but their phone is in my basket with the rest of their belongings. Great! I look at my phone and it is already 9:38 and they haven't come back yet. Finally they come back saying how cute it was, the bf didn't want to let them go, kept pulling them back for kiss after goodbye kiss. (Um, gee, thanks. You knew I wasn't feeling well and didn't have warm clothing and kisses were more important.) Thank goodness someone had left their cloak and it helped a little, it was open on the sides.
The next morning, my father gives us money to get coffee and outmeal at Starbucks. We get to faire and they take off to go see the bf. When they come back, breakfast had already been served, but I had saved a serving for them, just to make sure they had enough for breakfast. We set off for our respective shifts and such. This friend comes up and states they were told they needed something to wear specific to be allowed to sit in the bf's guildyard. As a result, they go and spend $150.00 on a new faire piece so they can sit in the guildyard. Thought you didn't have money for gas?? whatever.
Now, we get to the end of the day. Pay is lesser than I remember because the shifts have gotten a little bit shorter. Ok, deal with it, because being at faire is the main reason I do this. I now have my basket full of my items since dad bought me a new one. I'm still trying to minimize my items because of how tired I am and how sore my muscles are from my meds and I have my box with the insulin and ice packs in it to carry to the vehicle out in left field. This friend starts putting their various items in my basket saying they had to carry their clothing (remember, they had a new outfit and had to carry the items they came in.). I mention I couldn't carry all of this. (If you wanted to put your stuff into a basket for easier carrying, why didn't you get one? They were only about 20-30 dollars depending on which one you got!) So, they finally grab my small insulin box and their clothing, but the rest of their stuff goes into my basket for me to carry to the car. Thanks.
On the way to the car, they start complaining about how little they got paid (looks like some hours might have been missed d/t this person having to write their hours in different places). They didn't check the money when they were with the bosses and didn't mention it before we walked out of site. I say just mention it and have them recheck. They get upset and say , "You told me we were probably getting 8 hours a day. I only got 5!" (Ok, probably, not Will. No promise I can see.) And the tips suck. (Um, i mentioned this in the beginning before you agreed). This doesn't cover my gas. It takes me three tanks to make the round trip. (I paid for at least one!) and on and on it goes. I finally give them $40.00 more. "What's this for???" (to shut you up so I can try to sleep, you know, part of our arrangement of my driving on Friday, where I let you sleep with no interruption, and you drive home on Sundays so I can sleep since I have to be up at 3:30-4am and it is already 8:30?) Now, I only had made about 30 dollars more than they did since I got the extra open/close hours for being the one returning member. They continue to go on and on about how they don't think they can continue to do faire unless they get at least 8 hours. This doesn't cover all three tanks or food. (Again, I paid for one tank so far, just gave you enough to cover a little over the second and you got free lunch both days, free dinner Sat and Free Breakfast Sunday. You didn't pay for food.) I say, then mention to them you need a few more hours, there is another booth to work. They are reasonable. We leave Irwindale at about 8:20pm and finally get home to LV after 1:30am. They mention it will be their mother's birthday next weekend and she wants them to go to D-land on Monday.
Monday, I find out that that tank of gas I had to put on my card had overdrafter, I don't have enough money to cover it because I was now short because of the extra money I had given the friend the night before. As a result of my bank overage, they also manage to overdraft my savings acct, not really sure how and still trying to work it out. So, in all, this weekends trip has now cost me about $140.00 in travel expenses. ($28.00 for the tank, 2 overdraft charges of $35.00, an add. day overdraft fee of $5.00 since I couldn't get to the bank until they started processing under the next day, plus the additional $40.00 due to the bitching). I now have $20.00 left until next weekend.
Tuesday, I get a text about 4:30 stating they will call me when they get home. By the time I go to bed at 8, I know they have been home for a while since both facebook and LJ have a plethora of meme's up. No call. I get a call after 8:15, just as I was drifting off to sleep. The friend is calling to say it is their mother's b-day this weekend and they are going to go to D-land with them on Monday and can't drive me home Sunday. They say, I can drop my car off with you and you can drive down. Mention to them I wasn't sure I would have the money for gas to get down there since that one tank had cost me over $100.00 in fees. Their response, "oh. let me know." I work to find another ride, am told I could be squeezed in one place, but it would be tight. Ok, I'll trade in some of my collector's chips and get the gas money. Ok, I'll go ahead and use your car. (Meaning I don't get to sleep on Sunday either and have to drive home after working a day at faire.)
