Return to form?
Last night my good friend Juniper and I spent time going through old journal entries in a process she likened to Dreamfasting as performed by certain characters in the Dark Crystal. It was something that was brought on by recent events certainly, but it has inspired me to try to return to this place as a means of getting back in touch with my nature. So much has gone on, and I really am such a different person, and yet at the same time it is really more of a matter of maturity than whole-hearted change; so much of the person that I have been revisiting is who I wish I still remained, plus or minus some extremely sizeable aspects that I'm certain come with time. But most importantly, there was something to my candour, something to my sense of flow that I feel has been grossly misplaced during my adventures through the world that, now as I am approaching thirty in a matter of months, I wish to reclaim in order to start the next chapter of my life wholly on my terms. And as I see it, now that that is what I want, it is unavoidable. Thank the gods :p
So here I am. I am still a dragon. I am still an artist, though I am much more of an artist than I have ever been. I've been through and survived the harrowing, as it was put in Dragon Age, and now I am a full-fledged mage of sorts. I have yet to complete a project that verifies that completely, but I have in fact completed a thesis in the form of The Good Monster, the album I created, and the film Beartrap, in which I played a lead role, and which toured the planet. I have fans in Berlin. That's not bad. If anybody has any interest in seeing or hearing any of the aforementioned things, just let me know and I will post links for you. On top of that, in the next few months I should be releasing two more albums, and I am just beginning a journey into what I believe will become my life, my signature: the cinematic motion comic. If time is kind to me, I may begin to develop video games, but it is hard to know if that is what I want or merely what I dream. We'll see.
The good thing is that I believe the depression is behind me, the suicidical feelings, the anger, the hatred, the addiction, the deceit, the schizophrenia. All in the past... okay, perhaps not the schizophrenia, which as a term I use more referentially than genuinely diagnostically. I believe that such a condition as it presents itself in myself is more tied to an essence of magic than anything else, a potent force that I believe is as real as spiritualism, but highly misunderstood and never taking the characteristics that one might presume. To those ends, identifying myself as a mage is not the same as considering myself a practitioner in any way other than creating art that may have the potential to touch people's lives; but that IS magic, is it not? Isn't swimming through the vast beauty that life presents us the profoundest of magicks there is? How can we live in magic and not consider it so, unless we were bending our psyche to fit into the narrow spectrums that a cynical and self-destructive world forces upon us day in and day out. I have no interest in pandering to those sensibilities any more than they present themselves in my friends whom I wish not to disturb in their sacred right to form their own perspective, but even then. Even then I am not going to contort myself to be what they wish to see. If they are going to live a lie, I am going to stick out like a sore thumb in their sights and give them troubles of contemplation, and not intentionally, not aiming to upset them. It is not for me to decide what being true to oneself can cause in the minds and hearts of others, it is only up to me to do so because of how strongly I believe it is right.
In the end, this journal is a healthy enterprise, to exorcise the experiences and events and perspectives that I am given and wade through... it is ironic that I was set to give up the pains of life by the death of my closest friend, but that is life. I always say that if you sense a paradox, then truth is near, and I will stick to that as time goes by. I look forward to sharing with you all the developments that happen as I create my work in the time to come, OUR work, for my friend and I have been working on it for over a decade, and just as the time came that we were to start off on our path, he was taken. I am comforted in knowing it was meant to happen... there were signs and indications, and one or two miracles that communicated as such that I feel comfortable believing in without explaining to anyone about. I feel confident that we are souls that have bodies, though I can't prove it. I have no need to. And I feel confident in spiritualism by my own reckoning and definition... I've always said it was my own intent to carve out my own religion, one that doesn't go by the moniker of religion but serves to fuel my own entry to existence without the need of such labels, and it will be so...
In any case, the next few months will determine what this span of time will be. I am a writer. My reviewing of the journal has verified that in me, that beneath all things writing was my way of life, and as I type now, and as it comes to me as a flow that feels inherent to my very way of thinking, I know that being here and saying these things will help me down that path greatly. I can't wait for you all to hear the things I have written for this project... I believe I have realized my potential, or at least, the starting gate of my potential. I am going to be drawing and coloring again, far more often than I have in the past decade, and my work is better than ever, though it is going to lean towards the surreal more than the strictly fantasy (other than in the motion comic). I am sure it won't be appreciated any less for being so, and frankly, dragons will always have a place in there somewhere...
So that's it. For now. I will be writing again. And again. And again.
