(no subject)
So it's all come and gone...
We had the memorial on Sunday. I opened it up by playing a song, after giving a few words, and then everybody did their thing. Logan closed it off by saying his peace, and honestly, he vocalized Jay's spirit so effectively, there was really nothing left to be said. It was a beautiful service and now I'm just left with the remaining 'this is fucking bullshit' that my life will be full of for I imagine, I dunno... a long time. There is an image to my right as I type this of Jay's face, a very pro photo that was printed onto large canvas... it looks beautiful, and adorns his office so, in a sense, he's still here, but... yeah. This is fucking bullshit.
Ah well... I would be less upset if I had some shifts this week, but as it is this job doesn't seem to be entirely... steady. We'll have to see. I'm in a good financial situation for this very moment, but it may prove to be difficult once May first comes around. My roommates are ok with me moving out, and may take a bit of the financial stress themselves if it proves difficult to find a sublet, but whatever. I don't care. It's good for me to be here, and to be at ease... relative ease. I am a week away from being in the last two months of my twenties, and so long as this experience is fresh in my mind, this place feels like family, and will give me the time I need to meditate on it all, on this event, on the last decade of my life, of what's next and what it means. I'm going to be getting my own place soon, I'm hoping a week after my birthday, and then things will... begin? I don't know how quickly they will. We'll see.
To be perfectly honest, I don't know what I want to do, other than the fact that I seem to be setting my life on this animated series, which I am proud to be directed at, frankly. It is not exactly a modest project, even if its presentation belies such a thing. And how can I not do it now? It's the other things that give me pause... I don't know if I want to be in this band I'm in. In fact, I was about to type, "I don't THINK I want to", and I erased think and changed it to know just to give myself that much more of a benefit of the doubt about it. It has its moments... and certainly I shouldn't hermit myself. We'll have to see. But honestly... Zelda cover tunes? I was always a Final Fantasy guy. Some part of me feels like a sell-out for it. I kind of just want to be alone.
I wish I could know what the decision will be with the money so I could take my mind off of it, so I could know whether they plan on helping Logan, whether this computer will be sold or whether I can use it to make the series, whether I'll have any aid for supplies knowing that I'll be the only one carrying Jay's dreams forward, and on my own. I don't want to get into what is threatening to be done on so public of a forum, but there is a chance right now that a large, and I mean LARGE, part of the life insurance money is going to be frivolously wasted because the person it was given to is too greedy to spend it on, I don't know, helping Jay's widow survive Jay's debts. It makes me sick, and angry, and... Christ, if it doesn't solve those debts at the very least, I may... become depressed all over again. I hope not. It would feel like my best friend just vanished from the earth, and every hope that there were things in place to aid those who would suffer from it would be squelched unjustly... faith in humanity would just plummet, fuck, and I have spent so long purging myself of hatred already. Whatever. I will accept whatever the verdict is. But I will make her know how she has shamed our family *and* his memory if she makes the wrong choice.
Thank god the family itself seems to have vested interest in her making a wiser decision. I pray this goes well...
I'd gotten back to this journal with the hopes that it would keep a creative outpouring of sorts going on and I really do hope it keeps serving me as such. I'm starting to feel the emptiness creep in. I imagine not having any shifts has something to do with that, makes me feel like a loser. So I've got to get a leg up and get something done. But this impulse is in direct combat with the part of me that doesn't want to do anything, because fuck it, I need to... experience this, and not rush anything. However... it sounds like I may have been offered a gig playing music at a restaurant. Not my usual cup of tea, but it will be paying, and I ought to look into it. I think that sounds like the thing to do for tomorrow. It seems like a classy joint... here's hoping that doesn't totally destroy my soul.
Anyhow, off to more dreamfasting. I must view the past in order to meditate on my soul, and preserve the time period when Jay was part of my consciousness in a more lively fashion. 30 is going to be awesome... but it has to be right. Off we go...
We had the memorial on Sunday. I opened it up by playing a song, after giving a few words, and then everybody did their thing. Logan closed it off by saying his peace, and honestly, he vocalized Jay's spirit so effectively, there was really nothing left to be said. It was a beautiful service and now I'm just left with the remaining 'this is fucking bullshit' that my life will be full of for I imagine, I dunno... a long time. There is an image to my right as I type this of Jay's face, a very pro photo that was printed onto large canvas... it looks beautiful, and adorns his office so, in a sense, he's still here, but... yeah. This is fucking bullshit.
Ah well... I would be less upset if I had some shifts this week, but as it is this job doesn't seem to be entirely... steady. We'll have to see. I'm in a good financial situation for this very moment, but it may prove to be difficult once May first comes around. My roommates are ok with me moving out, and may take a bit of the financial stress themselves if it proves difficult to find a sublet, but whatever. I don't care. It's good for me to be here, and to be at ease... relative ease. I am a week away from being in the last two months of my twenties, and so long as this experience is fresh in my mind, this place feels like family, and will give me the time I need to meditate on it all, on this event, on the last decade of my life, of what's next and what it means. I'm going to be getting my own place soon, I'm hoping a week after my birthday, and then things will... begin? I don't know how quickly they will. We'll see.
To be perfectly honest, I don't know what I want to do, other than the fact that I seem to be setting my life on this animated series, which I am proud to be directed at, frankly. It is not exactly a modest project, even if its presentation belies such a thing. And how can I not do it now? It's the other things that give me pause... I don't know if I want to be in this band I'm in. In fact, I was about to type, "I don't THINK I want to", and I erased think and changed it to know just to give myself that much more of a benefit of the doubt about it. It has its moments... and certainly I shouldn't hermit myself. We'll have to see. But honestly... Zelda cover tunes? I was always a Final Fantasy guy. Some part of me feels like a sell-out for it. I kind of just want to be alone.
I wish I could know what the decision will be with the money so I could take my mind off of it, so I could know whether they plan on helping Logan, whether this computer will be sold or whether I can use it to make the series, whether I'll have any aid for supplies knowing that I'll be the only one carrying Jay's dreams forward, and on my own. I don't want to get into what is threatening to be done on so public of a forum, but there is a chance right now that a large, and I mean LARGE, part of the life insurance money is going to be frivolously wasted because the person it was given to is too greedy to spend it on, I don't know, helping Jay's widow survive Jay's debts. It makes me sick, and angry, and... Christ, if it doesn't solve those debts at the very least, I may... become depressed all over again. I hope not. It would feel like my best friend just vanished from the earth, and every hope that there were things in place to aid those who would suffer from it would be squelched unjustly... faith in humanity would just plummet, fuck, and I have spent so long purging myself of hatred already. Whatever. I will accept whatever the verdict is. But I will make her know how she has shamed our family *and* his memory if she makes the wrong choice.
Thank god the family itself seems to have vested interest in her making a wiser decision. I pray this goes well...
I'd gotten back to this journal with the hopes that it would keep a creative outpouring of sorts going on and I really do hope it keeps serving me as such. I'm starting to feel the emptiness creep in. I imagine not having any shifts has something to do with that, makes me feel like a loser. So I've got to get a leg up and get something done. But this impulse is in direct combat with the part of me that doesn't want to do anything, because fuck it, I need to... experience this, and not rush anything. However... it sounds like I may have been offered a gig playing music at a restaurant. Not my usual cup of tea, but it will be paying, and I ought to look into it. I think that sounds like the thing to do for tomorrow. It seems like a classy joint... here's hoping that doesn't totally destroy my soul.
Anyhow, off to more dreamfasting. I must view the past in order to meditate on my soul, and preserve the time period when Jay was part of my consciousness in a more lively fashion. 30 is going to be awesome... but it has to be right. Off we go...