Again, I will accept partial fault for the next issue since I "assumed" they were being followed by their mother into town (they live an hour outside of LV.) and were dropping the car off (Their words) and riding into L.A. with mom. (again, they stated, they were riding to L.A. with mom and could leave me their car.)
They ask me when I would be available for them to drop off the car on Thursday. I say anytime between 3pm and 8pm since I have to be in bed by then for work the next day. I get a text about 4:30 saying they are off in about an hour and will head my way. Now, I didn't sleep very well the other night and by 5pm, was fighting to stay awake. My meds make me exhausted because of the upper effects and I had been up since before 3am. I don't get the first call until about 7-7:15pm saying they were stuck on the other side of Hoover dam, traffic was stop and go, they will call me again to let me know they are on the other side. I get another call about 7:30-7:45 telling me they are on the other side and on their way...
"You are ready to drive me home, right?" What?? You didn't mention I needed to drive you home. I really can't. I am really tired and didn't plan for this. (it would be at least a two hour drive both ways, in the dark, to and from a place I have only been once or twice off a road that has no street lights for a long portion of the way.) "How the fuck did you think I was getting home? I told you I had a meeting in the morning!" (now raising their voice at me) Please don't yell at me. You didn't mention this..."Yes, I did. yes, I did, Yes, I did, Yes, I did. (over and over like a 5 yr old.) "How the hell did you think I was getting home???" Stop yelling, you said you were going to L.A. with your mother and leaving me your car..."I told you that you had to drive me home" (Now really screaming at me) I tell this person to stop screaming at me, they don't, I hang up.
They call me back about 5-10 minutes later, I am in bed, body shaking and tired. "So, are you driving me home?" I can, if you want me to get into an accident. I really cannot drive right now. "Then, I'm going to turn around and go home." Ok. *click* I hung up.
What was I supposed to do? My body was literally shaking from exhaustion. If I drove, I know I would have gotten into an accident, either because I couldn't drive straight or because I would have fallen asleep behind the wheel. They never mentioned that I would need to drive them home or I would have taken a nap instead of waiting up for them to arrive. I had sent a text asking if mom was following them into town, since I realized, a bit too late in retrospect, that I didn't know if that was truly the plan and had gotten no response. Unfortunately, they often don't return calls, text or voice messages, or emails, so nothing really new there.
End result, I was unable to connect with the other LV driver and get a ride. I had to call my boss at faire and apologize for letting him down, but I couldn't get to L.A. He asked, "Aren't you riding with so-n-so?" as this was the pre-arranged commitment since at least a month before faire started. So, I had to give him a short story version and explain I was trying to get another ride, but hadn't heard back and greyhound was cost prohibitive. I have never fallen back on a commitment like this!
So, is this what being a burner means? Having no respect for other's time contraints or health issues? Expecting other's to read my mind? Expecting other's to do what I say, even if I change or add arrangements at the last minute with no thought about how it affects the other person?
I am sorry this person drove most of the way into town before finding out I couldn't drive them home as they thought I would. I am sorry I didn't ask before hand to make sure what I thought I understood was correct. But, I am not sorry for endangering them or myself by taking their car and driving when I knew I was in no condition to. I am sorry for hanging up on you, it was rude, and my getting tired of you screaming at me like a child is no excuse. And I am sorry if I'm not the "burner" you think I should be to be able to claim such a title.
But, I am not sorry for figuring out that you have only your best interests in mind. I am not sorry for finding out that you really aren't the type of person I want to call a close friend. I am not sorry for deciding to take you out of my close circle of friends. And I am not going to be sorry for calling myself a burner and feeling a part of the burner community, because I do not believe this is what a burner really is.
A burner or a rennie are names we give ourselves and each other to remind ourselves that we are parts of these wonderful communities. I do not believe that one must have THIS MUCH FEELING one way or the other towards any community to be able to state they are one because they feel a part of that community.
You do not get to tell me what I am more or less of because I do not fit into your perception of what it means to be one.
I am Brandi. I am Guinethe. I am Chewtoy. I am multi-cultural. I am Ren folk. I am a Burner. I am.