Life is a beautiful thing, amidst the horror. And the horror, after all this time, has become my friend, something I am no longer blind to, something I can put my finger on when I make my grand estimations. I believe this was always my intention, though I was not aware of it. I entered the world to learn the resources I would require to realize my visions in as realistic a way as possible, in order to be as successfully unrealistic as I would require. And I have succeeded. I have taken my name back, I have my soul, and the magic of imagination is mine to command. If it can be used to help those in need, it will. Time will tell... for now, it is time to end my 20s appropriately and start a new era as brightly as I can muster. I will wade through the grieving, never shirking it, for to do so would be disrespectful. I will live up to it.
Good morning.
So here I am. I am still a dragon. I am still an artist, though I am much more of an artist than I have ever been. I've been through and survived the harrowing, as it was put in Dragon Age, and now I am a full-fledged mage of sorts. I have yet to complete a project that verifies that completely, but I have in fact completed a thesis in the form of The Good Monster, the album I created, and the film Beartrap, in which I played a lead role, and which toured the planet. I have fans in Berlin. That's not bad. If anybody has any interest in seeing or hearing any of the aforementioned things, just let me know and I will post links for you. On top of that, in the next few months I should be releasing two more albums, and I am just beginning a journey into what I believe will become my life, my signature: the cinematic motion comic. If time is kind to me, I may begin to develop video games, but it is hard to know if that is what I want or merely what I dream. We'll see.
The good thing is that I believe the depression is behind me, the suicidical feelings, the anger, the hatred, the addiction, the deceit, the schizophrenia. All in the past... okay, perhaps not the schizophrenia, which as a term I use more referentially than genuinely diagnostically. I believe that such a condition as it presents itself in myself is more tied to an essence of magic than anything else, a potent force that I believe is as real as spiritualism, but highly misunderstood and never taking the characteristics that one might presume. To those ends, identifying myself as a mage is not the same as considering myself a practitioner in any way other than creating art that may have the potential to touch people's lives; but that IS magic, is it not? Isn't swimming through the vast beauty that life presents us the profoundest of magicks there is? How can we live in magic and not consider it so, unless we were bending our psyche to fit into the narrow spectrums that a cynical and self-destructive world forces upon us day in and day out. I have no interest in pandering to those sensibilities any more than they present themselves in my friends whom I wish not to disturb in their sacred right to form their own perspective, but even then. Even then I am not going to contort myself to be what they wish to see. If they are going to live a lie, I am going to stick out like a sore thumb in their sights and give them troubles of contemplation, and not intentionally, not aiming to upset them. It is not for me to decide what being true to oneself can cause in the minds and hearts of others, it is only up to me to do so because of how strongly I believe it is right.
In the end, this journal is a healthy enterprise, to exorcise the experiences and events and perspectives that I am given and wade through... it is ironic that I was set to give up the pains of life by the death of my closest friend, but that is life. I always say that if you sense a paradox, then truth is near, and I will stick to that as time goes by. I look forward to sharing with you all the developments that happen as I create my work in the time to come, OUR work, for my friend and I have been working on it for over a decade, and just as the time came that we were to start off on our path, he was taken. I am comforted in knowing it was meant to happen... there were signs and indications, and one or two miracles that communicated as such that I feel comfortable believing in without explaining to anyone about. I feel confident that we are souls that have bodies, though I can't prove it. I have no need to. And I feel confident in spiritualism by my own reckoning and definition... I've always said it was my own intent to carve out my own religion, one that doesn't go by the moniker of religion but serves to fuel my own entry to existence without the need of such labels, and it will be so...
In any case, the next few months will determine what this span of time will be. I am a writer. My reviewing of the journal has verified that in me, that beneath all things writing was my way of life, and as I type now, and as it comes to me as a flow that feels inherent to my very way of thinking, I know that being here and saying these things will help me down that path greatly. I can't wait for you all to hear the things I have written for this project... I believe I have realized my potential, or at least, the starting gate of my potential. I am going to be drawing and coloring again, far more often than I have in the past decade, and my work is better than ever, though it is going to lean towards the surreal more than the strictly fantasy (other than in the motion comic). I am sure it won't be appreciated any less for being so, and frankly, dragons will always have a place in there somewhere...
So that's it. For now. I will be writing again. And again. And again.
Life is a beautiful thing, amidst the horror. And the horror, after all this time, has become my friend, something I am no longer blind to, something I can put my finger on when I make my grand estimations. I believe this was always my intention, though I was not aware of it. I entered the world to learn the resources I would require to realize my visions in as realistic a way as possible, in order to be as successfully unrealistic as I would require. And I have succeeded. I have taken my name back, I have my soul, and the magic of imagination is mine to command. If it can be used to help those in need, it will. Time will tell... for now, it is time to end my 20s appropriately and start a new era as brightly as I can muster. I will wade through the grieving, never shirking it, for to do so would be disrespectful. I will live up to it.
Good morning.